Toad and the Winter Witch
An evil witch seeks to kill a hibernating toad8 total reviews
Comment from paige_a
Hello Frank! I absolutely love this poem. The rhymes are well chosen and incredibly clever, and you managed to tell an entire story while maintaining rhyming form, which is no small feat. You are talented indeed, and this was a pleasure to read!
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2022
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Hello Frank! I absolutely love this poem. The rhymes are well chosen and incredibly clever, and you managed to tell an entire story while maintaining rhyming form, which is no small feat. You are talented indeed, and this was a pleasure to read!
Comment Written 01-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2022
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Thank you so much. I'm hoping to get it published as a children's book; I need to find illustrators.
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I Hope you do! It would make a lovely story for a child to read
Comment from lancellot
This is a very detailed and well told story in poetic form. I would suggest not beginning each line in caps, and adding more punctuations. This will make it easier to tell where one sentence ends and a new one begins.
notes:
The sunset came sooner, the {nights} chilly grew.
-The sunset came sooner, the nights' chilly grew. - seems possessive.
Good work.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2022
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This is a very detailed and well told story in poetic form. I would suggest not beginning each line in caps, and adding more punctuations. This will make it easier to tell where one sentence ends and a new one begins.
notes:
The sunset came sooner, the {nights} chilly grew.
-The sunset came sooner, the nights' chilly grew. - seems possessive.
Good work.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2022
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I would have preferred to not have the verb-adjective inverted, but I was lazy and accepted it since the rhyme worked. I might look again. The caps in each line seems overdone; I haven't quite come to a decision about that. Or punctuation, another area where conventions aren't as conventional as once they were. Thanks, Frank
Comment from robyn corum
Frank,
What a fun little story in a poem! It certainly qualifies for the contest and woe any writers who may try to come up against it! hahaha
I have a great feeling I may have just read the winner! (OR very close to the top, anyway!)
Only one note:
The witch had grown mighty, miles in from the coast -
Where warm currents idled and brought gentler climes
To fishes who swam and ignored winter times -
(Toad never thought of the witch's sly scheming.
Toads can't imagine the plans of a demon!)
She'd make this winter bitter, even colder than most.
--> move last line to second place to keep the rhyme scheme intact?
So many of your unique turns-of-phrase were original and creative to the extreme - I think this will bge enjoyed by every reader - and especially the wee ones! Thanks for sharing! Good luck!
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2022
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Frank,
What a fun little story in a poem! It certainly qualifies for the contest and woe any writers who may try to come up against it! hahaha
I have a great feeling I may have just read the winner! (OR very close to the top, anyway!)
Only one note:
The witch had grown mighty, miles in from the coast -
Where warm currents idled and brought gentler climes
To fishes who swam and ignored winter times -
(Toad never thought of the witch's sly scheming.
Toads can't imagine the plans of a demon!)
She'd make this winter bitter, even colder than most.
--> move last line to second place to keep the rhyme scheme intact?
So many of your unique turns-of-phrase were original and creative to the extreme - I think this will bge enjoyed by every reader - and especially the wee ones! Thanks for sharing! Good luck!
Comment Written 29-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2022
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Your suggestion is good, but the connected sense of the warm coast would be broken. I probably should have worked on this stanza little more - maybe I will. And thanks for the thorough review! Frank
Comment from prettybluebirds
You need a space between the kingdom and this (fourth stanza) Otherwise, it is perfect, and I loved it. It well deserves the six stars I gave it. This is good enough for any children's book. I wish you luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2022
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You need a space between the kingdom and this (fourth stanza) Otherwise, it is perfect, and I loved it. It well deserves the six stars I gave it. This is good enough for any children's book. I wish you luck in the contest.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2022
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Sometimes it seems as though a previous response doesn't get sent. But anyway, thank you - or thanks again, whichever is applicable.
Comment from Dr. Von
The poem tells a good children's story. Good job flowing the poem to keep the story connected. It is entertaining and a good piece to engage active minds. I imagine this piece is interrupted by many questions from inquiring young minds. Good work. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2022
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The poem tells a good children's story. Good job flowing the poem to keep the story connected. It is entertaining and a good piece to engage active minds. I imagine this piece is interrupted by many questions from inquiring young minds. Good work. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Dr. Von.
Comment from tempeste
Ciao !
Your story was very entertaining, at one stage I feared you were going to let the Winter Witch triumph.
A toad is not a creature that we cherish much but you described him so well that I didn't want him to perish in the clutches of the winter witch s blue fingers.
These are some of the favourite lines:
The witch's blue fingers searched deep in the dirt:
To her, stifling life was a joy, not just work.
But Toad laughed real hard - so robust his chuckles,
That the belt he was wearin' - Toad busted its buckles!
The witch groped yet deeper, and searched for his heart!
The part where he starts laughing causing him to let off sinkers that warm him up was funny.
PS: I was glad the lonely toad found a friend even if a friendship between a ground dog and a toad, is unlikely. The prior feeds on toads.
You touch some important topics
Life, in winter, is tough for fauna. One must be resourceful..... of course a pinch of good luck is helpful too. ( wink)
The food chain: A part the apex animals , all the others are part of the food chain where lesser predators became prey to larger predators.
Imagination is a great storyteller and you have a very vivid one!
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2022
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Ciao !
Your story was very entertaining, at one stage I feared you were going to let the Winter Witch triumph.
A toad is not a creature that we cherish much but you described him so well that I didn't want him to perish in the clutches of the winter witch s blue fingers.
These are some of the favourite lines:
The witch's blue fingers searched deep in the dirt:
To her, stifling life was a joy, not just work.
But Toad laughed real hard - so robust his chuckles,
That the belt he was wearin' - Toad busted its buckles!
The witch groped yet deeper, and searched for his heart!
The part where he starts laughing causing him to let off sinkers that warm him up was funny.
PS: I was glad the lonely toad found a friend even if a friendship between a ground dog and a toad, is unlikely. The prior feeds on toads.
You touch some important topics
Life, in winter, is tough for fauna. One must be resourceful..... of course a pinch of good luck is helpful too. ( wink)
The food chain: A part the apex animals , all the others are part of the food chain where lesser predators became prey to larger predators.
Imagination is a great storyteller and you have a very vivid one!
Comment Written 24-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2022
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Thanks! I know this poem has loads of improbabilities, but since it's a naturalist's fairy tale, sort of, I went with it. Since toads are coldblooded, their farts probably aren't warm, but - well, honestly - they're very funny human realities, and maybe valuably humbling. Yeah, toad and woodchuck friends are very unlikely. In nature, most relationships are fiercely competitive, or oblivious.
I'm sending this poem, with illustration suggestions, one picture per stanza per page, plus cover, to a publisher. Maybe several, to see who give the best deals. If that's too expensive, I'm gonna put up a notice at the college where I graduated to see if any art students wanted to go in 50/50 on speculation that we could find a publisher. Of course, I'm always better at planning than at execution, and I'm pretty poor at planning, hence....
I've already voted for you as a reviewer. I'll see if I can again.
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Ciao!
I hope you follow up on your plan and get your fable published.
You already have a great story .. the colourful illustrations would be the cherry on the cake.
I wish you all the best in your endeavour, I imagine the competition is ruthless.
My mamma was a painter and a sculpture in her latter years , good thing she didnt have to live off her art. ( sigh)
PS: Thanks for the kind thought in regards to the reviewer s vote!
Hope you have a nice autumn Sunday.
Keep safe!
Ciao !
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Well, I submitted the poem per their instructions. I'm always on tenterhooks (phrase which I've always known meant anxious) but this time I've actually looked it up: tenter hooks are used in hanging cloth up to dry, etc.). Anyway, Dorrance Publishing will get my poem and an inquiry letter on Monday; I've usually found that when a company is selling something, they respond quickly, whereas if you're selling them something, they take their time. I gave the publisher sort of two alternatives: preferably, they'd publish my work at their expense as an investment; less desirable, they'd tell me how much it will cost to get the illustrations done and publish the book. Hmm. Fortunately, I'm not buttering my English muffin with poem money; I discovered a long time ago that poetry is as hard to sell as vacuum-packed dead rodents. The day has opened up gray so far but at 8:30 a.m. it's impossible to be sure. I hope your day is beautiful and encourages both deep, easy breathing and whimsical thoughts. Frank
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello Frank a terrific day to you. I enjoyed your poem, it had a nice flow to it and the rhymes were good. I think you did a great job on the writing prompt.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
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Hello Frank a terrific day to you. I enjoyed your poem, it had a nice flow to it and the rhymes were good. I think you did a great job on the writing prompt.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
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Thank you, 13th! P.S. - have you seen that weird word for fear of thirteen? Triskadecaphobia, or some spelling like that. Fear of heights I understand, but......
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You did an excellent job of rewriting this. The words are much easier and easily within fifth grade level. I found this story as good as anything Seuss did, and it has a bit of the cadence he used. (That is good to editors.) Just a few proof-reader notes: kingdom and this are run together, Do toads have teeth? Toad's ass should be toad's bum if published in the US. ...bloomed all arou(n)d. You are a good proof reader.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
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You did an excellent job of rewriting this. The words are much easier and easily within fifth grade level. I found this story as good as anything Seuss did, and it has a bit of the cadence he used. (That is good to editors.) Just a few proof-reader notes: kingdom and this are run together, Do toads have teeth? Toad's ass should be toad's bum if published in the US. ...bloomed all arou(n)d. You are a good proof reader.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Carol. I already changed some of the snootier diction but I'll look again. I'll check line 16. I may ask you to read a reworked version. You're very generous. Thanks, Frank
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I'll be happy to read it again.
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Thank you - as graciously as I can. I considered removing some of the verses, and I would need perhaps to rework the transitions and connections for that to work. As it is, it's 29 verses and about 1600 words. I am thinking of pairing each verse of six lines with an artist's image, and I am considering finding an artist who would to this on spec. I know it's a lot of work, but I think good illustration would help to move along a lengthy story. I sensed that you have worked with children's publishing, but whether you have or not I truly appreciate your insights. It would be a surprise for me to have an entry into the children's book market, but a nice surprise.
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Well, it would be a book and strangely, the publishers always want to choose their own artist. Or at least they did twenty years ago. I would not go to the effort of commissioning an artist when they expect your words to stand on their own. Look and see what Cricket Books is looking for at their web site. They buy all rights for their magazine stories which didn't seem to fair to me, but then they split what they resold it for with me and the four hundred dollar story earned me another $1200. Your title is going to catch their attention. I will reread it if you wish.
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Again, thanks. I will check the Cricket Books site. Be well. Frank
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You may have already read the revised version of my post. I am of course curious to know what you thought of the changes I made. Line 16 remains unchanged; I think it's possible that the dash followed by parentheses, all intended create an afterthought addition to the narrative, may not work as I had expected. Frank
