Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Say Hello To Your Old Pal"A sci-fi thriller!
2 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Daniel,
Much better. Now there's a chapter. Dialogue is much more natural. I like Juan Carlos's plurals. I made copious notes. Some teaching, some typos, some "Huh?s," and some things I really liked. The ending scene is perfect, except for a couple little tweaks. But it shows and reads as totally believable. Yay!
Sue
"Manny, set up that moose codes thingy we got back in Tijuana." -- I like this.
Juan Carlos and his horse raiders had been waging a war against the seekers themselves. -- themselves seems to refer to seekers; suggest "waging their own war" and eliminate themselves
I doubt that there's any help out there. -- inclusion of "that" seems very formal; same dialogue piece -- suggest: That's why we're . . . -- people usually speak in
contractions
The group had ten old buckboard style wagons as well, that carried all manner of supplies. Fruit, vegetables, ammunition, a couple loaded with scavenged hay, and two for transporting a handful of the elderly and young. -- Yes, an army on the move. Love the elderly and young.
"State your business," the badly scarred faced Creeper -- intervening paragraphs (great ones) have separated us from the arrival. Perhaps add something about approaching the gate of the SC to bring us back to the present. -- also, I'd eliminate badly and ==> scar-faced
Sacramento Clan guards, were arriving to face off with the -- delete comma (no purpose)
"State your business," the scuzzy man repeated, his greasy black hair creeping out from the bottom of his hood like dirty black fingers. ******
Most of her people started to wonder off, -- typo ==> wander
"I understand that it's a lot to ask," Daniel said. "My clan will send food." -- confusing -- won't Dat and the Mexican army feed themselves?
"Technically it is possible, but we would loose too manys horses -- typo ==> lose
"Jilly and Daniel spent an intensely passionate day -- delete stray " at beginning -- not dialogue
He knew that Stan was trying to get him upset. Daniel just -- start first sentence with Daniel and second with He
He knew that Stan was trying to get him upset. Daniel just stared at the dangerous man, calmly waiting for his chance. He could feel the intense adrenaline forcing heat through his veins in a rush of excitement. This was when the marine was at his best. -- except for change above, ****** paragraph
the second that he turned me into the cops." ==> turned me in to the cops -- Stan didn't become the cops :-)
Well, that's just it. I had an interesting -- missing opening "
It was one of the other prostitutes who ratted you out," -- would he say "other prostitutes" or just "one of the hookers"?
the best, mano y mano, once and for all. -- correctly mano a mano = hand to hand; reads hand and hand (I know a lot of people mess that up, but Stan is pretty educated, though evil.)
you misunderstood me from day one and still doing it are right up to the last moment. -- Whaaat? -- editing garble?
What's rolling around in my head is a dead woman, -- missing opening "
Stan only glared at him, his anger rising, with his happy persona being gobbled up by his dark side. The transformation was almost visible, like a wolf eating a rabbit. -- very nice
" A single gunshot ended Stan the Man's rant. -- " marks need a back space
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2022
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Daniel,
Much better. Now there's a chapter. Dialogue is much more natural. I like Juan Carlos's plurals. I made copious notes. Some teaching, some typos, some "Huh?s," and some things I really liked. The ending scene is perfect, except for a couple little tweaks. But it shows and reads as totally believable. Yay!
Sue
"Manny, set up that moose codes thingy we got back in Tijuana." -- I like this.
Juan Carlos and his horse raiders had been waging a war against the seekers themselves. -- themselves seems to refer to seekers; suggest "waging their own war" and eliminate themselves
I doubt that there's any help out there. -- inclusion of "that" seems very formal; same dialogue piece -- suggest: That's why we're . . . -- people usually speak in
contractions
The group had ten old buckboard style wagons as well, that carried all manner of supplies. Fruit, vegetables, ammunition, a couple loaded with scavenged hay, and two for transporting a handful of the elderly and young. -- Yes, an army on the move. Love the elderly and young.
"State your business," the badly scarred faced Creeper -- intervening paragraphs (great ones) have separated us from the arrival. Perhaps add something about approaching the gate of the SC to bring us back to the present. -- also, I'd eliminate badly and ==> scar-faced
Sacramento Clan guards, were arriving to face off with the -- delete comma (no purpose)
"State your business," the scuzzy man repeated, his greasy black hair creeping out from the bottom of his hood like dirty black fingers. ******
Most of her people started to wonder off, -- typo ==> wander
"I understand that it's a lot to ask," Daniel said. "My clan will send food." -- confusing -- won't Dat and the Mexican army feed themselves?
"Technically it is possible, but we would loose too manys horses -- typo ==> lose
"Jilly and Daniel spent an intensely passionate day -- delete stray " at beginning -- not dialogue
He knew that Stan was trying to get him upset. Daniel just -- start first sentence with Daniel and second with He
He knew that Stan was trying to get him upset. Daniel just stared at the dangerous man, calmly waiting for his chance. He could feel the intense adrenaline forcing heat through his veins in a rush of excitement. This was when the marine was at his best. -- except for change above, ****** paragraph
the second that he turned me into the cops." ==> turned me in to the cops -- Stan didn't become the cops :-)
Well, that's just it. I had an interesting -- missing opening "
It was one of the other prostitutes who ratted you out," -- would he say "other prostitutes" or just "one of the hookers"?
the best, mano y mano, once and for all. -- correctly mano a mano = hand to hand; reads hand and hand (I know a lot of people mess that up, but Stan is pretty educated, though evil.)
you misunderstood me from day one and still doing it are right up to the last moment. -- Whaaat? -- editing garble?
What's rolling around in my head is a dead woman, -- missing opening "
Stan only glared at him, his anger rising, with his happy persona being gobbled up by his dark side. The transformation was almost visible, like a wolf eating a rabbit. -- very nice
" A single gunshot ended Stan the Man's rant. -- " marks need a back space
Comment Written 14-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2022
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Sue,
I saw this on my phone first and it always looks double . . .I was really bummed that I had so many flubs. Now that I am on my computer it looks much better, plus some of the paragraphs are good comments, Phew!
SO maybe we can get this train back on track!
As always, thank you my friend!
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Douglas,
This was a real improvement. I know you haven't had much specialized education in English (per your bio) so I'm trying to teach some of the finer points with explanations. That always makes for longer comments. Dialogue really requires developing an ear, because almost no one speaks with correct grammar or complete sentences all the time. Dialogue is often "reactionary" in nature. The Dat/Stan scene is great-
?just as one would imagine them speaking.
Plus typos don't count. Everyone has those!
You done good!
Sue
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Interestingly, I initially had Daniel accept the knife fight and I had the whole scene written out. After reading it, it just felt wrong. It didn't match Daniel's character of one single minded purpose, to fight the aliens. If slashing it out with Stan had assisted in that cause then he would have readily done it, like fighting Big Jim to take his clan. So, although it was somewhat anti-climactic, I thought that Daniel putting Stan down like a rabid dog that stood in his way was much more in character. Or I am just over-thinking things.
Anyhoo, thanks for the kudos!
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I liked how you handled it. In the "before" world Daniel's moral code would have been different. But there are no Miranda rights, judges or juries. Daniel at least read the charges before the execution, not murder. Besides, there's no fair play in self defense. Plus, Stan was an impediment to the ultimate goal, and as the leader of the resistance, Daniel would have been irresponsible to risk his life in a knife fight with a worthy opponent. You handled it perfectly -- one of my favorite scenes.
One little nagging thing. I think Stan asked him where his "gun" was. Maybe if you referred to the specific weapon Daniel carried when he was with the gang, it would make less of a liar out of Daniel, and easier for him to say with a straight face that it was in the plane. Just a thought.
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Interesting. Initially I had Stan ask if he the shotgun was but then I thought he would have seen that he didn?t. That part was nagging at me as well. I think that I?ll take a look and reword it a little.
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Stan could say something about where is it, or did Dat lose it. I think you can figure it out. Such a great scene.
Comment from Ric Myworld
A man of the world who knows about the South-of-the-border donkey shows. LOL. Some action-packed descriptive writing that kept me interested throughout. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2022
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A man of the world who knows about the South-of-the-border donkey shows. LOL. Some action-packed descriptive writing that kept me interested throughout. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2022
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Most southern California Marines are well informed good Sir! Thank you for the review.
