Bad Boy Ric
Lunch at the HotHouse, part two.35 total reviews
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
The dialogue seems natural and pretty realistic and this moves the narrative along easily. I have a few comments which are below.
"Ric was not and had never been a bad guy. On the contrary, both men and women loved Ric. He could be the most generous person anyone could ever meet." ***Since this is the paragraph that starts the story and it's telling us about Ric, I think it could be a bit more dramatic and colorful. Maybe start with some dialogue or action that illustrate what you are saying about Ric. Or maybe some description of Ric sauntering into the bar looking for all the world like a "bad boy," then acting like he's a nice generous guy.
"Ric never sought enlightenment for being so superficial. Some things worked better for him than others." So it seems here like you are saying Ric is superficial and that works for him...my question would be how?
"He loves a lady for a while and leaves them." It should be he loves the ladies and leaves them or he loves a lady and leaves her.
Jennifer smiles at Hollis, "Coming in your direction, sweetie." Jennifer knows how to work the bar. It is obvious Jennifer knows how to work the bar, you've demonstrated it, you don't have to say it.
"Burl cramps my style when we try to meet some ladies." All you need to say is "Burl cramps my style."
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2022
  |
The dialogue seems natural and pretty realistic and this moves the narrative along easily. I have a few comments which are below.
"Ric was not and had never been a bad guy. On the contrary, both men and women loved Ric. He could be the most generous person anyone could ever meet." ***Since this is the paragraph that starts the story and it's telling us about Ric, I think it could be a bit more dramatic and colorful. Maybe start with some dialogue or action that illustrate what you are saying about Ric. Or maybe some description of Ric sauntering into the bar looking for all the world like a "bad boy," then acting like he's a nice generous guy.
"Ric never sought enlightenment for being so superficial. Some things worked better for him than others." So it seems here like you are saying Ric is superficial and that works for him...my question would be how?
"He loves a lady for a while and leaves them." It should be he loves the ladies and leaves them or he loves a lady and leaves her.
Jennifer smiles at Hollis, "Coming in your direction, sweetie." Jennifer knows how to work the bar. It is obvious Jennifer knows how to work the bar, you've demonstrated it, you don't have to say it.
"Burl cramps my style when we try to meet some ladies." All you need to say is "Burl cramps my style."
Comment Written 28-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2022
-
Thank you for reading my story and offering your opinion about some of the content, I will take a look at it. Terry.
Comment from Sandra Nelms-Ludwig
Great story, I will drop by for the next installment. Your characters are believable and your plot too. I laughed when I read your AN about Ric. He's for sure a cool guy on this site, and he's a good writer. Thanks for sharing this story. It's a good read, and the visual fits well.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
|
Great story, I will drop by for the next installment. Your characters are believable and your plot too. I laughed when I read your AN about Ric. He's for sure a cool guy on this site, and he's a good writer. Thanks for sharing this story. It's a good read, and the visual fits well.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
-
Sandra, thank you for reading. Two more to go. Terry
-
You are welcome. I will read them too.
Comment from T B Botts
Hello Terry,
I guess I missed part one, I'll have to go back and check it out. Why is the so much good writing on this site? I need to do something besides read great prose and poetry. Well done. I felt like I was there. I look forward to the next installment.
Have a blessed day.
Tom
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
|
Hello Terry,
I guess I missed part one, I'll have to go back and check it out. Why is the so much good writing on this site? I need to do something besides read great prose and poetry. Well done. I felt like I was there. I look forward to the next installment.
Have a blessed day.
Tom
Comment Written 27-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
-
Tom thank you for the reading. Terry
Comment from Annmuma
Well, you are getting all of sixes I have left!! This is a fun story with lots of dialogue and you how I like dialogue! To me, gives the reader a more in-dept look at the character when you hear dialogue -- rather than telling.
The scene is perfectly set, and the anticipation for the next installment is perfect. Everything is '6 perfect'. ann
I did find one tiny, unimportant thing I think would make the flow even better:
I would omit one of the 'even' s in the sentence copied below. Two 'even's' cause a bump in the flow. (told you, it was minute!)
even some Bob Wills. We got six guys covering guitars, drums, keyboards, and even a fiddle."
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
 |
Well, you are getting all of sixes I have left!! This is a fun story with lots of dialogue and you how I like dialogue! To me, gives the reader a more in-dept look at the character when you hear dialogue -- rather than telling.
The scene is perfectly set, and the anticipation for the next installment is perfect. Everything is '6 perfect'. ann
I did find one tiny, unimportant thing I think would make the flow even better:
I would omit one of the 'even' s in the sentence copied below. Two 'even's' cause a bump in the flow. (told you, it was minute!)
even some Bob Wills. We got six guys covering guitars, drums, keyboards, and even a fiddle."
Comment Written 27-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
-
Ann, thank you for the six stars, I will omit one of the evens and I am delighted you are the liking that series, two more to go. Terry.
Comment from royowen
I'm thinking perhaps this is a serial post Terry, it's a goodie, you don't usually write these, but I'm glad you have, it's going to interesting to read the progression, well done Terry, I was the front man tor a rock group in the sixties, but when a Christian I was married and toured with my family, heh heh. Beautifully written Terry, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
|
I'm thinking perhaps this is a serial post Terry, it's a goodie, you don't usually write these, but I'm glad you have, it's going to interesting to read the progression, well done Terry, I was the front man tor a rock group in the sixties, but when a Christian I was married and toured with my family, heh heh. Beautifully written Terry, blessings Roy
Comment Written 27-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
-
Roy, thanks for reading my story. There will be two more installments. The next one on Sunday and the final one early next week. It's interesting so far four guys on FS were also in a touring band and are enjoying the story from a guy that had no musical talent. LOL Thank you. Terry.
-
Well done
Comment from Soledadpaz
"the guy who stays can be worse than the one who leaves"
Love that! Too true sometimes!
Perhaps you mean: looking Ric over
Hilarious story! Excellent dialogue. I can totally see Bad Boy Ric, as I imagine Jennifer will soon.
Sol
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
|
"the guy who stays can be worse than the one who leaves"
Love that! Too true sometimes!
Perhaps you mean: looking Ric over
Hilarious story! Excellent dialogue. I can totally see Bad Boy Ric, as I imagine Jennifer will soon.
Sol
Comment Written 27-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
-
Sol, thank you for the six stars! I am delighted you are enjoying the story. There are two more installments, one on Sunday and the last one early next week. Thank you for the suggested edit, I will look at that. Terry.
Comment from Douglas Goff
This is great and very interesting. You are skilled at writing good dialogue.
Such a great line:
Ric never sought enlightenment for being so superficial. Some things worked better for him than others.
Also is the "with" a typo in the following sentence:
Okay, coming right up, one chicken with, and a cold Coors."
Also:
Ric stands up, "I'm going out to my car and get some tickets.
(Doesn't flow well unless you switch the "and" to "to")
Unless he just speaks poor English.
I like this and am going to try to follow further additions.
Nice work author!
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
|
This is great and very interesting. You are skilled at writing good dialogue.
Such a great line:
Ric never sought enlightenment for being so superficial. Some things worked better for him than others.
Also is the "with" a typo in the following sentence:
Okay, coming right up, one chicken with, and a cold Coors."
Also:
Ric stands up, "I'm going out to my car and get some tickets.
(Doesn't flow well unless you switch the "and" to "to")
Unless he just speaks poor English.
I like this and am going to try to follow further additions.
Nice work author!
Comment Written 27-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
-
Douglas, thank you for reading and your very kind review. There are two installments. The next one will be posted Sunday and the final early next week.
Your questions: "one chicken with" is a shorthand expression for the waitstaff. Ric had two options, Chicken sandwich with curly fries or without.
You raise a good point on the question, I will take a look at it. Thank you, Terry.
-
Thanks. So very good!
Comment from Judy Lawless
This was another fun story to read, Terry. The idle chit-chat and flirting is very natural for the setting. Ric is the only one I could visualize though. Lol
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
|
This was another fun story to read, Terry. The idle chit-chat and flirting is very natural for the setting. Ric is the only one I could visualize though. Lol
Comment Written 26-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
-
LOL, thank you for reading and for your review. There are two more installments. I think you will visualize someone else in the next installment which should be posted Sunday. Terry.
Comment from Mary Vigasin
An interesting chapter. I have to say Jennifer labeling Ric as a bad boy right away is not too far off the mark. An experienced bartender or waitress can easily know what kind of person she is dealing with. Here you put the reader directly in the story. This was an enjoyable read.
Best wishes and regards,
Mary
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
|
An interesting chapter. I have to say Jennifer labeling Ric as a bad boy right away is not too far off the mark. An experienced bartender or waitress can easily know what kind of person she is dealing with. Here you put the reader directly in the story. This was an enjoyable read.
Best wishes and regards,
Mary
Comment Written 26-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
-
Mary, thank you for your wonderful and insightful review. There will be two more installments. One will be Sunday and the last one the first of next week. I hope you get a chance to read them. Terry.
Comment from lavendermoon14
The dialogue here was the real star of the show. It felt easy-going while capturing the nature of the characters. I also like the set-up here, providing enough background to all of the characters to pique interest while not so much to where it feels like a biography. Excellent job!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
|
The dialogue here was the real star of the show. It felt easy-going while capturing the nature of the characters. I also like the set-up here, providing enough background to all of the characters to pique interest while not so much to where it feels like a biography. Excellent job!
Comment Written 26-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
-
Rachel, thank you for the wonderful review! There are two more installments, I hope you get a chance to read them starting Sunday. Terry.
