Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "You Killed Carl!"A sci-fi thriller!
2 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
I am really enjoying how Daniel is out-thinking the bikers, but Stan is no dummy. I'm sure that will express itself in more ways as we move along. His was a good chapter for exploring the interactions between the bikers, and Dat, and driving home Stan's absolute dominance. Can't wait for more. Writing notes follow. (Down to seven-eight!)
Sue
He wore his signature ear to ear ==> ear-to-ear (creates adjective)
It only took ten minutes to get to the larger city. -- finer point; better as: it took only ten minutes
It looked like someone had took off in a hurry. ==> had taken off
His old man chose some dead bitch over his own sons. -- Is "sons" a typo or do we have a brother entering the picture? -- this is an interesting revelation and explains why Hank allowed the camping.
Communications on the walkie talkies revealed that no one had seen a thing. ==> walkie-talkies (I mentally questioned it when used earlier, but this time I looked it up. So needs fixing in several places.)
The man looked to be in his mid-twenties, with foppish brown hair and stubble on his face. -- "foppish" implies overly concerned with fashion and style. I don't think that works here. Tousled?
"Oh baby, you don't need Carl, now that you got ol' Horny to take care of you.", he said -- oops ==> you," he said
It was now or never he thought, shouting, "Knife". ==> "Knife!"
The hit knocked Daniel back, but was surprising weak for such a big man. ==> surprisingly
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2022
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Douglas,
I am really enjoying how Daniel is out-thinking the bikers, but Stan is no dummy. I'm sure that will express itself in more ways as we move along. His was a good chapter for exploring the interactions between the bikers, and Dat, and driving home Stan's absolute dominance. Can't wait for more. Writing notes follow. (Down to seven-eight!)
Sue
He wore his signature ear to ear ==> ear-to-ear (creates adjective)
It only took ten minutes to get to the larger city. -- finer point; better as: it took only ten minutes
It looked like someone had took off in a hurry. ==> had taken off
His old man chose some dead bitch over his own sons. -- Is "sons" a typo or do we have a brother entering the picture? -- this is an interesting revelation and explains why Hank allowed the camping.
Communications on the walkie talkies revealed that no one had seen a thing. ==> walkie-talkies (I mentally questioned it when used earlier, but this time I looked it up. So needs fixing in several places.)
The man looked to be in his mid-twenties, with foppish brown hair and stubble on his face. -- "foppish" implies overly concerned with fashion and style. I don't think that works here. Tousled?
"Oh baby, you don't need Carl, now that you got ol' Horny to take care of you.", he said -- oops ==> you," he said
It was now or never he thought, shouting, "Knife". ==> "Knife!"
The hit knocked Daniel back, but was surprising weak for such a big man. ==> surprisingly
Comment Written 26-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2022
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Chief Hank had mentioned the younger brother Butchie and he was mentioned another time when Stan explained that they hadn't gotten a bounty one month and the overseers blasted Butch, his brother.
I added the names in that part to remind readers about Butchie.
Thanks! You rock!!!
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You are very welcome. Sometimes it's hard to know what will be relevant later on. Sorry about forgetting Butch. It's hard to follow several novels at the same time, and not to be able to thumb back through pages for reminders.
Comment from robyn corum
DG,
I think this is the first chapter of this story I have read but I enjoyed it a lot. The whole dystopian setting was interesting and unusual - new to me entirely. So kudos on the creativity. Of course, that meant I was a little slow to pick up on certain things but I think I finally got it. --wink--
Still have a few notes/spots for you to check out:
1.) "Now come on out her(e) honey. Your boyfriend
2.) "No! No ! No!!!" (Y)ou freaking idiot!" Horndog
--> remove the quote marks from the middle
3.) Need to add a flag for language
4.) or I swear that I am gonna blast both of you idiots(!)" Stan the Man yelled after
Nice job! Good luck on the rest! I look forward to reading more-
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2022
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DG,
I think this is the first chapter of this story I have read but I enjoyed it a lot. The whole dystopian setting was interesting and unusual - new to me entirely. So kudos on the creativity. Of course, that meant I was a little slow to pick up on certain things but I think I finally got it. --wink--
Still have a few notes/spots for you to check out:
1.) "Now come on out her(e) honey. Your boyfriend
2.) "No! No ! No!!!" (Y)ou freaking idiot!" Horndog
--> remove the quote marks from the middle
3.) Need to add a flag for language
4.) or I swear that I am gonna blast both of you idiots(!)" Stan the Man yelled after
Nice job! Good luck on the rest! I look forward to reading more-
Comment Written 26-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2022
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k you so much for the encouraging words. Also, nice catches. I am not great at grammar, especially in dialogue, but I am getting better.
