That's How It's Done In The West
A cattle drive goes bad2 total reviews
Comment from nor84
generally a good story, but I do have some suggested changes for you.
When you write dialogue, speech tag is part of the sentence. Here's an example. You wrote "Yeah, but yall are leavin' with some of our property." Neal responded but the correct construction would be: "Yeah, but yall are leavin' with some of our property," Neal responded.
I saw this a few times. You need to use a comma at the end of the sentence followed by the speech tag as shown above.
another suggestion is the choice of the name Raymond. It's more likely he would be known as Ray. Raymond seems too formal for a character in the old West. Also, try not to start paragraphs with the main character's name as the first word in the sentence. It's okay to do it rarely, but it does tend to stand out and can become distracting to readers. There are many instances of using "Raymond" as the first word in a paragraph.
This review was meant to be helpful, but if you don't agree that's perfectly fine.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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generally a good story, but I do have some suggested changes for you.
When you write dialogue, speech tag is part of the sentence. Here's an example. You wrote "Yeah, but yall are leavin' with some of our property." Neal responded but the correct construction would be: "Yeah, but yall are leavin' with some of our property," Neal responded.
I saw this a few times. You need to use a comma at the end of the sentence followed by the speech tag as shown above.
another suggestion is the choice of the name Raymond. It's more likely he would be known as Ray. Raymond seems too formal for a character in the old West. Also, try not to start paragraphs with the main character's name as the first word in the sentence. It's okay to do it rarely, but it does tend to stand out and can become distracting to readers. There are many instances of using "Raymond" as the first word in a paragraph.
This review was meant to be helpful, but if you don't agree that's perfectly fine.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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I thank you very much for taking the time to read my story and to review. I do seriously appreciate the suggestions, and I will definitely see what I can do about improving the story.
Comment from lancellot
This was a well crafted modern western. I think by it being current, it will be set apart from the rest. Good idea.
notes:
He loaded his pockets with the usual crap {â?"} wallet, keys, change, a few one dollar bills.
- remove
"Mind if we have a bit of yall's grub {â?"} friends?"
- remove
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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This was a well crafted modern western. I think by it being current, it will be set apart from the rest. Good idea.
notes:
He loaded his pockets with the usual crap {â?"} wallet, keys, change, a few one dollar bills.
- remove
"Mind if we have a bit of yall's grub {â?"} friends?"
- remove
Comment Written 26-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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Thank you so much for reading my story and for the kind words. You are appreciated.
