California Bound
A tale about first wagon train to California17 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
This felt like historical fiction from the start and I know you did your research to make this real life drama unfold. I liked how you developed the struggle to keep loving as the couple struggled to stay alive. Best wishes in the contest!
Comments:
She despised the man. "He ain't got no business callin' himself captain," Ben claimed. (maybe make this an indirect quote because this was what she was remembering that Ben said.
"Cal'forny, Ben?" "Yes! Yes!" yelped Bidwell. (Bidwell's quote should be in a separate paragraph)
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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This felt like historical fiction from the start and I know you did your research to make this real life drama unfold. I liked how you developed the struggle to keep loving as the couple struggled to stay alive. Best wishes in the contest!
Comments:
She despised the man. "He ain't got no business callin' himself captain," Ben claimed. (maybe make this an indirect quote because this was what she was remembering that Ben said.
"Cal'forny, Ben?" "Yes! Yes!" yelped Bidwell. (Bidwell's quote should be in a separate paragraph)
Comment Written 29-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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Thank you so much, lyenochka, for taking the time to read this lengthy story AND make suggestions. I heeded your advice and made the corrections. Rod
Comment from Thomas Blanks
1) I don't think this story needs to be 5,154 words long for the limited plot. Especially on FanStory, stories that are 5,000 words are often avoided by reviewers.
2) There is a lot of redundant hand-wringing by the two main protagonists about how they are about to die of cold and starvation. Something is off. All they have is broth made from boiling the bone from a horse, and there is only enough of that for the sick husband--the baby does without. The wife/mother has no milk for the baby, who is thin and hungry. You spent a lot of time showing (not telling) us how bad off the characters were. Very well done, but things were not as bad as we were led to believe. Suddenly, the man is up again, leading the group, and his wife walks bare-footed the rest of the way to California. They are not lost; they are there. Huh? They went from the Donner Party to Lewis and Clark pretty fast.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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1) I don't think this story needs to be 5,154 words long for the limited plot. Especially on FanStory, stories that are 5,000 words are often avoided by reviewers.
2) There is a lot of redundant hand-wringing by the two main protagonists about how they are about to die of cold and starvation. Something is off. All they have is broth made from boiling the bone from a horse, and there is only enough of that for the sick husband--the baby does without. The wife/mother has no milk for the baby, who is thin and hungry. You spent a lot of time showing (not telling) us how bad off the characters were. Very well done, but things were not as bad as we were led to believe. Suddenly, the man is up again, leading the group, and his wife walks bare-footed the rest of the way to California. They are not lost; they are there. Huh? They went from the Donner Party to Lewis and Clark pretty fast.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Thank you very much, Thomas, for taking the time to both read and comment in depth on this long story. The story may sound far-fetched, but it is based on factual accounts. Only the dialog was invented. Rod
Comment from Mary Shifman
This is a fascinating account of an historical event. I hung on every word and (since the names were unknown to me) I worried that they wouldn't make it to California. You dialogue sounds authentic and your characters behave in a believable manner. Well done! Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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This is a fascinating account of an historical event. I hung on every word and (since the names were unknown to me) I worried that they wouldn't make it to California. You dialogue sounds authentic and your characters behave in a believable manner. Well done! Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Thank you so much, Mary, for your wonderful praise of my story and those six bright stars. I am especially pleased you hung on every word. Rod
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You are welcome. It's a great story!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nicely written. Good work. Nice story, even if somewhat incredible in that you had them too weakened to accomplish the remaining travails.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Nicely written. Good work. Nice story, even if somewhat incredible in that you had them too weakened to accomplish the remaining travails.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Wayne, for reading my lengthy story and your kind praise. Rod
Comment from nor84
The dialogue is good and the scenes are convincing, but you might want to count how many times 'Nancy' is used and reword some sentences or use a pronoun, since there's only two people.
I believe this contest pays cash to the winner, and you will be competing against some of the best writers on the site. I know. I've won site contests a few times. Keep the story, keep the drama, but move the narrative part at the end to Author Notes because that's where it belongs. Keep the story strong, beginning, middle and end. But it does have to have an ending scene.
This review is meant to be helpful. If it isn't, no problem. Good luck in the contest. Be sure to check the rules, in case there are word limits. Some contests have them.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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The dialogue is good and the scenes are convincing, but you might want to count how many times 'Nancy' is used and reword some sentences or use a pronoun, since there's only two people.
I believe this contest pays cash to the winner, and you will be competing against some of the best writers on the site. I know. I've won site contests a few times. Keep the story, keep the drama, but move the narrative part at the end to Author Notes because that's where it belongs. Keep the story strong, beginning, middle and end. But it does have to have an ending scene.
This review is meant to be helpful. If it isn't, no problem. Good luck in the contest. Be sure to check the rules, in case there are word limits. Some contests have them.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Thank you so much, nor84, for taking the time to both read and comment on my story. I am glad you like the dialog and find the scenes convincing. But I am confused as to what scene(s) you think should be saved in my Notes. Where do you think I should end the story? Rod
Comment from JoannaN
It was a good read. Your story has an echo of "The Grapes of Wrath" by Steinbeck in it. The language is a great touch, and it adds a lot to the scene.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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It was a good read. Your story has an echo of "The Grapes of Wrath" by Steinbeck in it. The language is a great touch, and it adds a lot to the scene.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Thank you so much, Joanne, for taking the time to read this long story. I truly appreciate the comparison to Steinbeck as he has long been one of my favorite writers.
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You're welcome :)
Comment from Theodore McDowell
A beautifully crafted story with excellent dialogue. Despite the length, you had me hooked for the entire story. Well done. Great story for the contest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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A beautifully crafted story with excellent dialogue. Despite the length, you had me hooked for the entire story. Well done. Great story for the contest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Theodore, thank you so much for your marvelous response to my LONG story. I am delighted it kept your interest throughout, And those six bright stars are much appreciated. Rod
