Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "A Legend Is Born"A sci-fi thriller!
2 total reviews
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This is another strong chapter in your story. Excellent dialogue and an interesting story that is developing well. I liked the use of dialogue and your descriptions. Very creative and an enjoyable ending. ;)
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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This is another strong chapter in your story. Excellent dialogue and an interesting story that is developing well. I liked the use of dialogue and your descriptions. Very creative and an enjoyable ending. ;)
Comment Written 10-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Thanks Michael, I appreciate you taking the time to review my story.
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
Good action in this one as Daniel gains authority and respect. You know you're a legend when the Wanted posters go out. Skim through for funky paragraph breaks. Notes follow.
Sue
full pears from the other. -- What are full pears? Fresh pears?
The clan lost three members during the first raid and one at the second, whom was one of the rescued slaves. -- Better as: . . . first raid and a slave on the second one.
because when the rescued detoxed off the overseers' -- I'd replace rescued with former slaves (reads better)
Olivia had quickly improved upon Daniel's attack strategy, proving that she was as smart as he had expected her to be. During the raids she had their forces carry as many ladders as they could, and now had everyone carrying a large pack so anyone could grab food, no matter where they were during the attack. -- good paragraph
The Oakland Clan taken out six overseers at the fruit ==> had taken
Daniel was on the sniper crew, of which numbered four. -- delete of
Daniel tensed up when of some of the remaining auto blasters opening up on his advancing troops, while more hover cars exploded. ==> opened
Daniel rapidly reloaded his bolt action M40 and quickly aimed in again, firing. -- firing ==> and fired.
guess as to where the red circle was at on the other side, and fired. -- delete at
Daniel saw far end front squad, led by a young blond woman with a buzz cut, go down in a sea of the berserking enemy. -- What? far end front squad? berzerking? (Not even a verb)
He dropped a second one with a single shot, that seemed to be hesitating over the smoking hover cars as it searched for a new target. -- better to start: A second one that . . . target, he dropped with a single shot.
"I sent a test message to several clans to see of anyone ==> see if
Where? How?" he questioned, handing her a half-drank bottle of rum ==> half-drunk
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2022
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Douglas,
Good action in this one as Daniel gains authority and respect. You know you're a legend when the Wanted posters go out. Skim through for funky paragraph breaks. Notes follow.
Sue
full pears from the other. -- What are full pears? Fresh pears?
The clan lost three members during the first raid and one at the second, whom was one of the rescued slaves. -- Better as: . . . first raid and a slave on the second one.
because when the rescued detoxed off the overseers' -- I'd replace rescued with former slaves (reads better)
Olivia had quickly improved upon Daniel's attack strategy, proving that she was as smart as he had expected her to be. During the raids she had their forces carry as many ladders as they could, and now had everyone carrying a large pack so anyone could grab food, no matter where they were during the attack. -- good paragraph
The Oakland Clan taken out six overseers at the fruit ==> had taken
Daniel was on the sniper crew, of which numbered four. -- delete of
Daniel tensed up when of some of the remaining auto blasters opening up on his advancing troops, while more hover cars exploded. ==> opened
Daniel rapidly reloaded his bolt action M40 and quickly aimed in again, firing. -- firing ==> and fired.
guess as to where the red circle was at on the other side, and fired. -- delete at
Daniel saw far end front squad, led by a young blond woman with a buzz cut, go down in a sea of the berserking enemy. -- What? far end front squad? berzerking? (Not even a verb)
He dropped a second one with a single shot, that seemed to be hesitating over the smoking hover cars as it searched for a new target. -- better to start: A second one that . . . target, he dropped with a single shot.
"I sent a test message to several clans to see of anyone ==> see if
Where? How?" he questioned, handing her a half-drank bottle of rum ==> half-drunk
Comment Written 07-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2022
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Susan,
Only seven chapters left! Keep marching! Thanks for the efforts that you have put in!!!
Douglas
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Go Dat!
