Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "The End Game"A sci-fi thriller!
2 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
This would have been a six for content, but for some of the glitches along the way. LOVE IT! Vacuum bomb indeed! See notes.
Sue
"Why not have his robots did up minerals that he needs." ==> dig up
Everyone headed off to prepare for their upcoming rolls ==> roles (Sarcastic remark: When's dinner?)
The four men headed out on horseback, right as the sun reached the middle of the sky, leading four saddled and empty horses with them. -- spare horses will travel better without saddles. The saddles can be transferred to the fresher horses.
The four horsemen --can't help but think of Revelation and Armageddon
They used the occasion, to switch out horses. -- comma not needed, interrupts sentence
There was a medical center on base, but more importantly, == almost universal error ==> important (adjective)
Air mobility units were used by the Air Force to transport supplies and personnel all over the world. -- no caps for air force unless referencing a base, like you did, or saying something specific like U.S. Air Force (like marines, army, navy)
pulled out access cards on lanyards, that probably hung around the victim's necks. ==> had hung (happened a step back in time)
Daniel came over and saw the survivalist digging through a pile of belongings in a driver eat of the car. ==> Daniel went (someone would "come" to him) --Fix this sentence!
Their commander led them to a series of non-distinct --nondescript?
"Runway Supply Building". The commander pulled out his .357 and shot the lock off. -- Periods always inside quotation marks! --Myth Busters proved padlocks couldn't be shot off. Your dead seeker has a pry bar.
Just behind the sliding doors was a large bunker, about twenty feet high, mounted with a steel door with a scan pad beside it. -- Need to rework. The door was mounted (word choice), not the bunker. (I hope they weren't having sex. Eek!)
The remaining three men entered the bunker.Daniel flipped a switch -- missing space before Daniel
Daniel walked past them all shelves to another fenced in area in the very back of the bunker. -- Whaaaat?
and then grabbed one marked 'TH-B662-04'. He --Periods inside quotes. Should be double quotes since this is in narration, not dialogue. Why blue text?
"Must have been one of the ranking officers "pet" projects," ==> 'pet'
They were hacking and gaging ==> gagging
All four men shook while the powerful weapons chewed through and spitting out the belt fed rounds. --Sentence needs work, and ==> belt-fed
"Can't help but feel that we're the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, carrying that thing around," Hambone solemnly stated. --LOL
These man pads were known as air-to-air rockets -- I'm not familiar with the term "man pads."
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2022
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Douglas,
This would have been a six for content, but for some of the glitches along the way. LOVE IT! Vacuum bomb indeed! See notes.
Sue
"Why not have his robots did up minerals that he needs." ==> dig up
Everyone headed off to prepare for their upcoming rolls ==> roles (Sarcastic remark: When's dinner?)
The four men headed out on horseback, right as the sun reached the middle of the sky, leading four saddled and empty horses with them. -- spare horses will travel better without saddles. The saddles can be transferred to the fresher horses.
The four horsemen --can't help but think of Revelation and Armageddon
They used the occasion, to switch out horses. -- comma not needed, interrupts sentence
There was a medical center on base, but more importantly, == almost universal error ==> important (adjective)
Air mobility units were used by the Air Force to transport supplies and personnel all over the world. -- no caps for air force unless referencing a base, like you did, or saying something specific like U.S. Air Force (like marines, army, navy)
pulled out access cards on lanyards, that probably hung around the victim's necks. ==> had hung (happened a step back in time)
Daniel came over and saw the survivalist digging through a pile of belongings in a driver eat of the car. ==> Daniel went (someone would "come" to him) --Fix this sentence!
Their commander led them to a series of non-distinct --nondescript?
"Runway Supply Building". The commander pulled out his .357 and shot the lock off. -- Periods always inside quotation marks! --Myth Busters proved padlocks couldn't be shot off. Your dead seeker has a pry bar.
Just behind the sliding doors was a large bunker, about twenty feet high, mounted with a steel door with a scan pad beside it. -- Need to rework. The door was mounted (word choice), not the bunker. (I hope they weren't having sex. Eek!)
The remaining three men entered the bunker.Daniel flipped a switch -- missing space before Daniel
Daniel walked past them all shelves to another fenced in area in the very back of the bunker. -- Whaaaat?
and then grabbed one marked 'TH-B662-04'. He --Periods inside quotes. Should be double quotes since this is in narration, not dialogue. Why blue text?
"Must have been one of the ranking officers "pet" projects," ==> 'pet'
They were hacking and gaging ==> gagging
All four men shook while the powerful weapons chewed through and spitting out the belt fed rounds. --Sentence needs work, and ==> belt-fed
"Can't help but feel that we're the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, carrying that thing around," Hambone solemnly stated. --LOL
These man pads were known as air-to-air rockets -- I'm not familiar with the term "man pads."
Comment Written 18-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2022
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Geez, I'm reverting back to some dumb mistakes . . . light not dawing on my marble head.
Good news is 6 star for content is way better than for grammar as grammar can be fixed!
Thanks again wing woman! Are we ready to finish this thing?
PS I worked in your Armageddon of Revelations,
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I'm ready for Quid to get what he deserves. A little reverse symbiosis!
Comment from Ricky1024
This read well with but two small Grammar Issues.
Otherwise, rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well, great Descriptive Measures.
Doctor Ricky
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2022
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This read well with but two small Grammar Issues.
Otherwise, rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well, great Descriptive Measures.
Doctor Ricky
Comment Written 18-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2022
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Thanks Sir!
