Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Home Sweet Home"A sci-fi thriller!
3 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
How could you do this to me? You practically "told" the whole thing; I suspect you were racing to the part you like best. Great plot line, but feels like an outline. The last section with the horsemen is the best part of your writing. I'm a little confused about the kids. His wife was leaving for Alcatraz, but there is no evidence she made it that far. Certainly he would recognize his own children, more so than they might recognize him, which their affection indicates. Copious notes follow. I sure would like to see an almost complete rewrite of this chapter in which you show us what is happening and include more dialogue.
Coach Sue (Drop and give me fifty!)
bandaged him up. -- delete up -- too "slangish" and never end with a preposition
It was Barbara's group from the waterpark. -- took me a minute to recall Barbara -- maybe rework to include the tunnel encounter as a reminder
Barbara said that she had managed to kill two deer with her .38. Daniel certainly looked at the woman with a newfound respect when he heard that she landed two deer with such a small caliber pistol. -- suggest good place to replace telling with dialogue -- same for whole paragraph
The following month, the growing clan hit several pods. Many of the first people that they had rescued were now off emotional quarantine and were helping them -- suggest asterisk break before this paragraph because of time lapse
Casualties were lite, and things were going very well. Casualties were beer? ==> light :-)
The Dog Pack returned towards the end of the month. -- I don't remember these guys. Either non-memorable before, or not enough reminders here.
Daniel expected trouble between Olivia and Jilly, which seemed tense at first. -- Ending clause doesn't make sense.
Five hours later, Daniel left the two spent and sleeping women, penning a note for Olivia. -- were the women penning a note? ==> and penned a note
Daniel figured that if he could stay on the roads, he could do over fifty miles a day, even at night. -- Sparky must be really sturdy. What about grain/grazing for the horse? It would have to be a very well-conditioned well-fed horse to do fifty miles a day for that long. I also wish you had mentioned more horses earlier in the book. They almost appear by magic, on demand. (Lots of wild horses a few states to the west. Perhaps you could have a group of remote wranglers. Cowboys can be as tough as marines, and just as good with firearms. Just a thought.
grandad's cattle farm back when he was eighteen. ==> cattle ranch!
Daniel's face as he re-lived the memory. ==> relived
A movement out of his peripheral and his .357 was out in a flash. -- Not a sentence; peripheral what? -- Rewrite coherently.
Inside of the apartment was a mess. -- Delete Inside of
Laying on the bed was a body on its stomach. ==> Lying
When Daniel rolled the body over, he realized that it was a skeleton that wore an ACDC t-shirt. -- What happened to the flesh? Was the bed covered in rat shit?
It had been lying on the table, under a toppled plant that was now just dirt. -- the plant wouldn't turn to dirt -- you have to account for it as well.
began to read. It said: -- Don't need "It said:" -- obvious and slows the reader
Still, he had sweated out valuable liquids while sleeping in an old barn that day. Water might become an issue. -- If the barn was for livestock, it probably had well water.
He only saw them for a second, -- only belongs before "a second"
Not being able to see into the black chasm, he couldn't help but feel like a tasty morsel, hanging onto the lip of a giant underground earth beast. -- this is the author Douglas I have come to expect!
he had also broke his wrist. -- don't split verb forms ==> he also had broken (with an N)
Daniel looked about, noting that there were six of them, laying on bed slabs ==> lying
The wake-up whistle sounded, causing all six of the seekers to immediately sit straight up -- Why didn't Dat shoot them all on discovery?
The bullet struck a seeker in the knee that was approaching him from the front. -- the knee wasn't approaching him-- he struck the knee of a seeker that was approaching
The seekers were able to sustain a lot of damage. -- last clause is ambiguous -- why not just say they were hard to kill? (With better words, of course.)
After Daniel was finished, he was covered in blood and was very exhausted. After wrapping his new wound, Daniel leaned back against one of the dead seekers and fell asleep. -- After . . . After ... (Such close repetition is not good.)
He forgot about the mystery children and headed back north on Route 101. -- He thought they looked like his kids and just forgot them? No way.
he found an old corn silo to rest in. -- weak and then there's that damn preposition on the end.
The following evening, as he started out, Daniel saw them again. -- okay, I get it. His kids haven't forgotten him and are following him.
That evening, Daniel rested in an old tool shed, popping some blisters on his feet, when he heard the children. -- Lazy, lazy, lazy writing. Deserves at least two sentences.
he had slept when he was awoken by ==> was awakened
near a town that he had rode through ==> had ridden
Town was a stretch. -- I would put Town in quotes
Way too many to count, slowly riding towards him. -- Yes! Here come the cowboys. Cavalry to the rescue!
"Why do you show no fear of us Daniel Allen Taylor. ==> ?
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2022
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Douglas,
How could you do this to me? You practically "told" the whole thing; I suspect you were racing to the part you like best. Great plot line, but feels like an outline. The last section with the horsemen is the best part of your writing. I'm a little confused about the kids. His wife was leaving for Alcatraz, but there is no evidence she made it that far. Certainly he would recognize his own children, more so than they might recognize him, which their affection indicates. Copious notes follow. I sure would like to see an almost complete rewrite of this chapter in which you show us what is happening and include more dialogue.
Coach Sue (Drop and give me fifty!)
bandaged him up. -- delete up -- too "slangish" and never end with a preposition
It was Barbara's group from the waterpark. -- took me a minute to recall Barbara -- maybe rework to include the tunnel encounter as a reminder
Barbara said that she had managed to kill two deer with her .38. Daniel certainly looked at the woman with a newfound respect when he heard that she landed two deer with such a small caliber pistol. -- suggest good place to replace telling with dialogue -- same for whole paragraph
The following month, the growing clan hit several pods. Many of the first people that they had rescued were now off emotional quarantine and were helping them -- suggest asterisk break before this paragraph because of time lapse
Casualties were lite, and things were going very well. Casualties were beer? ==> light :-)
The Dog Pack returned towards the end of the month. -- I don't remember these guys. Either non-memorable before, or not enough reminders here.
Daniel expected trouble between Olivia and Jilly, which seemed tense at first. -- Ending clause doesn't make sense.
Five hours later, Daniel left the two spent and sleeping women, penning a note for Olivia. -- were the women penning a note? ==> and penned a note
Daniel figured that if he could stay on the roads, he could do over fifty miles a day, even at night. -- Sparky must be really sturdy. What about grain/grazing for the horse? It would have to be a very well-conditioned well-fed horse to do fifty miles a day for that long. I also wish you had mentioned more horses earlier in the book. They almost appear by magic, on demand. (Lots of wild horses a few states to the west. Perhaps you could have a group of remote wranglers. Cowboys can be as tough as marines, and just as good with firearms. Just a thought.
grandad's cattle farm back when he was eighteen. ==> cattle ranch!
Daniel's face as he re-lived the memory. ==> relived
A movement out of his peripheral and his .357 was out in a flash. -- Not a sentence; peripheral what? -- Rewrite coherently.
Inside of the apartment was a mess. -- Delete Inside of
Laying on the bed was a body on its stomach. ==> Lying
When Daniel rolled the body over, he realized that it was a skeleton that wore an ACDC t-shirt. -- What happened to the flesh? Was the bed covered in rat shit?
It had been lying on the table, under a toppled plant that was now just dirt. -- the plant wouldn't turn to dirt -- you have to account for it as well.
began to read. It said: -- Don't need "It said:" -- obvious and slows the reader
Still, he had sweated out valuable liquids while sleeping in an old barn that day. Water might become an issue. -- If the barn was for livestock, it probably had well water.
He only saw them for a second, -- only belongs before "a second"
Not being able to see into the black chasm, he couldn't help but feel like a tasty morsel, hanging onto the lip of a giant underground earth beast. -- this is the author Douglas I have come to expect!
he had also broke his wrist. -- don't split verb forms ==> he also had broken (with an N)
Daniel looked about, noting that there were six of them, laying on bed slabs ==> lying
The wake-up whistle sounded, causing all six of the seekers to immediately sit straight up -- Why didn't Dat shoot them all on discovery?
The bullet struck a seeker in the knee that was approaching him from the front. -- the knee wasn't approaching him-- he struck the knee of a seeker that was approaching
The seekers were able to sustain a lot of damage. -- last clause is ambiguous -- why not just say they were hard to kill? (With better words, of course.)
After Daniel was finished, he was covered in blood and was very exhausted. After wrapping his new wound, Daniel leaned back against one of the dead seekers and fell asleep. -- After . . . After ... (Such close repetition is not good.)
He forgot about the mystery children and headed back north on Route 101. -- He thought they looked like his kids and just forgot them? No way.
he found an old corn silo to rest in. -- weak and then there's that damn preposition on the end.
The following evening, as he started out, Daniel saw them again. -- okay, I get it. His kids haven't forgotten him and are following him.
That evening, Daniel rested in an old tool shed, popping some blisters on his feet, when he heard the children. -- Lazy, lazy, lazy writing. Deserves at least two sentences.
he had slept when he was awoken by ==> was awakened
near a town that he had rode through ==> had ridden
Town was a stretch. -- I would put Town in quotes
Way too many to count, slowly riding towards him. -- Yes! Here come the cowboys. Cavalry to the rescue!
"Why do you show no fear of us Daniel Allen Taylor. ==> ?
Comment Written 11-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2022
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Ahhh the infamous Chapter Nineteen. It has been a thorn in my side since we started this journey together.
So, in the beginning, Ulla and you, and others said that the chapters were way to long. I researched the standard novel lengths and agreed. My ready fix was to break each chapter into two chapters. That worked well, except for 19. It was long at over ten pages, but would have made two really short chapters if I broke it up.
My solution had been to pull dialogue and shorten the whole thing by replacing the talk with "they went here and did this and that". So fast forward to now and I didn't like the cuts, yet I still kicked it out.
Bonehead move.
Anyways, I have added the dialogue back in as I had the old book saved, but still had too many pages. I cut a few things, including most of the children stuff. I was trying to make the reader think that maybe it was or wasn't his kids and was he hallucinating with fever or not, but it didn't play well. Since it wasn't a key part of the story, I dropped it. Now the chapter is at a lengthy but reasonable 8 pages and back to having the Hilt and Barbara dialogue plus more. That is what I should have done in the first place.
Also, your concern about the horses magically appearing got me to thinking. Entire book with no animals. That needs to be addressed. No Dogs, cats, or birds. I think I need go back and sprinkle in a few animal sightings and such.
Sorry, this chapter flopped. Stay the course, please. Newbie writers can be a pain in the arse.
Thank you!
(PS I can't believe that I missed all of those lay and lying words again. My aggressive 50% idiot persona is dominating at this point)
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Douglas,
Thank you for staying the course and being ready to adapt. Don't let the length of a chapter or two stop you if the story requires telling (showing). It is better to have an abundance of good faced-paced writing as opposed to a smaller amount of bad, dull writing. There are no absolute rules about chapter length. Now, lay down your pen and go lie down for a rest.
Sue
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was terrific. You do a wonderful job of developing not just the story but your characters that are interesting and growing with the story. You use dialogue so well and it's natural and helps the story progress. This was an enjoyable and interesting read. Great job!
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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I thought this was terrific. You do a wonderful job of developing not just the story but your characters that are interesting and growing with the story. You use dialogue so well and it's natural and helps the story progress. This was an enjoyable and interesting read. Great job!
Comment Written 10-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Thank you. You are very encouraging! I appreciate it.
Comment from prettybluebirds
I have read previous chapters of this story, and it keeps getting better. I'm glad you found some help for Daniel, he sure needed it. I'm enjoying your story and look forward to the next chapter. Nice work.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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I have read previous chapters of this story, and it keeps getting better. I'm glad you found some help for Daniel, he sure needed it. I'm enjoying your story and look forward to the next chapter. Nice work.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Why, thank you! You are such an encouraging person!
