Heart Crafted Poems - 2022
Viewing comments for Chapter 84 "Misty Meadow"Musings of an old man - 2022
28 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
I liked the message to give laud to the brave farmhand! And I also appreciate how this poem comes from your experiences both working on the land and also in your military service.
In these lines the iambic beats were done perfectly:
"Afield, inert young men whose souls get wings.
Bring peace and calm to those who fought so hard" and
"We start ! As mist gives up its clutch on land
We must lay claim to them! The brave farmhand!"
But the opening lines
The mist holds so low over the clover
Maybe: The MIST so LOW, its HOLD upON the CLOver
not bright - the rays of the new rise of Sol.
Maybe: not BRIGHT the RAYS of RISing NEWborn Sol
and one spelling "For what wives cry! Nobel estates of king's?" (Noble)
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2022
  |
I liked the message to give laud to the brave farmhand! And I also appreciate how this poem comes from your experiences both working on the land and also in your military service.
In these lines the iambic beats were done perfectly:
"Afield, inert young men whose souls get wings.
Bring peace and calm to those who fought so hard" and
"We start ! As mist gives up its clutch on land
We must lay claim to them! The brave farmhand!"
But the opening lines
The mist holds so low over the clover
Maybe: The MIST so LOW, its HOLD upON the CLOver
not bright - the rays of the new rise of Sol.
Maybe: not BRIGHT the RAYS of RISing NEWborn Sol
and one spelling "For what wives cry! Nobel estates of king's?" (Noble)
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2022
-
I value your learned input everytime, Thank you, Jim
Comment from RodG
Your sonnet seems to be narrating an ancient tale of warfare in Gaul where so many young lives are lost and not much is gained.
I like how you set the scene in the first stanza, focusing on the misty field of battle and all the strewn weapons in the aftermath.
I am not sure if you're trying to imitate the early language of a Bard, but such words as ACERB and VENDANGE only confuse me.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
 |
Your sonnet seems to be narrating an ancient tale of warfare in Gaul where so many young lives are lost and not much is gained.
I like how you set the scene in the first stanza, focusing on the misty field of battle and all the strewn weapons in the aftermath.
I am not sure if you're trying to imitate the early language of a Bard, but such words as ACERB and VENDANGE only confuse me.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
-
Thanks Rod, I should have offered definitions which I have now applied
Comment from susand3022
Hi J, I'm finding this to be truly amazing. This Misty Morning of yours has been painted very well, and so clearly that I can see it as I read it.
I will say, though, that the 6th line I did find a bit confusing. I didn't really understand it. It felt out of place... perhaps rewording to make your meaning clearer? The only other thing I would suggest, and I do hate when people take this too far, would be to do the Shakespearian thing and drop a definition in your notes for the word, "vendange" as it's not part of the everyday vocabulary and lots of people won't bother to look it up, but more will read notes... at least I hope so!
Anyway, totally brilliant! I can't write those things... I don't even try anymore! Mad props! :)
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
 |
Hi J, I'm finding this to be truly amazing. This Misty Morning of yours has been painted very well, and so clearly that I can see it as I read it.
I will say, though, that the 6th line I did find a bit confusing. I didn't really understand it. It felt out of place... perhaps rewording to make your meaning clearer? The only other thing I would suggest, and I do hate when people take this too far, would be to do the Shakespearian thing and drop a definition in your notes for the word, "vendange" as it's not part of the everyday vocabulary and lots of people won't bother to look it up, but more will read notes... at least I hope so!
Anyway, totally brilliant! I can't write those things... I don't even try anymore! Mad props! :)
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
-
Susan, you beat me, I did offer definitions and do thank you so much!
-
You did? Did I miss it?? Blind now too no doubt! lol
Comment from Liz Westfall
This was an excellent poem. I like the picture you chose for this. It definitely set the scene. I wasn't expecting the theme, but it was a great story with a lot of emotion and imagery.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
|
This was an excellent poem. I like the picture you chose for this. It definitely set the scene. I wasn't expecting the theme, but it was a great story with a lot of emotion and imagery.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
-
Thank you for your comments.
Comment from irishauthorme
So many nuances here, I do not have room here to denote them all!
Had to look up 'vendange (Just a HS education),' and then was able to understand the meaning of the verses.
I was puzzled by the last two words in the fourth line, "or Gaul's." Thought the verse was describing a medieval battlefield?
Great line; "Afield, inert young man whose souls get wings."
I am not a poet, per se, but appreciate thoughtful, intelligent work.
irish
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
|
So many nuances here, I do not have room here to denote them all!
Had to look up 'vendange (Just a HS education),' and then was able to understand the meaning of the verses.
I was puzzled by the last two words in the fourth line, "or Gaul's." Thought the verse was describing a medieval battlefield?
Great line; "Afield, inert young man whose souls get wings."
I am not a poet, per se, but appreciate thoughtful, intelligent work.
irish
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
-
Irish, Thank you.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Your first line has a feminine ending and so should be 11 syllables to keep the metre, the same goes for the third line to match. The second and fourth line could be 9 syllables, but that's up to you.
You have written other poems in perfect metre before, but the distinctive iambic pentameter is missing here? Suggestion for the first verse to fix the metre:
The mist (can) hold so low over the clover
not bright - the rays of new and (rising) Sol.
Acerb the air; unploughed (the) land all over.
Unseen, chain mail, swords, spears, and shields or Gaul's.
Love Dolly x
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
|
Your first line has a feminine ending and so should be 11 syllables to keep the metre, the same goes for the third line to match. The second and fourth line could be 9 syllables, but that's up to you.
You have written other poems in perfect metre before, but the distinctive iambic pentameter is missing here? Suggestion for the first verse to fix the metre:
The mist (can) hold so low over the clover
not bright - the rays of new and (rising) Sol.
Acerb the air; unploughed (the) land all over.
Unseen, chain mail, swords, spears, and shields or Gaul's.
Love Dolly x
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
-
Dolly, thank you. I do so value the help.
Comment from royowen
I think as we write, we will improve, I can only witness from my own growth as a "poet" has been a little like that, and like a sportsmen or artificer applies and improves their craft, the connection with that art becomes better. Beautifully written
Jim, blessings Roy
Typo : (Nobel estates of king's) noble estates of kings? Alfred Nobel was the donator of the science prizes.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
|
I think as we write, we will improve, I can only witness from my own growth as a "poet" has been a little like that, and like a sportsmen or artificer applies and improves their craft, the connection with that art becomes better. Beautifully written
Jim, blessings Roy
Typo : (Nobel estates of king's) noble estates of kings? Alfred Nobel was the donator of the science prizes.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
-
Ouch, of course the was a terrible spag... so I thank you for the support as a;ways, I am grateful beyond your imaginings. Jim
-
Most welcome Jim
Comment from Bill Schott
This sonnet, Misty Meadow, has the proper formatting and conjures up the days of yore when the lands were battled over and now hold the past beneath the cultivated rows.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
|
This sonnet, Misty Meadow, has the proper formatting and conjures up the days of yore when the lands were battled over and now hold the past beneath the cultivated rows.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
-
Thank you.
