Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Hank"A sci-fi thriller!
2 total reviews
Comment from Alexander Pearce
Thank you for sharing this chapter! Though I'm only reading one chapter, it sounds like something right up my alley.
The theme is certainly interesting and engaging, but there are some words / phrases that could be cut to make the text leaner.
Perhaps look at each sentence and cut any word that doesn't need to be there? Some examples below:
Current phrase:
They all cheered below.
New phrase:
They cheered below
In a previous sentence you had already stated that all the bikers had gathered below so there is no need to say it again.
Also, potentially think about removing the word 'about' in some sentences.
Publishers tend to think that these words add nothing to the text, so can be removed.
I hope the above helps! But let me know if it doesn't make sense and i can try explain it a little better.
Once again, thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2022
   |
Thank you for sharing this chapter! Though I'm only reading one chapter, it sounds like something right up my alley.
The theme is certainly interesting and engaging, but there are some words / phrases that could be cut to make the text leaner.
Perhaps look at each sentence and cut any word that doesn't need to be there? Some examples below:
Current phrase:
They all cheered below.
New phrase:
They cheered below
In a previous sentence you had already stated that all the bikers had gathered below so there is no need to say it again.
Also, potentially think about removing the word 'about' in some sentences.
Publishers tend to think that these words add nothing to the text, so can be removed.
I hope the above helps! But let me know if it doesn't make sense and i can try explain it a little better.
Once again, thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 25-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2022
-
Thank you very much. Very helpful!
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
You have improved so much that I am giving you a six, despite a few very minor imperfections. I am enthralled with this story and you surprised me with the dying Vietnam vet. I had imagined The Alamo, but with the good guys winning. I'm intrigued by Hambone's confession and wonder if he can be trusted. I loved all the detail of the break-in. The pace was excellent, and dialogue very good. I'm falling in love with Daniel. Can't wait for more!
Sue
Once they threw in some old wooden chairs, the flames were licking the sky. -- Very nice.
smart old veteran may have mounted his sniper rifle ==> might have
He then followed the fishing line the other direction ==> line in the
It was one the dead seeker further to his ==> of the seekers (or just "a dead seeker"); always use farther for distance
The door was locked, but with the help of the bobby in, -- typo ==> bobby pin
He felt around it, feeling no wires of obstructions, -- last comma should be a period. Could be improved by replacing "feeling" with another word.
There was a half drank glass of water => half drunk, but still "clunky" -- better way to say the same thing?
"My friends call me 'Hank', but I guess you can to," == you can too,
the navy use to transport marines ==> used to
I just couldn't quit smoking em. ==> 'em (use apostrophe for missing letters)
"I can't do that chief. I don't want that mark on my soul---", Daniel started, -- better punctuation is: soul . . . ," Daniel started
who gave his arm a little pat. and with a flash, -- typo ==> pat, and
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
 |
Douglas,
You have improved so much that I am giving you a six, despite a few very minor imperfections. I am enthralled with this story and you surprised me with the dying Vietnam vet. I had imagined The Alamo, but with the good guys winning. I'm intrigued by Hambone's confession and wonder if he can be trusted. I loved all the detail of the break-in. The pace was excellent, and dialogue very good. I'm falling in love with Daniel. Can't wait for more!
Sue
Once they threw in some old wooden chairs, the flames were licking the sky. -- Very nice.
smart old veteran may have mounted his sniper rifle ==> might have
He then followed the fishing line the other direction ==> line in the
It was one the dead seeker further to his ==> of the seekers (or just "a dead seeker"); always use farther for distance
The door was locked, but with the help of the bobby in, -- typo ==> bobby pin
He felt around it, feeling no wires of obstructions, -- last comma should be a period. Could be improved by replacing "feeling" with another word.
There was a half drank glass of water => half drunk, but still "clunky" -- better way to say the same thing?
"My friends call me 'Hank', but I guess you can to," == you can too,
the navy use to transport marines ==> used to
I just couldn't quit smoking em. ==> 'em (use apostrophe for missing letters)
"I can't do that chief. I don't want that mark on my soul---", Daniel started, -- better punctuation is: soul . . . ," Daniel started
who gave his arm a little pat. and with a flash, -- typo ==> pat, and
Comment Written 25-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
-
Eleven mistakes. I am improving! Thank you do much for the six. Definitely not expected, but as always, appreciated. All of the other times that I said thanks, it was more than the editing that I appreciated. Before I got on this site I had been pretty discouraged as I was running up against dead ends with my writing. Even contemplating just doing it for my family. I wrote a five book fantasy series called The Thirteen Kings, that my kids, as well as the neighborhood kids adore. In fact they were passing around copies and having discussions about it on the bus. But past that, I couldn't get anyone to read it, many times people not evening opening my Query emails. Now I know that grammatically I suck, but the story line is banging good. Then I got on here and it is so very encouraging. Especially you. I really appreciate you Sue. Douglas
-
Douglas,
You have been a very quick study and open to learning. When you look at how long that chapter was, eleven little flaws isn't much, particularly when some are just typos. Maybe we can get you into print. I'm so glad you provided entertainment for your kids and others.
Sue
