Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Rosalita"A sci-fi thriller!
2 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
A very well made chapter. I don't remember any of my high school Spanish either.
notes:
"Yes. For {now," he smiled} at her and ran his hand through her curly black hair,
- now." He smiled
If they notice you, the spacemen {come." She verified} what he
- come," she verified
"No, I'll stay close," she yawned.
"No, I'll stay close." She yawned.
{"Wait.", he} took Carmen by the shoulders.
-"Wait." He took Carmen by the shoulders.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2022
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A very well made chapter. I don't remember any of my high school Spanish either.
notes:
"Yes. For {now," he smiled} at her and ran his hand through her curly black hair,
- now." He smiled
If they notice you, the spacemen {come." She verified} what he
- come," she verified
"No, I'll stay close," she yawned.
"No, I'll stay close." She yawned.
{"Wait.", he} took Carmen by the shoulders.
-"Wait." He took Carmen by the shoulders.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2022
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Thank you so much. You are a great help to new writers! I appreciate it.
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
I continue to be fully engaged with your story and the building relationship between Carmen and Daniel. So she thinks he's quite the looker . . . We shall see what happens. You are doing much better with punctuation. This time I placed more emphasis on spelling and pronouns. When you refer to he, she, it, or they, there should be what's called a "clear antecedent." That means there should be a clearly identified individual or group to which the pronoun refers. And even if there is only one "he," it's a good idea to slip the name in at the beginning of a paragraph or sometimes elsewhere. Keep the chapters coming!
Sue
He had woke several times, -- when starting a new chapter, use the character's name so we know who "He" is. Also ==> had woken.
He screamed in agony and then again when the dark figure shoved it into his second hole. -- I would just say the second hole. Does he really want to own it? :-)
the next time he came to. -- for continuity, I'd place this at the beginning of the sentence.
that meant that his captures couldn't be all bad. ==> captors
While he was studying his room, he heard someone unlock the door behind him come in. ==> and come in.
A women came around to the front of his chair holding a bowl and spoon in her hand. ==> woman
somewhat attractive and had a medium built. ==> build
until she had feed him the entire bowl. ==> fed
in the ninth and tenth grade, ==> grades
she applied a suave to his burnt and closed wounds. ==> salve
Once the bandage was off, she applied a suave to his burnt and closed wounds. -- better as cauterized wounds
The first thing he saw was the nickel plater Taurus 357 glinting ==> plated; ==> .357
He spung forward like a cat, ==> sprang
He spung forward like a cat, grabbing it with his left hand wrapped around the cylinder, so that it could not fire. -- good example of showing
The movement ripped the weapon from the woman's grasped. ==> grasp
"She isn't may mom. She is mi tia...my aunt," the ==> my mom
Still, resistance units rose and put up some resistance. -- It would be nice to find another word to replace the second resistance.
When the overseers came, most of them stayed together and -- replace "them" with "migrant workers." Them seems to refer to overseers.
The rest of their companions had went out to collect food one day, ==> had gone
Its important to see them first and avoid ==> it's
She took another six or eight of them, leaving new seeds in the ground, about six inches apart. ==> "She" has no clear antecedent. Better to use the name. Carmen?
'Smart', he thought, 'Very smart'. -- thoughts are often presented in italics, without quotes and without "he thought"
Once they were sure that it was unoccupied, they made their way to it once the sun fell from the sky. -- better to avoid using "once" twice in the same sentence.
bottles of Frosty Dog beer that was scattered around an old ==> bottles . . . that were
He smiled at he, and they pulled one of the cots over to the fire and sat on it, == He smiled at her
"Mi Tia says that there is a small town very near here, -- no need to cap tia
"Wait.", he took Carmen by the shoulders. ==> "Wait." He took
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2022
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Douglas,
I continue to be fully engaged with your story and the building relationship between Carmen and Daniel. So she thinks he's quite the looker . . . We shall see what happens. You are doing much better with punctuation. This time I placed more emphasis on spelling and pronouns. When you refer to he, she, it, or they, there should be what's called a "clear antecedent." That means there should be a clearly identified individual or group to which the pronoun refers. And even if there is only one "he," it's a good idea to slip the name in at the beginning of a paragraph or sometimes elsewhere. Keep the chapters coming!
Sue
He had woke several times, -- when starting a new chapter, use the character's name so we know who "He" is. Also ==> had woken.
He screamed in agony and then again when the dark figure shoved it into his second hole. -- I would just say the second hole. Does he really want to own it? :-)
the next time he came to. -- for continuity, I'd place this at the beginning of the sentence.
that meant that his captures couldn't be all bad. ==> captors
While he was studying his room, he heard someone unlock the door behind him come in. ==> and come in.
A women came around to the front of his chair holding a bowl and spoon in her hand. ==> woman
somewhat attractive and had a medium built. ==> build
until she had feed him the entire bowl. ==> fed
in the ninth and tenth grade, ==> grades
she applied a suave to his burnt and closed wounds. ==> salve
Once the bandage was off, she applied a suave to his burnt and closed wounds. -- better as cauterized wounds
The first thing he saw was the nickel plater Taurus 357 glinting ==> plated; ==> .357
He spung forward like a cat, ==> sprang
He spung forward like a cat, grabbing it with his left hand wrapped around the cylinder, so that it could not fire. -- good example of showing
The movement ripped the weapon from the woman's grasped. ==> grasp
"She isn't may mom. She is mi tia...my aunt," the ==> my mom
Still, resistance units rose and put up some resistance. -- It would be nice to find another word to replace the second resistance.
When the overseers came, most of them stayed together and -- replace "them" with "migrant workers." Them seems to refer to overseers.
The rest of their companions had went out to collect food one day, ==> had gone
Its important to see them first and avoid ==> it's
She took another six or eight of them, leaving new seeds in the ground, about six inches apart. ==> "She" has no clear antecedent. Better to use the name. Carmen?
'Smart', he thought, 'Very smart'. -- thoughts are often presented in italics, without quotes and without "he thought"
Once they were sure that it was unoccupied, they made their way to it once the sun fell from the sky. -- better to avoid using "once" twice in the same sentence.
bottles of Frosty Dog beer that was scattered around an old ==> bottles . . . that were
He smiled at he, and they pulled one of the cots over to the fire and sat on it, == He smiled at her
"Mi Tia says that there is a small town very near here, -- no need to cap tia
"Wait.", he took Carmen by the shoulders. ==> "Wait." He took
Comment Written 22-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2022
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I'm glad you are interested. Just sorry about all of the mistakes. I think I need a class :(
Thank yu so very much!
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I'll be giving you the lessons, and the raps on the knuckles. :-)
