Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Dinner With The Frisco Clan"A sci-fi thriller!
3 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
You get a thin-ice five for this one. First of all, you have a gripping compelling story. Gay cannibals. Who would have seen that coming? Even Dat is fallible. Dialogue was great, particularly between Stiggy and partner. Olivia is building character (and value by saving Dat) all the time. However . . . You rushed through the proofreading, making me have to stop too often to point things out. Notes and additional lessons follow.
Sue
Olivia led the first team, which only lost one man, ==> which lost only one man (COMMON error; the way you wrote it actually says that all they DID was lose one man, and nothing else)
Daniel personally led the second group, hitting a pod that interestingly enough, ==> pod that, interestingly enough, (You are creating a clause used as an interjection. It has to be both opened and closed with a comma.
Daniel managed to drop a grenade on the enemy and ended it. ==> Ended the enemy (antecedent for it)? Ended the fight.
They had a good old fashion breakfast for dinner that night. ==> old-fashioned
There were ten of them, to include Olivia, Hambone, and Tiana. -- clunky, confusing. -- Was Daniel in the ten? Ending with "to include" isn't correct. Rephrase to clarify and be grammatically correct. -- (With Daniel, Olivia . . . included, there were ten.)
Once the small group reached the beach, Olivia and Tiana took two men forward and scouting around, making sure that this wasn't another overseer trap. -- jumbled and not a sentence ==> took two men forward to scout around and make sure
Two long aluminum boatloads of people arrived, -- the boatloads aren't aluminum! :-) ==> aluminum boats loaded with people
"Okay, that is a deal," Daniel agreed. -- Too formal. ==> "Okay. Deal."
"You show us how to get food and that won't need to happen," Stigler agreed, looking a bit ashamed. -- Show, don't tell. ==> agreed, looking at the ground. (Particularly since we later learn he's lying. He wouldn't want to make eye contact.)
Daniel asked about the lights, causing Stigler said that nobody who went to Alcatraz ever came back. ==> causing Stigler to say
Several of the men in the boat kept saying 'bad people'. ==> kept repeating, "Bad people. Bad people."
After tying up the two boats, the group walked into an open area with a burn barrel lit the center of it. -- Fix it.
if he weren't white and had red hair. -- stay parallel -- white and red-headed (Try to develop an instinct for this. Either stick with two adjectives or two comparable clauses. The correct second clause would be "and didn't have red hair." But two adjectives is tighter.)
A few men came up to take Daniel and his people's guns. -- could be "Daniel's and his people's," but better if they "took the guns from"
'oh shit, should we fight' ==> " . . . " -- reserve single quotation marks for quotes within quotes.
by shoving the six prisoner onto their knees. ==> prisoners -- I think of shoving as a horizontal move -- better word?
"Shit," she answered. "Okay, let's jump whoever opens that door and mess them up." -- Seems a little hokey. Can you do better?
When the door did finally open, about a day later, Daniel and Tiana had been sleeping. ==> were (had been implies they were then awake)
"I might have lied a tinsy bit about our clan. ==> teensy
the two gay men to laugh out loud and high fiving each other. -- high five
"How did you become the leader of this clan?" Daniel asked Stigler, ignored their crude vulgarity. ==> ignoring
"He killed Big Jim with one punch." Tiana said, whistled sharply, while Daniel picked Ronnie up off the floor by the chain around his neck, causing the small man to kick at the air frantically. -- rewrite the part about whistling. I don't get it.
Everytime she turned around, Daniel seemed to find a new way to lose blood. ==> every time -- the way this is written, it changes the point of view. Put as a direct thought of Olivia in Italics.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Douglas,
You get a thin-ice five for this one. First of all, you have a gripping compelling story. Gay cannibals. Who would have seen that coming? Even Dat is fallible. Dialogue was great, particularly between Stiggy and partner. Olivia is building character (and value by saving Dat) all the time. However . . . You rushed through the proofreading, making me have to stop too often to point things out. Notes and additional lessons follow.
Sue
Olivia led the first team, which only lost one man, ==> which lost only one man (COMMON error; the way you wrote it actually says that all they DID was lose one man, and nothing else)
Daniel personally led the second group, hitting a pod that interestingly enough, ==> pod that, interestingly enough, (You are creating a clause used as an interjection. It has to be both opened and closed with a comma.
Daniel managed to drop a grenade on the enemy and ended it. ==> Ended the enemy (antecedent for it)? Ended the fight.
They had a good old fashion breakfast for dinner that night. ==> old-fashioned
There were ten of them, to include Olivia, Hambone, and Tiana. -- clunky, confusing. -- Was Daniel in the ten? Ending with "to include" isn't correct. Rephrase to clarify and be grammatically correct. -- (With Daniel, Olivia . . . included, there were ten.)
Once the small group reached the beach, Olivia and Tiana took two men forward and scouting around, making sure that this wasn't another overseer trap. -- jumbled and not a sentence ==> took two men forward to scout around and make sure
Two long aluminum boatloads of people arrived, -- the boatloads aren't aluminum! :-) ==> aluminum boats loaded with people
"Okay, that is a deal," Daniel agreed. -- Too formal. ==> "Okay. Deal."
"You show us how to get food and that won't need to happen," Stigler agreed, looking a bit ashamed. -- Show, don't tell. ==> agreed, looking at the ground. (Particularly since we later learn he's lying. He wouldn't want to make eye contact.)
Daniel asked about the lights, causing Stigler said that nobody who went to Alcatraz ever came back. ==> causing Stigler to say
Several of the men in the boat kept saying 'bad people'. ==> kept repeating, "Bad people. Bad people."
After tying up the two boats, the group walked into an open area with a burn barrel lit the center of it. -- Fix it.
if he weren't white and had red hair. -- stay parallel -- white and red-headed (Try to develop an instinct for this. Either stick with two adjectives or two comparable clauses. The correct second clause would be "and didn't have red hair." But two adjectives is tighter.)
A few men came up to take Daniel and his people's guns. -- could be "Daniel's and his people's," but better if they "took the guns from"
'oh shit, should we fight' ==> " . . . " -- reserve single quotation marks for quotes within quotes.
by shoving the six prisoner onto their knees. ==> prisoners -- I think of shoving as a horizontal move -- better word?
"Shit," she answered. "Okay, let's jump whoever opens that door and mess them up." -- Seems a little hokey. Can you do better?
When the door did finally open, about a day later, Daniel and Tiana had been sleeping. ==> were (had been implies they were then awake)
"I might have lied a tinsy bit about our clan. ==> teensy
the two gay men to laugh out loud and high fiving each other. -- high five
"How did you become the leader of this clan?" Daniel asked Stigler, ignored their crude vulgarity. ==> ignoring
"He killed Big Jim with one punch." Tiana said, whistled sharply, while Daniel picked Ronnie up off the floor by the chain around his neck, causing the small man to kick at the air frantically. -- rewrite the part about whistling. I don't get it.
Everytime she turned around, Daniel seemed to find a new way to lose blood. ==> every time -- the way this is written, it changes the point of view. Put as a direct thought of Olivia in Italics.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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A thin-ice five is better than a solid four! Saved by a gay cannibal plot twist. . . oh my.
On a serious note, I felt better about this review than the previous two chapters. In those I felt like a knucklehead when you catch things that I should have caught like misspelling Daniel and an 'if' for an 'is' and such.
In this chapter, while the mistakes were more frequent, the teaching points are the meat and potatoes. Structural things that I need to improve upon. Grade A teaching. Thank you so much! You are a blessing, my friend.
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You made me smile. Teaching (coaching) is what it is all about. You have come a long way since Chapter 1. I almost quit halfway through, but the plot was so original I wanted to see where you would take it. The morning routine was almost comical, in a really creepy way.
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I just redid the next chapter one more time. Still found dumb mistakes. Argh! We get a better picture of what happened to Daniel?s family.
Glad I made you smile. Also glad you didn?t give up. I think some of the twists in the ending will be unexpected. I find myself wondering what you think is really going on. We shall see!
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All I know is what you write. If you bamboozle me, so much the better!
It's really, really hard to proof your own work. It helps to let things sit a few days, when what you think you wrote isn't so fresh in your mind.
Comment from Dr. Von
This chapter is well-written with a tight storyline that keeps the reader engaged. Your character descriptions are good. This product serves the apocalyptic genre very well. Good work landing the combative scenes. If grammar is a concern, I suggest adding the Grammarly app along with spell check. I find them helpful and annoying. Good luck. Thank you for your work.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2022
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This chapter is well-written with a tight storyline that keeps the reader engaged. Your character descriptions are good. This product serves the apocalyptic genre very well. Good work landing the combative scenes. If grammar is a concern, I suggest adding the Grammarly app along with spell check. I find them helpful and annoying. Good luck. Thank you for your work.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2022
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Thank you, Sir! I will check that out.
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Very welcome.
Comment from prettybluebirds
This story is kind of gross. It's bad enough to be people eaters, but gay people eaters? It is an extremely interesting read and I did enjoy it even if it is gross. I look forward to reading more of your writings.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2022
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This story is kind of gross. It's bad enough to be people eaters, but gay people eaters? It is an extremely interesting read and I did enjoy it even if it is gross. I look forward to reading more of your writings.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2022
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The end of the world may be messy!
