Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Soft Tail Hard Punch"A sci-fi thriller!
3 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
You have really come a long way, in both your writing skills and story movement, since Chapter 1. I really can't wait for the next chapter. (My money is on Daniel and the "old coot.") Now Dan is the man with a plan! Nice turnabout. Proofreading notes and writing tutorials follow. Keep up the good work!
Sue
a door slide open, then closed. ==> close
They took our entire country, no the entire planet in less than two days. -- need comma (pause) after planet.
Time to pull up your big boy pants and make some man-sized decisions here. -- I'd hyphenate big-boy
The stock man balled up his right hand and lowered it down to his side. -- stocky?
The intense pain was immediately, knocking the marine to his knees in front of the laughing man. ==> immediate
and the with a sickening crack, popped his broken nose back into place. ==> and then
recovered from their 'low blows', -- a little trite; suggest an alternate term, even if it means a sentence rewrite
There was a blue light coming from the box, that somehow kept the beer cold.-- Better as: The blue light emitted by the box seemed to keep the beer cold. (Try to avoid phrases like "there was" and keep things more active)
"I miss her and I never even saw her." Tiny chuckled. -- I chuckled, too! Great line.
Whenever Daniel asked when they were going to head out, the bikers simply replied that Stan was the man with the plan. He did learn a few new things from his new companions. -- Last sentence should start with Daniel, not he. Antecedent for he is Stan.
According to Tiny, that is what the overseers were here for. Our resources. -- this is a good disclosure
They would send them through different colored power circles for the overlords. -- don't like "them"; be specific; also "for the overlords" is vague -- as directed by, or to?
Then they would attack with a ferociousness. -- "with ferocity" is more active
Mossberg 12-gauge over-under Maverick HS-12 Thunder Ranch edition. -- we know all this. I'd end with Mossberg.
They probably set several traps, and then had waited at the health center to see who would show up. -- At first I wondered why not just grab them once trapped. Then I thought, Oh. They placed lots of traps and didn't monitor them. Perhaps you could add something that doesn't require that kind of mental gymnastics and doesn't slow the pace.
They spent the night in one of the houses, -- bland; can you tell how they picked a house and what it was like?
They rode through several outbuildings, -- Through them?! -- between? past? -- outbuildings to what? Were they buildings on the outskirts? I'm confused.
They informed Dat that this was always the first thing that they did when they arrived at a new camp just in case they had to ride out in a hurry. -- this would be an opportune time to use dialogue, rather than falling back to "telling"
Curiosity killed the Dat. -- Great!
then pointing at a two story house down the road and atop a hill, added, -- need a comma after then to indicate that "pointing . . . hill" is a clause. Test by seeing what can be removed and still leave a complete sentence. (" . . . ," Stan said, then added, " . . .")
He killed one of my bikers named Roadkill with his sniper rifle the first time we tried. -- killed Roadkill? I don't think you need "one of my bikers" (obvious by what follows, and the nickname) and should choose another verb to replace killed. "He xxxed Roadkill . . . "
"Once I have done a good reconnaissance, I'll have a better idea of what I'm up against." -- sounds a little formal. Is that how you talked as a marine?
The crew spent the next three says eating and drinking, -- typo ==> days
And, finally, and most importantly, a pair of bolt cutters.==> important (probably the most frequently made grammatical error; adjective modifying bolt cutters, not an adverb)
Tomorrow we will go out and find your items while you sleep. -- Would Stan be so formal? "tomorrow we'll scrounge up your toys" or something similar. I don't want to stomp on your writing, just show you how word choice and sentence structure convey things differently.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2022
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Douglas,
You have really come a long way, in both your writing skills and story movement, since Chapter 1. I really can't wait for the next chapter. (My money is on Daniel and the "old coot.") Now Dan is the man with a plan! Nice turnabout. Proofreading notes and writing tutorials follow. Keep up the good work!
Sue
a door slide open, then closed. ==> close
They took our entire country, no the entire planet in less than two days. -- need comma (pause) after planet.
Time to pull up your big boy pants and make some man-sized decisions here. -- I'd hyphenate big-boy
The stock man balled up his right hand and lowered it down to his side. -- stocky?
The intense pain was immediately, knocking the marine to his knees in front of the laughing man. ==> immediate
and the with a sickening crack, popped his broken nose back into place. ==> and then
recovered from their 'low blows', -- a little trite; suggest an alternate term, even if it means a sentence rewrite
There was a blue light coming from the box, that somehow kept the beer cold.-- Better as: The blue light emitted by the box seemed to keep the beer cold. (Try to avoid phrases like "there was" and keep things more active)
"I miss her and I never even saw her." Tiny chuckled. -- I chuckled, too! Great line.
Whenever Daniel asked when they were going to head out, the bikers simply replied that Stan was the man with the plan. He did learn a few new things from his new companions. -- Last sentence should start with Daniel, not he. Antecedent for he is Stan.
According to Tiny, that is what the overseers were here for. Our resources. -- this is a good disclosure
They would send them through different colored power circles for the overlords. -- don't like "them"; be specific; also "for the overlords" is vague -- as directed by, or to?
Then they would attack with a ferociousness. -- "with ferocity" is more active
Mossberg 12-gauge over-under Maverick HS-12 Thunder Ranch edition. -- we know all this. I'd end with Mossberg.
They probably set several traps, and then had waited at the health center to see who would show up. -- At first I wondered why not just grab them once trapped. Then I thought, Oh. They placed lots of traps and didn't monitor them. Perhaps you could add something that doesn't require that kind of mental gymnastics and doesn't slow the pace.
They spent the night in one of the houses, -- bland; can you tell how they picked a house and what it was like?
They rode through several outbuildings, -- Through them?! -- between? past? -- outbuildings to what? Were they buildings on the outskirts? I'm confused.
They informed Dat that this was always the first thing that they did when they arrived at a new camp just in case they had to ride out in a hurry. -- this would be an opportune time to use dialogue, rather than falling back to "telling"
Curiosity killed the Dat. -- Great!
then pointing at a two story house down the road and atop a hill, added, -- need a comma after then to indicate that "pointing . . . hill" is a clause. Test by seeing what can be removed and still leave a complete sentence. (" . . . ," Stan said, then added, " . . .")
He killed one of my bikers named Roadkill with his sniper rifle the first time we tried. -- killed Roadkill? I don't think you need "one of my bikers" (obvious by what follows, and the nickname) and should choose another verb to replace killed. "He xxxed Roadkill . . . "
"Once I have done a good reconnaissance, I'll have a better idea of what I'm up against." -- sounds a little formal. Is that how you talked as a marine?
The crew spent the next three says eating and drinking, -- typo ==> days
And, finally, and most importantly, a pair of bolt cutters.==> important (probably the most frequently made grammatical error; adjective modifying bolt cutters, not an adverb)
Tomorrow we will go out and find your items while you sleep. -- Would Stan be so formal? "tomorrow we'll scrounge up your toys" or something similar. I don't want to stomp on your writing, just show you how word choice and sentence structure convey things differently.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2022
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Thanks! Still a lot of mistakes ;( Getting several comments that oversees and seekers should be capitalized throughout the book. They are groups of people so I was looking at them like the word pirates or rebels would be spelled, which would be without caps. What do you think? Also, I really liked the title for this chapter!
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The capitalization would be a matter of style, rather than correctness, I think. I wrote a post-apocalyptic novel in the nineties and used small caps for mine. My writers' group didn't like that. I ended up using some all capped acronyms for some (WORMS = World Order Masters) and capped the others. So, I guess maybe Overseers or Seekers might be better, even though I didn't find it objectionable the way you have it.
Comment from Frank Malley
I read this chapter once, and it read pretty well. I finished it pretty much knowing who's who, the basic focuses of the group both personal and ideological goals, and I understood the basic planetary scenario. I think that the titles of groups, like Overlords and Seekers, should be capitalzed. There's typo early on: 'your' instead of the correct 'you're.'
The alien motivation of searching for resources seems a bit tired out, and improbable for a civilization capable of interstellar travel. Seeking a new, inhabitable planet is also pretty often used, but it remains more plausible.
The story's pace is good. I don't know why there are no women in this chapter; bikers always have tough sluts as part of their crew.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2022
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I read this chapter once, and it read pretty well. I finished it pretty much knowing who's who, the basic focuses of the group both personal and ideological goals, and I understood the basic planetary scenario. I think that the titles of groups, like Overlords and Seekers, should be capitalzed. There's typo early on: 'your' instead of the correct 'you're.'
The alien motivation of searching for resources seems a bit tired out, and improbable for a civilization capable of interstellar travel. Seeking a new, inhabitable planet is also pretty often used, but it remains more plausible.
The story's pace is good. I don't know why there are no women in this chapter; bikers always have tough sluts as part of their crew.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2022
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Chapter Two, the last sentence, explains why they are really here. Aliens.....are we sure about that? Check out next chapter 'Deacon' for a tough biker chick. I'm not sure about overlords and seekers being capitalized. Had it that way the first three chapters and people kept telling me it was incorrect. Confused on that one?
Thanks for the review and good morning!
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Well, I think I'm right about the capitalization. You're creating a social structure within this fictional world, and within social structures the powerful like to be featured more boldly than the ordinary; hence, capital first letters. Maybe not important, but it structures the fictional sociology more.
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Okay, I will research it. Thanks for your input. I really appreciate the help. Read more chapters as they come up. Things are not going to turn out as you expect. Appreciate you!
Comment from Tara Maxfield
Overall, an easy read. I'm left thinking about the parts that referenced things not fully explained, which would be expected after a first chapter. I do think more of an explanation of the command modules and other scenery would be beneficial and help set the stage. And, I don't understand what was the trigger for bounties. Overall, would like to see more. A bit more revising is needed.
Preferable needs to be preferably.
Dialogue errors in punctuation (this is incredibly difficult for me)
And maybe just some more descriptive references and you've got a good thing going.
Good luck
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2022
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Overall, an easy read. I'm left thinking about the parts that referenced things not fully explained, which would be expected after a first chapter. I do think more of an explanation of the command modules and other scenery would be beneficial and help set the stage. And, I don't understand what was the trigger for bounties. Overall, would like to see more. A bit more revising is needed.
Preferable needs to be preferably.
Dialogue errors in punctuation (this is incredibly difficult for me)
And maybe just some more descriptive references and you've got a good thing going.
Good luck
Comment Written 24-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2022
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Thank you for the helpful review! Good catches. I appreciate you!
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No problem at all. Maybe someday you can have a look at my work and tell me that I'm the last that should comment on another's grammar. Ha ha Keep writing!
