Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Cowboys And Aliens"A sci-fi thriller!
2 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
Much, much better as two chapters. Lots of notes, including good ones and English lessons. I liked this chapter and am anxious for what comes next. A little unclear how many will return to Jilly in Sacramento and how many will go with Daniel to Oakland. I'd think he'd try to keep larger forces with him, even if they had to bivouac a ways away. Bravo!
Sue
The men ate beef stew that had been prepared in Sacramento and slept under the stars. ==> comma after Sacramento -- otherwise reads as though the stew slept under the stars
"Since we left the wagons and cattle behind, and everyone is riding single, we have made good time," Juan Carlos said to Dat after riding up to him near a large field. "Let's rest the horses for a few hours and let them graze. Then we can walk them until it gets dark." -- Yes, makes sense.
The horse that Daniel was riding hadn't been named as it was a fairly new addition. Once Daniel learned that, the song Riding Through The Desert On A Horse With No Name by America popped into his head. For the rest of the night, he couldn't get the annoying lyrics out of his head. He was glad when they finally arrived. -- Blue text? How'd that happen? -- Italicize song title -- great paragraph! Brings the reader along for the ride. :-) -- at the end we discover the horse has a name, so perhaps you should just say Daniel hadn't heard the horse's name mentioned, and many were unnamed. Then it will conform with the ending
He was glad when they finally arrived. -- dang pronoun! -- antecedent for "they" is lyrics. -- Find a word(s) that define the group. (I read further and next paragraph does that. Perhaps line about arriving should be worked into a rewrite of the opening of the next paragraph
with about six hover cars each, spread around Chico. -- around [the perimeter] or throughout?
positioned on the southside of the city ==> south side
Juan Carlos' forces force was attacking. -- hiccup
with the column sitting just a few yards from them. -- column of what? -- a few yards AHEAD? (From above: The overseers were parked about five hundred yards out from the depleted city, on overwatch.) I assumed spread out. Is their now a column of six?
A drone exploded just above Daniel, showering him with sparks. The clan leader had placed men with sniper rifles all around the dead city for just such a purpose. -- Great!
Daniel instinctively threw himself off the side of his horse when the explosion demolished the overseer, and sent his horse toppling. Daniel managed to clear the dead animal just in time, rolling through the dust and landing on his butt. The side of his mount had been shredded by shrapnel from the explosion. -- Good action.
The only thing left of the overseer was separated arms, legs, head, and a torso. The helmet visor was cracked, but still intact. -- Dang. I so wanted Daniel to rip off the helmet and get a look at an alien face! You must be saving that and requiring me to keep reading. :-)
one of his men rode up and gave him the reigns to a riderless horse. ==> reins (reign refers to a term of rule; Caesar's reign began . . )
Six of his riders paced him and soon they were moving in a line. The rest of his forces had turned towards the seekers, intent upon taking out the real goal of the mission. -- I like this; I always try to picture "the movie" in the words
The two closest to Daniel and his men were still intact and heavily engaging Creeper's retreating forces. At least half of the fleeing man's horse forces were already ashes -- I'm taking issue with "the fleeing man's horse forces" -- at least half of his men and mounts? -- already REDUCED TO ashes?
The remaining fighters closed ranks and continued advancing. -- I'd have spread out to reduce the target mass, but I'm not a marine or vaquero. :-
Daniel knew that this was going to be close. -- Why not put his thoughts in italics, with some expletives?
starting his five to seven second count. ==> five- to seven-second (tricky punctuation rules)
The seekers immediately stopped working and let out loud growls. After sniffing the air, they turned and began to run towards the charging pair of horsemen at a sprint. -- Great!
The sounds of battle continued sounding off from ahead of them. -- you can do better
The enemy just left it behind, marking where a city once stood, like eerie wooden skeletal grave markers. -- I think you can improve on this, consider expression "once standing city" and "graveyard" with descriptions of the markers
The female had been knocked towards ==> you have chosen the words lady, female, female -- why not woman?
Ayude me!!!" -- check with someone who knows: familiar is ayudame; formal is ayudeme (both with accent marks over the u.); which would she use?
who rapidly smelled them approaching. -- I don't know if one can smell rapidly -- immediately?
Creeper had brought his remaining forces back into the fight! -- Hooray for Creeper! Now, who cares how often he bathes?
When Daniel looked confused, Juan Carlos translated, "He said that his name is Paco. He used to owns a brothel in Tijuana that ran a donkey show. Now he kills aliens. He wants to know if he can stays with you as your personal guard. He said that you needs one because you fights like a crazy wild man." -- good paragraph, but part of it is in blue -- Dat gets a wingman!
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2022
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Douglas,
Much, much better as two chapters. Lots of notes, including good ones and English lessons. I liked this chapter and am anxious for what comes next. A little unclear how many will return to Jilly in Sacramento and how many will go with Daniel to Oakland. I'd think he'd try to keep larger forces with him, even if they had to bivouac a ways away. Bravo!
Sue
The men ate beef stew that had been prepared in Sacramento and slept under the stars. ==> comma after Sacramento -- otherwise reads as though the stew slept under the stars
"Since we left the wagons and cattle behind, and everyone is riding single, we have made good time," Juan Carlos said to Dat after riding up to him near a large field. "Let's rest the horses for a few hours and let them graze. Then we can walk them until it gets dark." -- Yes, makes sense.
The horse that Daniel was riding hadn't been named as it was a fairly new addition. Once Daniel learned that, the song Riding Through The Desert On A Horse With No Name by America popped into his head. For the rest of the night, he couldn't get the annoying lyrics out of his head. He was glad when they finally arrived. -- Blue text? How'd that happen? -- Italicize song title -- great paragraph! Brings the reader along for the ride. :-) -- at the end we discover the horse has a name, so perhaps you should just say Daniel hadn't heard the horse's name mentioned, and many were unnamed. Then it will conform with the ending
He was glad when they finally arrived. -- dang pronoun! -- antecedent for "they" is lyrics. -- Find a word(s) that define the group. (I read further and next paragraph does that. Perhaps line about arriving should be worked into a rewrite of the opening of the next paragraph
with about six hover cars each, spread around Chico. -- around [the perimeter] or throughout?
positioned on the southside of the city ==> south side
Juan Carlos' forces force was attacking. -- hiccup
with the column sitting just a few yards from them. -- column of what? -- a few yards AHEAD? (From above: The overseers were parked about five hundred yards out from the depleted city, on overwatch.) I assumed spread out. Is their now a column of six?
A drone exploded just above Daniel, showering him with sparks. The clan leader had placed men with sniper rifles all around the dead city for just such a purpose. -- Great!
Daniel instinctively threw himself off the side of his horse when the explosion demolished the overseer, and sent his horse toppling. Daniel managed to clear the dead animal just in time, rolling through the dust and landing on his butt. The side of his mount had been shredded by shrapnel from the explosion. -- Good action.
The only thing left of the overseer was separated arms, legs, head, and a torso. The helmet visor was cracked, but still intact. -- Dang. I so wanted Daniel to rip off the helmet and get a look at an alien face! You must be saving that and requiring me to keep reading. :-)
one of his men rode up and gave him the reigns to a riderless horse. ==> reins (reign refers to a term of rule; Caesar's reign began . . )
Six of his riders paced him and soon they were moving in a line. The rest of his forces had turned towards the seekers, intent upon taking out the real goal of the mission. -- I like this; I always try to picture "the movie" in the words
The two closest to Daniel and his men were still intact and heavily engaging Creeper's retreating forces. At least half of the fleeing man's horse forces were already ashes -- I'm taking issue with "the fleeing man's horse forces" -- at least half of his men and mounts? -- already REDUCED TO ashes?
The remaining fighters closed ranks and continued advancing. -- I'd have spread out to reduce the target mass, but I'm not a marine or vaquero. :-
Daniel knew that this was going to be close. -- Why not put his thoughts in italics, with some expletives?
starting his five to seven second count. ==> five- to seven-second (tricky punctuation rules)
The seekers immediately stopped working and let out loud growls. After sniffing the air, they turned and began to run towards the charging pair of horsemen at a sprint. -- Great!
The sounds of battle continued sounding off from ahead of them. -- you can do better
The enemy just left it behind, marking where a city once stood, like eerie wooden skeletal grave markers. -- I think you can improve on this, consider expression "once standing city" and "graveyard" with descriptions of the markers
The female had been knocked towards ==> you have chosen the words lady, female, female -- why not woman?
Ayude me!!!" -- check with someone who knows: familiar is ayudame; formal is ayudeme (both with accent marks over the u.); which would she use?
who rapidly smelled them approaching. -- I don't know if one can smell rapidly -- immediately?
Creeper had brought his remaining forces back into the fight! -- Hooray for Creeper! Now, who cares how often he bathes?
When Daniel looked confused, Juan Carlos translated, "He said that his name is Paco. He used to owns a brothel in Tijuana that ran a donkey show. Now he kills aliens. He wants to know if he can stays with you as your personal guard. He said that you needs one because you fights like a crazy wild man." -- good paragraph, but part of it is in blue -- Dat gets a wingman!
Comment Written 15-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2022
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Wow! This story is shaping up nicely. All good stuff. Most were great learning points with a couple knucklehead mistakes scattered here and there.
The horse with no name died from shrapnel so the horse that had a name was his second horse during this fight. I changed all of the rest.
Now it?s time to fill in some missing pieces of the puzzle. . .
Once again, I appreciate you Wingwoman!
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Sorry I missed the switch in horses. I was probably focused more on the writing than the content. I'm having to learn to follow multiple stories at the same time and I'm accustomed to just grabbing a book, reading it, then moving on to the next. I see you have another post. I hope to get to it today, but have some "stuff" going on.
Now spread YOUR wings and write!
Comment from Ricky1024
"Cowboys and Aliens"
(The Movie)
I like this chapter which is the first one I've read.
And, I'm learning about the characters and trying to understand more about the book.
But from what I can see and understand.
So far it is very interesting.
The Objective and Adjective Contents both painted the picture as well.
Doctor Ricky
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2022
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"Cowboys and Aliens"
(The Movie)
I like this chapter which is the first one I've read.
And, I'm learning about the characters and trying to understand more about the book.
But from what I can see and understand.
So far it is very interesting.
The Objective and Adjective Contents both painted the picture as well.
Doctor Ricky
Comment Written 15-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2022
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Thank you Sir! You are jumping in towards the end, but is was an interesting chapter. This is my first public showing of one of my books. There has been a learning curve!
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Even though I've written a massive amount of literature in the many hundreds in 20 years I've not professionally published except for others with poetry but I do have a couple publishers and I am slowly working it's an extremely difficult project especially when you're dealing with hundreds of books and then trying to turn something into everything such as movie or TV show.
Doctor Ricky
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Yeah, I have been pretty laid back about the whole process. I have a five book fantasy series complete for ten years now. I write to write. If something presents, then I will try it, but I'm keeping my writing as stress free as possible.
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The only reason I consider publishing after about 800 written pieces somebody from the Christian Network found my religious poetry on a writing site that I had at the time.
(poetry and writing com)
He said he had been reading it and that he represents millions of Christians on the internet and that they need to see these words and read them.
I do write religiously every Sabbath Sunday since I am a Latter-Day Saint and there's enough of that material probably to probably a dozen books of religious poetry with Christian faith publishing but I'm way too busy with all my other projects.
Doctor Ricky
