Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "The Overlord"A sci-fi thriller!
2 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
Wow! I sure didn't see all that coming. The lone Quid and the whole symbiotic bit is fantastic! I had to read most of it twice because the first time I was too focused on the writing and had to ensure that I got the whole plot.So Mr. Quid is going to have Quid, Jr. impregnate his own mother to continue the species. Double wow! And Mr. Quid's artwork is nothing more than more overseers to do his dirty work and set up more Namuh planets, etc. i sure can't wait to see what comes next. I'm sure Daniel has a trick or two left.
You could put the "mind speech" in a sans serif typeface (like Helvetica) if you want to have Daniel think in italics.
Writing notes follow.
Sue
design with various sizes of hexagons actoss -- typo ==> across
The only other objects in the room were the Overlord sitting at a console in the center of the room. His chair was black and looked somewhat spongy. The console was flat, and had no screens on it. Just hundreds of tiny, unmarked buttons. -- the Overlord isn't an object; might want to rework this
looking at one of the "greys" that people often claim to -- in American English "gray" is preferred.
Supposedly this Sardu was a relative of his from thousands of years ago. -- more like millions, given the number of generations of planets?
The hole room was screens. -- typo ==> whole
then remembering that she had just been on vacation before his "awakening". -- knuckle rap ==> "awakening."
How could he have forgot that? ==> have forgotten
"With certainty, yet different breeds on each world. -- breeds doesn't seem right; species doesn't either; would the alien say "types"?
"Yet you "expend" millions of namuh people with each -- use single quotation marks for quotes inside quotes
"Do you "expend" everyone who is left?" -- as above
I saw what's inside of your overseer suits. Robots -- missing opening "
"Yet, you still say 'we'?", Daniel continued his line of questioning. -- What is this punctuation? Test the editor? :-) Delete comma.
Second read through:
your planet, Namuh 12,973, or earth as you named ==> Earth
"Namuh is the reverse of your word 'human'. ==> human.' (Periods and commas always go inside quotes.)
then tentacled a few buttons on the console -- love how you used "tentacled"
To impregnate her so that you could send my unborn child to a new earth . . . or, namuh?" he asked. -- cap Earth and Namuh
"Nine?" Daniel was nearly speechless, staring at the ten women, nine of which he had no memory of. ==> of whom
I will train him to continue the symbiotic relationship with namuh, ==> Namuh (Not sure if I caught all of these. If Quid is capped, Namuh should be as well.)
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2022
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Douglas,
Wow! I sure didn't see all that coming. The lone Quid and the whole symbiotic bit is fantastic! I had to read most of it twice because the first time I was too focused on the writing and had to ensure that I got the whole plot.So Mr. Quid is going to have Quid, Jr. impregnate his own mother to continue the species. Double wow! And Mr. Quid's artwork is nothing more than more overseers to do his dirty work and set up more Namuh planets, etc. i sure can't wait to see what comes next. I'm sure Daniel has a trick or two left.
You could put the "mind speech" in a sans serif typeface (like Helvetica) if you want to have Daniel think in italics.
Writing notes follow.
Sue
design with various sizes of hexagons actoss -- typo ==> across
The only other objects in the room were the Overlord sitting at a console in the center of the room. His chair was black and looked somewhat spongy. The console was flat, and had no screens on it. Just hundreds of tiny, unmarked buttons. -- the Overlord isn't an object; might want to rework this
looking at one of the "greys" that people often claim to -- in American English "gray" is preferred.
Supposedly this Sardu was a relative of his from thousands of years ago. -- more like millions, given the number of generations of planets?
The hole room was screens. -- typo ==> whole
then remembering that she had just been on vacation before his "awakening". -- knuckle rap ==> "awakening."
How could he have forgot that? ==> have forgotten
"With certainty, yet different breeds on each world. -- breeds doesn't seem right; species doesn't either; would the alien say "types"?
"Yet you "expend" millions of namuh people with each -- use single quotation marks for quotes inside quotes
"Do you "expend" everyone who is left?" -- as above
I saw what's inside of your overseer suits. Robots -- missing opening "
"Yet, you still say 'we'?", Daniel continued his line of questioning. -- What is this punctuation? Test the editor? :-) Delete comma.
Second read through:
your planet, Namuh 12,973, or earth as you named ==> Earth
"Namuh is the reverse of your word 'human'. ==> human.' (Periods and commas always go inside quotes.)
then tentacled a few buttons on the console -- love how you used "tentacled"
To impregnate her so that you could send my unborn child to a new earth . . . or, namuh?" he asked. -- cap Earth and Namuh
"Nine?" Daniel was nearly speechless, staring at the ten women, nine of which he had no memory of. ==> of whom
I will train him to continue the symbiotic relationship with namuh, ==> Namuh (Not sure if I caught all of these. If Quid is capped, Namuh should be as well.)
Comment Written 17-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2022
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Yes, definitely quite the reveal! I stifled my idiot side and hit a homer with the "gray" aspect and the Quids Zohr and Namuh. I think it really tied it up nicely.
I also used your idea for the alien voice. I think it worked out good.
So you don?t think that Daniel is going to turn everyone over so he can mate? How un-Quidish of you. Two conclusion chapters left.
Thanks for covering my six wingwoman.
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I am not a Quid. I am not a Quid. I am Namuh. Namuh don't betray other Namuh.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Douglas, I shouldn't even be writing this. But every time I've wanted to read, it paid nothing. Now I see why. Every chapter is far too long for this site and it's promoted for far too short a time. We all have to read a lot to make up phoney dollars to promote our work. I'm sorry. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2022
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Hi Douglas, I shouldn't even be writing this. But every time I've wanted to read, it paid nothing. Now I see why. Every chapter is far too long for this site and it's promoted for far too short a time. We all have to read a lot to make up phoney dollars to promote our work. I'm sorry. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 16-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2022
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Ulla,
You are one of my favorite people on here. Your writing is magically. I?m not putting it lightly when I say that you are like a magical unicorn. That is why you are deservedly ranked so high. I am on the low end of the rankings. I am not on the top end of writers here and am more of a hairy grey goat. My goals don?t align with the site. Winning is fun, votes are fun, and reviews are fun, but I?m just here to write. I have written several short stories and poems. Skip my novel if it?s too long. When I am hustling site bucks I just blow through short stuff. I?m just putting my book on here for my writing coach to help me edit. But please don?t unfan me. I have read all of your stuff produced since I got on and adore you and appreciate you. Just skip my long stuff. I understand. No harm no foul. Thank you magical unicorn friend!
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Ulla,
You are one of my favorite people on here. Your writing is magically. I?m not putting it lightly when I say that you are like a magical unicorn. That is why you are deservedly ranked so high. I am on the low end of the rankings. I am not on the top end of writers here and am more of a hairy grey goat. My goals don?t align with the site. Winning is fun, votes are fun, and reviews are fun, but I?m just here to write. I have written several short stories and poems. Skip my novel if it?s too long. When I am hustling site bucks I just blow through short stuff. I?m just putting my book on here for my writing coach to help me edit. But please don?t unfan me. I have read all of your stuff produced since I got on and adore you and appreciate you. Just skip my long stuff. I understand. No harm no foul. Thank you magical unicorn friend!
