Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Southbound And Down"A sci-fi thriller!
3 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
You've packed a lot of action into this one. Good job with chasing the kayakers and saving the tunnel people. I am liking and respecting Daniel more with each ensuing chapter, but I'm already worried about what the vixen will do to compromise him. Copious notes follow re things I really liked, grammar and typos. Keep the chapters coming.
Sue
Horndog nearly laid his bike down, trying to swing about, which sent the others sliding off the rode onto gravel. -- Now we're talking!
Horndog stood there with his hands on the back of his head, -- seven stars
A couple hours later, Stan sent then out to search the town. -- typo ==> them
He was requesting assistance by the waterpark. ==> water park
After dropping the rubber flashlight in, Daniel slid down the ladder with his hands and feet on the outside edge, a trick that the military used for quick entries. -- Yay!
He quickly observed that his light shone on a blood trail, which led down the tunnel. -- Great! I can picture the flashlight beam running parallel with the floor.
There was something more, a smell. The smell of people. The type given off from several people residing in cramped quarters for long periods of time. -- Excellent. This whole paragraph is really good.
The man had a colt .45. ==> Colt
Some of the people behind them looked sickly, while others were elderly and children. -- Lesson time. Parallelism. When grouping a string of things they should all be similar in grammatical structure and nature. Sickly is an adjective, as is elderly, but children is a noun. ==> sickly, elderly, and very young.
Daniel could see matrasses and sleeping bags -- typo ==> mattresses
"I'm not going to hurt you," Daniel promised. "But I have to send him. -- missing closing "
You understand?" he finished with a question. -- delete he finished, etc. -- states the obvious and slows the action
The school marmish looking woman thought for a -- great description, but I would hyphenate to create a single adjective: school-marmish-looking
He held his finger to his lips -- antecedent to He is the old man. ==> Daniel
Toss me your empty .38 he demanded, pulling out a handful of rounds ==> "Toss me your empty .38,"
Daniel laid Barbara's .38 on the ground and placed the six or eight remaining bullets next to it. -- Doesn't he know if it's six or eight? Handful?
Horndog was hoping from foot to foot with excitement, -- LOL ==> hopping
I'm very lucky that they had poor aim. -- sounds a little formal for this environment -- something more like "I'm damn lucky they couldn't aim for shit."
They went back to the shed, and after Stan visited the command module, they received their reward. -- two sentences. Better as: module and retrieved their reward.
Daniel let out a long sigh of relief. There was no way that his luck would continue to hold out. If he didn't handle this biker situation soon, he was going to end up doing something that he would regret. -- I like this little interval into Daniel's thoughts.
or take Highway 98 to Chico which had yielded results many times before." ==> has; also seems a little formal; rewrite?
Once they got close to the large Californian city, they started seeing columns of smoke rising into the sky in the distance. To Daniel, the grey and black plums looked like giant tentacles trying to choke out the sun. Soon they could see that the town had been transformed. Hundreds . . . no thousands of seekers had descended upon the city and were devouring the vast resources that it provided. -- very good paragraph
Once again, it struck Daniel that the cities of men were eerily quiet, without men. -- Doesn't feel right. Suggest: the cities of man were eery without the noises of man. (Better to use inclusive man, as in mankind, than men which implies sex.)
"State your business," a man with a badly scarred face questioned. He wore a black hooded sweatshirt and black cargo pants. All three of the gate guards carried swords in sheaths at their waists. -- Why the change to blue type? He didn't question, he demanded. I like the sheathed swords!
"Shit Creeper. You know who I am," Stan said. == "Shit, Creeper," (otherwise reads as though Shit is part of his name)
"The Down Dirty and Dead are always welcome -- Creeper's mistake or yours? ==> Dirty Down and Dead; if Creeper's mistake, Stan needs to correct him.
There over a dozen corporate style jets, to include Boeings, Gulfstreams, and Airbuses. -- Incomplete sentence; ==> corporate-style
"To what do I owe the honor of this unexpected visit, Stanley," the sexy women said. -- typo ==> woman
"Come on up . . . and oh . . . bring that tall cute one with you," the woman known as Jilly ordered, staring hard at Daniel with her smoky dark eyes. -- odd font change
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2022
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Douglas,
You've packed a lot of action into this one. Good job with chasing the kayakers and saving the tunnel people. I am liking and respecting Daniel more with each ensuing chapter, but I'm already worried about what the vixen will do to compromise him. Copious notes follow re things I really liked, grammar and typos. Keep the chapters coming.
Sue
Horndog nearly laid his bike down, trying to swing about, which sent the others sliding off the rode onto gravel. -- Now we're talking!
Horndog stood there with his hands on the back of his head, -- seven stars
A couple hours later, Stan sent then out to search the town. -- typo ==> them
He was requesting assistance by the waterpark. ==> water park
After dropping the rubber flashlight in, Daniel slid down the ladder with his hands and feet on the outside edge, a trick that the military used for quick entries. -- Yay!
He quickly observed that his light shone on a blood trail, which led down the tunnel. -- Great! I can picture the flashlight beam running parallel with the floor.
There was something more, a smell. The smell of people. The type given off from several people residing in cramped quarters for long periods of time. -- Excellent. This whole paragraph is really good.
The man had a colt .45. ==> Colt
Some of the people behind them looked sickly, while others were elderly and children. -- Lesson time. Parallelism. When grouping a string of things they should all be similar in grammatical structure and nature. Sickly is an adjective, as is elderly, but children is a noun. ==> sickly, elderly, and very young.
Daniel could see matrasses and sleeping bags -- typo ==> mattresses
"I'm not going to hurt you," Daniel promised. "But I have to send him. -- missing closing "
You understand?" he finished with a question. -- delete he finished, etc. -- states the obvious and slows the action
The school marmish looking woman thought for a -- great description, but I would hyphenate to create a single adjective: school-marmish-looking
He held his finger to his lips -- antecedent to He is the old man. ==> Daniel
Toss me your empty .38 he demanded, pulling out a handful of rounds ==> "Toss me your empty .38,"
Daniel laid Barbara's .38 on the ground and placed the six or eight remaining bullets next to it. -- Doesn't he know if it's six or eight? Handful?
Horndog was hoping from foot to foot with excitement, -- LOL ==> hopping
I'm very lucky that they had poor aim. -- sounds a little formal for this environment -- something more like "I'm damn lucky they couldn't aim for shit."
They went back to the shed, and after Stan visited the command module, they received their reward. -- two sentences. Better as: module and retrieved their reward.
Daniel let out a long sigh of relief. There was no way that his luck would continue to hold out. If he didn't handle this biker situation soon, he was going to end up doing something that he would regret. -- I like this little interval into Daniel's thoughts.
or take Highway 98 to Chico which had yielded results many times before." ==> has; also seems a little formal; rewrite?
Once they got close to the large Californian city, they started seeing columns of smoke rising into the sky in the distance. To Daniel, the grey and black plums looked like giant tentacles trying to choke out the sun. Soon they could see that the town had been transformed. Hundreds . . . no thousands of seekers had descended upon the city and were devouring the vast resources that it provided. -- very good paragraph
Once again, it struck Daniel that the cities of men were eerily quiet, without men. -- Doesn't feel right. Suggest: the cities of man were eery without the noises of man. (Better to use inclusive man, as in mankind, than men which implies sex.)
"State your business," a man with a badly scarred face questioned. He wore a black hooded sweatshirt and black cargo pants. All three of the gate guards carried swords in sheaths at their waists. -- Why the change to blue type? He didn't question, he demanded. I like the sheathed swords!
"Shit Creeper. You know who I am," Stan said. == "Shit, Creeper," (otherwise reads as though Shit is part of his name)
"The Down Dirty and Dead are always welcome -- Creeper's mistake or yours? ==> Dirty Down and Dead; if Creeper's mistake, Stan needs to correct him.
There over a dozen corporate style jets, to include Boeings, Gulfstreams, and Airbuses. -- Incomplete sentence; ==> corporate-style
"To what do I owe the honor of this unexpected visit, Stanley," the sexy women said. -- typo ==> woman
"Come on up . . . and oh . . . bring that tall cute one with you," the woman known as Jilly ordered, staring hard at Daniel with her smoky dark eyes. -- odd font change
Comment Written 01-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2022
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Sue,
I was in line at Tim Horton's when I saw your line about Shit Creeper being the man's name. I swear that I could not stop laughing. People thought that I was crazy. I have to use that name at some point in a piece.
Okay, we got passed that tough chapter. I felt like I might have done some of that rushing in the next one, but I didn't want the whole chapter to be dialogue.
Also it is funny that you keep telling me that I write too formal. In my previous job I wrote numerous arrest reports for federal judges and it was all very formal. Obviously no dialogue in those. So it's something that I have had to suppress.
Thank you once again! At least we are moving along . . .
Douglas
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Douglas,
You are making great strides. Dialogue is all about the "ears." People speak much differently from how they write. They slip into slang, broken sentences, bad grammar, etc. We can work more on that as we go along. I've found it's useful to go back to the beginning once a work is done and look for all the places where a little more or less, or a better word, or looser dialogue would help. I always try to "hear" what someone says before I write it. Try that by imagining how you or someone else would express the thought out loud.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Sue
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Oh I like that trying to hear. Visualizing the conversation. Very nice!
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I know you can do it, because sometimes you fall into naturally.
Comment from Ulla
By the time that the gang got their motorcycles = By the time, the gang got their motorcycles ... it reads much smoother and more professionally that way.
I like this story, and it's well written. But again, the chapters are far too long. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2022
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By the time that the gang got their motorcycles = By the time, the gang got their motorcycles ... it reads much smoother and more professionally that way.
I like this story, and it's well written. But again, the chapters are far too long. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 30-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2022
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This chapter was hard to write. I rushed it. I just re-wrote most of it.
Thanks for the review.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This is a strong chapter. Very well written. Loved your buildup and the energy the gang showed prior to the confrontation. Nice use of dialogue and an enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2022
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This is a strong chapter. Very well written. Loved your buildup and the energy the gang showed prior to the confrontation. Nice use of dialogue and an enjoyable read.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2022
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Thank you. People seem to like this book! I appreciate you!
