Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "The Sacramento Clan"A sci-fi thriller!
2 total reviews
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This is a well written chapter. You do a great job with the viewpoint character as we learn more about the bounty hunters and how things work in this world. Excellent use of dialogue. The story easily kept my interest and was very enjoyable.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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This is a well written chapter. You do a great job with the viewpoint character as we learn more about the bounty hunters and how things work in this world. Excellent use of dialogue. The story easily kept my interest and was very enjoyable.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Thank you, Sir!
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
I wanted to give you a five for story line, but there is too much work to be done cleaning up the writing before this is "ready to go." I would strongly suggest going back and reworking a lot of the dialogue. People speak in contractions, especially bikers. I liked the interaction with Jilly but wondered how she moved from stripper to clan leader. Dat was seduced, but at least she had some redeeming qualities. I liked the trading and the fact that regardless of truces, no one can really be trusted. I can't wait to find out what Daniel has up his sleeve. SPAG and other notes follow.
Sue
They entered the plane, -- new chapter -- WHO entered the plane?
He was starting to feel like a piece of meat sitting on a plate in front of a staving cat. -- great line -- typo ==> starving
She set the glass down and slid it between her hands while contemplating. -- slid, or rolled?
Made sense since most people seemed to be running out of bullets. -- not a sentence ==> That made sense. Alternately, if it's Daniel's thought, you can put the sentence(s) in italics, present tense.
"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours?" he smiled. -- not a question; use comma
He also saw a loaded AK-47 resting against in corner. ==> against a corner
When she pulled him towards the bed he resisted, causing her to release his hand and turning to face him, she said, "Why the pouty sad face, Daniel. Do you not like what you see?" -- better as:
When she pulled him towards the bed he resisted, causing her to release his hand. She turned to face him and said, "Why the pouty sad face, Daniel. Don't you like what you see?"
While they walked to the hanger that housed the gang, ==> hangar (I may have missed this in the last chapter)
When they entered the hanger, the other gang members ==> hangar
The loud noise woke up five woman that Jilly must have provided for the gang. --typo ==> women
The man turned out to a member of the Sacramento Clan Tribunal. ==> to be a
They stopped here because they had a storage shed, ==> stopped there
cussed the biker's up and down ==> bikers
The bikers pulled on old crate from the shed ==> pulled an old crate
You all are gonna die, gonna pay for this with---) -- punctuation ==> . . . "
I don't see the need to listen to his raving lunacy. -- somehow ended up as blue type
The northbound side was blown up and laid peeking out of the water like some kind of concrete sea monster, -- Great! Try for more like this.
Somebody, for unknown reasons, had spent their time setting up manikins all over the town. In buildings, parks, and on the streets, posed in different positions. -- Love this. Should be single sentence, with an em dash ==> town--in buildings
but took them out of the sniper's range, before it stopped running.-- one bike ==> took him
Dat had slipped in Stan's second-in-command position. ==> slipped into
After a dinner of canned plumbs, ==> plums
Some wear tearing off aluminum siding from a building and throwing it into a brown power circle ==> Some were
spent another week in the Stadium, -- no need to cap stadium
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2022
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Douglas,
I wanted to give you a five for story line, but there is too much work to be done cleaning up the writing before this is "ready to go." I would strongly suggest going back and reworking a lot of the dialogue. People speak in contractions, especially bikers. I liked the interaction with Jilly but wondered how she moved from stripper to clan leader. Dat was seduced, but at least she had some redeeming qualities. I liked the trading and the fact that regardless of truces, no one can really be trusted. I can't wait to find out what Daniel has up his sleeve. SPAG and other notes follow.
Sue
They entered the plane, -- new chapter -- WHO entered the plane?
He was starting to feel like a piece of meat sitting on a plate in front of a staving cat. -- great line -- typo ==> starving
She set the glass down and slid it between her hands while contemplating. -- slid, or rolled?
Made sense since most people seemed to be running out of bullets. -- not a sentence ==> That made sense. Alternately, if it's Daniel's thought, you can put the sentence(s) in italics, present tense.
"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours?" he smiled. -- not a question; use comma
He also saw a loaded AK-47 resting against in corner. ==> against a corner
When she pulled him towards the bed he resisted, causing her to release his hand and turning to face him, she said, "Why the pouty sad face, Daniel. Do you not like what you see?" -- better as:
When she pulled him towards the bed he resisted, causing her to release his hand. She turned to face him and said, "Why the pouty sad face, Daniel. Don't you like what you see?"
While they walked to the hanger that housed the gang, ==> hangar (I may have missed this in the last chapter)
When they entered the hanger, the other gang members ==> hangar
The loud noise woke up five woman that Jilly must have provided for the gang. --typo ==> women
The man turned out to a member of the Sacramento Clan Tribunal. ==> to be a
They stopped here because they had a storage shed, ==> stopped there
cussed the biker's up and down ==> bikers
The bikers pulled on old crate from the shed ==> pulled an old crate
You all are gonna die, gonna pay for this with---) -- punctuation ==> . . . "
I don't see the need to listen to his raving lunacy. -- somehow ended up as blue type
The northbound side was blown up and laid peeking out of the water like some kind of concrete sea monster, -- Great! Try for more like this.
Somebody, for unknown reasons, had spent their time setting up manikins all over the town. In buildings, parks, and on the streets, posed in different positions. -- Love this. Should be single sentence, with an em dash ==> town--in buildings
but took them out of the sniper's range, before it stopped running.-- one bike ==> took him
Dat had slipped in Stan's second-in-command position. ==> slipped into
After a dinner of canned plumbs, ==> plums
Some wear tearing off aluminum siding from a building and throwing it into a brown power circle ==> Some were
spent another week in the Stadium, -- no need to cap stadium
Comment Written 02-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2022
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Sue,
I'm not worried about stars or evening winning contests for that matter, it is just fun to compete. My primary concern is if I can write and appeal to an audience. I came up in a family environment where there was no support or acolades for acheivment and encouragement was secondary to sarcasm and snarkyness. In that environment, it was hard to know if you were good at anything.
Having said that, I really love to write and express my ideas. My initial inclination on putting this book on here was that it's not ready and I should rewrite first. Most book chapters placed on here seem to be highly polished and ready to go.
I am going to put myself on a self-imposed naughty time out and redo the last twelve chapters. Hopefully, you will jump back onboard when I have a better product to present.
I appreciate you! You are my first FS friend.
Douglas
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Douglas,
I commend you for wanting to be sure you are doing your best. You won't lose me my friend. I'll be happy to review at any time and give you my fair and honest assessment. I think you have plenty of raw talent. You just have to learn how to polish it a little.
Sue
