Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Deacon"A sci-fi thriller!
4 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
Great chapter. All the action kept moving. I liked the preppers/survivalists. The history between the gangs is great and the new characters (Jackals) are all believable. I can't wait to see what happens next. You always surprise me. All in all a great chapter. Notes follow.
Sue
Apparently, the overlords didn't need to keep a lane open on 66. --:Are overlords the same as overseers? If so, I like overlords better -- more powerful.
Daniel winked at him, before walked down the beach to the shoreline. ==> before he walked
Thirty minutes later, they passed a sign that read 'Welcome to California', -- tricky point; the British place " this way and it was how we were taught in school. However, the "rule" now is that punctuation always goes inside the " -- unless it's a colon or a dash. Damned if I know for sure what is "correct."
man on foot patrol with a German Sheppard attack dog. ==> German shepherd (dog breeds not capitalized except for already proper nouns)
reached a city called Hornbrook.
It had been a city of less than a thousand people, -- do a thousand people more appropriately constitute a town?
on a nearby dirt path that led into a large pear grove.
The gang hid their bikes inside a nearby gas station and -- really, really fine point about style -- try not to repeat words close together (nearby)
several fires had been made in one of the isles. -- oopsy -- typo ==> aisles
Was easy pikins for them," Scooter added.==> pickin's
held a shotgun with one hand, casually resting against the back of his shoulder. -- sounds like a difficult maneuver ==> resting it; on top rather than against the back?
Stan ordered, then turned his attention to the Jackals and said, "I heard that you all bought the farm up in Seattle." -- are they still on the roof? Would he have to shout down and announce their presence?
I don't think Paco would go willingly.", ==> ,"
the last man standing.", he answered with a smirk. ==> ,"
set barrels fires throughout the parking lots. ==> barrel fires
The he does it. == Then
Need to remove all the paragraph indents.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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Douglas,
Great chapter. All the action kept moving. I liked the preppers/survivalists. The history between the gangs is great and the new characters (Jackals) are all believable. I can't wait to see what happens next. You always surprise me. All in all a great chapter. Notes follow.
Sue
Apparently, the overlords didn't need to keep a lane open on 66. --:Are overlords the same as overseers? If so, I like overlords better -- more powerful.
Daniel winked at him, before walked down the beach to the shoreline. ==> before he walked
Thirty minutes later, they passed a sign that read 'Welcome to California', -- tricky point; the British place " this way and it was how we were taught in school. However, the "rule" now is that punctuation always goes inside the " -- unless it's a colon or a dash. Damned if I know for sure what is "correct."
man on foot patrol with a German Sheppard attack dog. ==> German shepherd (dog breeds not capitalized except for already proper nouns)
reached a city called Hornbrook.
It had been a city of less than a thousand people, -- do a thousand people more appropriately constitute a town?
on a nearby dirt path that led into a large pear grove.
The gang hid their bikes inside a nearby gas station and -- really, really fine point about style -- try not to repeat words close together (nearby)
several fires had been made in one of the isles. -- oopsy -- typo ==> aisles
Was easy pikins for them," Scooter added.==> pickin's
held a shotgun with one hand, casually resting against the back of his shoulder. -- sounds like a difficult maneuver ==> resting it; on top rather than against the back?
Stan ordered, then turned his attention to the Jackals and said, "I heard that you all bought the farm up in Seattle." -- are they still on the roof? Would he have to shout down and announce their presence?
I don't think Paco would go willingly.", ==> ,"
the last man standing.", he answered with a smirk. ==> ,"
set barrels fires throughout the parking lots. ==> barrel fires
The he does it. == Then
Need to remove all the paragraph indents.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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Seems like I reverted a bit on the mistakes. So, overlord was a mistake. He shows up later :)
The next next Chapter is going to be intense! It is in my top three favorite chapters.
Thank you, Susan!
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Welcome. I can't wait!
Comment from lancellot
That's was quite a hearty chapter. There are some things I think you should look over for editing. I would go over it slowly. I picked out a few that stood out immediately.
notes:
"Not at first. I guess they took him to this {vey} beach where he spent the night in agony. He was dead by morning," the obese black man said.
-very
"Oh man. What happened {next,"} Daniel asked.
-next?"
Used that Baretta 9mm that he always {carries." Tiny} revealed, standing up.
-carries," Tiny revealed
"Sing it for us, bato." Scooter requested.
-"Sing it for us, Bato," Scooter requested.
"Anybody want to fill me {in?", Daniel} questioned.
-"Anybody want to fill me in?" Daniel questioned.
The buildings {was} empty,
-were
{The} rode fifteen miles further south, arriving in Yreka, California.
-They
"Good. Get to it. Leave {thes} front door into the market for last,
- this
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2022
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That's was quite a hearty chapter. There are some things I think you should look over for editing. I would go over it slowly. I picked out a few that stood out immediately.
notes:
"Not at first. I guess they took him to this {vey} beach where he spent the night in agony. He was dead by morning," the obese black man said.
-very
"Oh man. What happened {next,"} Daniel asked.
-next?"
Used that Baretta 9mm that he always {carries." Tiny} revealed, standing up.
-carries," Tiny revealed
"Sing it for us, bato." Scooter requested.
-"Sing it for us, Bato," Scooter requested.
"Anybody want to fill me {in?", Daniel} questioned.
-"Anybody want to fill me in?" Daniel questioned.
The buildings {was} empty,
-were
{The} rode fifteen miles further south, arriving in Yreka, California.
-They
"Good. Get to it. Leave {thes} front door into the market for last,
- this
Comment Written 27-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2022
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Once again, thank you so much. I really appreciate your help. There is a learning curve when you start writing.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Good story. I never happened to read this one before. It is the most exciting, and I can't wait to see where you go with the plot. I enjoyed this story immensely and look forward to reading the rest of it.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2022
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Good story. I never happened to read this one before. It is the most exciting, and I can't wait to see where you go with the plot. I enjoyed this story immensely and look forward to reading the rest of it.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2022
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Thank you. The book is shaping up nicely!
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
I enjoyed this chapter, as the writing was engaging from the beginning and carried through to the story's conclusion.
The characters seem well developed and authentic.
The dialogue has a natural flow and is easily followed.
I appreciate the background at the top of the postcard, I have not read earlier chapters. It helped me jump right in.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2022
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I enjoyed this chapter, as the writing was engaging from the beginning and carried through to the story's conclusion.
The characters seem well developed and authentic.
The dialogue has a natural flow and is easily followed.
I appreciate the background at the top of the postcard, I have not read earlier chapters. It helped me jump right in.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2022
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Thank you! You are so very kind. I appreciate the support.
