A Horse Named Mule
Three women set out on a rescue mission.6 total reviews
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Fine story. Nicely told.
Flat River was definitely flat and definitely short a river. - What does 'short a river' mean?
back in though and get ready for to work. - needs a comma before and after 'though'.
at the merc' from Lefty. - What's a merc'?
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2022
  |
Fine story. Nicely told.
Flat River was definitely flat and definitely short a river. - What does 'short a river' mean?
back in though and get ready for to work. - needs a comma before and after 'though'.
at the merc' from Lefty. - What's a merc'?
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2022
-
Hi Wayne, "merc'" is a shortened, slang term for mercantile. When you are short something it means that thing is absent. Like if you were short 10c of a dollar. So, Flat River didn't have a river... or, at least, not a close enough one. Kind of a joke on my part. Thanks very much for your review! I'll see about the comma, too.
-
I would have spelled out mercantile the first time, and used merc' thereafter, at least in narrative.
Comment from Douglas Goff
My goodness this is long. Fortunately it is very interesting.
Couple of things:
other Pete, too. OK? Half-wit that he is." she said with
(that he is," she said)
"Dead," she said, tear-soaked face looking down at her feet, "He'd said be to get me in late fall, but I guess not now."
(at her feet." He'd said)
(Last sentence in this paragraph doesn't make sense. Missing a word?)
Shaft collapse, I reckon," she said, "Got him, and his
(she said." Got him)
Rachel said as tears fell from her eyes, "The men folk at the merc' ate Lefty's
(her eyes. "The men)
horses were tethered to the hitching post, "Bet those miners are soaking pretty
(hitching post. "Bet those)
"Can't think of two finer women to hang with than you two." I said.
(You two," I said.)
"Let's dismount." I said. "We need to conserve whatever the horses have left in case..."
("Let's dismount," I said. "We need to)
"Do you miss Mr. Clay?" she asked.
"Every second of every day." I said as I pulled on my gloves to go to my
(Need a paragraph break between the two dialogues)
(Every day," I said as)
This is a good story. With a few minor editing issues, it will be a great one!
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2022
|
My goodness this is long. Fortunately it is very interesting.
Couple of things:
other Pete, too. OK? Half-wit that he is." she said with
(that he is," she said)
"Dead," she said, tear-soaked face looking down at her feet, "He'd said be to get me in late fall, but I guess not now."
(at her feet." He'd said)
(Last sentence in this paragraph doesn't make sense. Missing a word?)
Shaft collapse, I reckon," she said, "Got him, and his
(she said." Got him)
Rachel said as tears fell from her eyes, "The men folk at the merc' ate Lefty's
(her eyes. "The men)
horses were tethered to the hitching post, "Bet those miners are soaking pretty
(hitching post. "Bet those)
"Can't think of two finer women to hang with than you two." I said.
(You two," I said.)
"Let's dismount." I said. "We need to conserve whatever the horses have left in case..."
("Let's dismount," I said. "We need to)
"Do you miss Mr. Clay?" she asked.
"Every second of every day." I said as I pulled on my gloves to go to my
(Need a paragraph break between the two dialogues)
(Every day," I said as)
This is a good story. With a few minor editing issues, it will be a great one!
Comment Written 21-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2022
-
Thanks so much for the review. I did go in and make the edits you noted - very much appreciated. I have the worst time editing. Because I just don't see the errors when I review. I know the words and it makes me blind.
I am glad you liked it! It was a fun write. Really, I didn't want to do it. I challenged myself to try to write a western, which was a first. After the first two paragraphs fell out, it just kept going. Sorry for the length. :)
-
I like to help great writers with great stories!
-
Is it akin to proselytizing if one asks another to take a look at a work for them? If so, disregard. If not, I'd really appreciate your thoughts on Grim if you have time and dont care to read a little. I've got 3 chapters up now. 2 and 3 still need some editing I think, but they are mostly where I want them. I've written 24 chapters so I'm in this critical phase I think where I need to know some opinions in case major tweaking is in order. Thanks either way! I'll throw some luckys on there or something if I haven't already.
Thanks,
Tara
Comment from J.M. Johnson
I love the descriptions of the town and the desert. You really feel the hopelessness of the women, forced to sell themselves in order to live. Unfortunately this was often the case for women left alone. They could be the school marm, or a whore. I'm glad these women found a good life.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
|
I love the descriptions of the town and the desert. You really feel the hopelessness of the women, forced to sell themselves in order to live. Unfortunately this was often the case for women left alone. They could be the school marm, or a whore. I'm glad these women found a good life.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
-
You know the thing was that I'd thought about taking a deep dive in to the whole topic of conditionally forced prostitution in the Old West, but as I sketched out my ladies, I never heard them whine about life being unfair or hard. Actually all three were made of the kind of stuff we so rarely see these days. I hope you enjoyed your read and thank you very much for your comments and time!
Comment from prettybluebirds
Westerns are not my favorite read, but this is so well executed that I enjoyed it immensely. It is clever and creative. I can see where you had some fun writing this. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
 |
Westerns are not my favorite read, but this is so well executed that I enjoyed it immensely. It is clever and creative. I can see where you had some fun writing this. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
-
Hello Blue! I love it when you review my work! While I was raised in a family where westerns were sacred and married into me of the same, I must admit to having quite a bit of fodder rolling around in my head. I wrote the first page, scrapped half, and then it went well. I'm really glad you liked it. That was the goal on this. I wasnt going for profound meaning, or an attempt to change the world, or applying skill or technique. I just hoped it would be interesting and fun enough to entertain. It felt so good to write it. I may expand on it sometime in the future. We'll see. Thanks again!!!
Comment from pome lover
Well, this sounded like a true blue western. Good plot and good story tellin'. I imagine lots of Texans and other western states' population descended from less than high class women folk who eventually turned out to be pillars of society. :)
Your story sounded like it really was a part of history. good going.
Katharine
Okay, reread it and it's very good - lots of good facts in it as well as good dialogue. The only place I think that needs fixing is the paragraph that begins, Rachael and I had been widowed...at the end of that paragraph, what had given way? That wasn't clear to me.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
|
Well, this sounded like a true blue western. Good plot and good story tellin'. I imagine lots of Texans and other western states' population descended from less than high class women folk who eventually turned out to be pillars of society. :)
Your story sounded like it really was a part of history. good going.
Katharine
Okay, reread it and it's very good - lots of good facts in it as well as good dialogue. The only place I think that needs fixing is the paragraph that begins, Rachael and I had been widowed...at the end of that paragraph, what had given way? That wasn't clear to me.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
-
Hi Katharine, thanks so much for your review. While you were reading, I believe I was making final edits (forgot I wasn't in preview.) I think I rounded it out a bit better. If possible, would you care to take another quick look for me? If not, no problem. Thanks very much for reading the first time and your sweet review!
-
Okay, reread it and it's very good - lots of good facts in it as well as good dialogue. The only place I think that needs fixing is the paragraph that begins, Rachael and I had been widowed...at the end of that paragraph, what had given way? That wasn't clear to me.
Comment from lancellot
Well that was a story within a story, and for the ladies, and the men it was a happy ending. Marriage, and wealth, what more could they ask for.
I think you have a good story, where good triumphed over evil.
I wish you good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
|
Well that was a story within a story, and for the ladies, and the men it was a happy ending. Marriage, and wealth, what more could they ask for.
I think you have a good story, where good triumphed over evil.
I wish you good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
-
As you read it, I thought I was still in preview for some reason and made some fairly substantial efforts in editing that you missed. Would you care to take another look and see if you find it much improved... or not? Just if you have time and don't care to do so - it would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks again
Tara
