Black Christmas
Josh's story16 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
That was a mini-novel, I guess. I see the devil in his Satan suit to be a bit of a red herring here, but the story provides the ups and downs of a couple of lifetimes. Quaint.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2022
  |
That was a mini-novel, I guess. I see the devil in his Satan suit to be a bit of a red herring here, but the story provides the ups and downs of a couple of lifetimes. Quaint.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2022
-
Thanks for reading, Bill.
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Maria,
You sure know how to tell a story, but it's so sad. I guess it's good we can't see far into the future. I hope that somehow Josh & Beatrice (and Lisa & Amos, too) found each other in the afterlife, remaining friends forever. I guess many people in the town hoped for that outcome, or it wouldn't be a legend.
Another reason that the legend came to be... many of the weddings, births and deaths seemed to happen right around Christmastime. Peculiar, eh? But these are the "recipes for a legend".
A few suggestions to ponder...
"Two months after her mother's passing, Lisa found herself standing by her father's grave next to her sister." ... ( I Suggest,
Two months after her mother's passing, Lisa found herself standing next to her sister by their father's grave.)
"It was the buzz of gossiping." ... ( I suggest,
It was the buzz of gossip.)
'What has she seen in him?' ... ( I suggest,
'What does she seen in him?)
"They kept on meeting in the town and, as they became better acquainted with each other. their conversations became longer." ...(a comma should follow "other", not a period)
"There were clothes and trinkets that had belonged to his beloved wife everywhere and he couldn't stand it." ... ( I suggest,
His beloved wife's clothes and trinkets were everywhere, constant reminders that she was gone. He couldn't stand it.)
Good Luck in the contest!
Hugs,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2022
|
Hi Maria,
You sure know how to tell a story, but it's so sad. I guess it's good we can't see far into the future. I hope that somehow Josh & Beatrice (and Lisa & Amos, too) found each other in the afterlife, remaining friends forever. I guess many people in the town hoped for that outcome, or it wouldn't be a legend.
Another reason that the legend came to be... many of the weddings, births and deaths seemed to happen right around Christmastime. Peculiar, eh? But these are the "recipes for a legend".
A few suggestions to ponder...
"Two months after her mother's passing, Lisa found herself standing by her father's grave next to her sister." ... ( I Suggest,
Two months after her mother's passing, Lisa found herself standing next to her sister by their father's grave.)
"It was the buzz of gossiping." ... ( I suggest,
It was the buzz of gossip.)
'What has she seen in him?' ... ( I suggest,
'What does she seen in him?)
"They kept on meeting in the town and, as they became better acquainted with each other. their conversations became longer." ...(a comma should follow "other", not a period)
"There were clothes and trinkets that had belonged to his beloved wife everywhere and he couldn't stand it." ... ( I suggest,
His beloved wife's clothes and trinkets were everywhere, constant reminders that she was gone. He couldn't stand it.)
Good Luck in the contest!
Hugs,
Kimbob
Comment Written 29-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2022
-
Thanks so much for all these suggestions. I think they?re all great and will change everything asap.
-
You're most welcome, Maria! I hope you have a fabulous day. I'm up early...it's just 6:13am here. One of the cats woke me up an hour ago, barfing on the floor. I had to get up and clean it before my wife stepped in it. But then I couldn't get back to sleep. So, next stop... the computer, and Fanstory! LOL.
Hugs,
Kimbob
-
Wow! That's very early. It's 11:22 here. I've made all the changes you suggested, now I'm going to do the same with the poem. Thanks.
-
My pleasure, Maria!
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Wow, this is quite a Christmas story, Heather. I loved it, loved following the generations starting with Lisa. Though your story hasn't a happy ending, like the movies I have been binging on, it is full of poignant moments. Loved it. Good luck in the contest.
Valda
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
 |
Wow, this is quite a Christmas story, Heather. I loved it, loved following the generations starting with Lisa. Though your story hasn't a happy ending, like the movies I have been binging on, it is full of poignant moments. Loved it. Good luck in the contest.
Valda
Comment Written 27-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
-
Hi Valda,
You are always very kind.
Thanks so much for your review and for the extra star.
Comment from Wendy G
A well told story for the contest. One could almost see it as a film, a tragedy continuing through the generations. So sad for Josh to lose both wife and child after all. Best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
|
A well told story for the contest. One could almost see it as a film, a tragedy continuing through the generations. So sad for Josh to lose both wife and child after all. Best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 27-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
-
Thanks for your review, Wendy.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Heather,
I like your story, it's interesting and engaging but sad too. Lisa's nightmare sounds bad but not as bad as it could have been....poor Josh.
Well done, my friend.
Gypsy Blue Rose
"The poet waits quietly to paint the unsaid." Atticus
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
|
Hello, Heather,
I like your story, it's interesting and engaging but sad too. Lisa's nightmare sounds bad but not as bad as it could have been....poor Josh.
Well done, my friend.
Gypsy Blue Rose
"The poet waits quietly to paint the unsaid." Atticus
Comment Written 26-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
-
Thanks so much for reading my story, Marival.x
Comment from Shirley McLain
That is a heart rendering story, but that is the way life goes sometimes. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, and I wish you and yours a Happy New Year. Shirley
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
|
That is a heart rendering story, but that is the way life goes sometimes. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, and I wish you and yours a Happy New Year. Shirley
Comment Written 26-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
-
Thanks for reading, Shirley.
Happy New Year to you too.
Comment from lyenochka
That's an intriguing story. With Lisa's nightmare, I was prepared for something much worse for Josh but it seems he had a tormented life and was doomed to have a very sad life after a very brief moment of happiness.
Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
|
That's an intriguing story. With Lisa's nightmare, I was prepared for something much worse for Josh but it seems he had a tormented life and was doomed to have a very sad life after a very brief moment of happiness.
Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 26-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2022
-
Maybe the nightmare was a bit of an exaggeration...
Thanks for reading. xxx
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was such a sad, but lovely story, Heather. Your title brought me in, it's perfect. For that poor family to have suffered like the for all those years, is really sad. The ending where Josh, who had at last found love, losing both is wife and baby, was tragic. This was a really excellent story, different, and a fabulous contest entry. Well done and good luck!! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2022
|
That was such a sad, but lovely story, Heather. Your title brought me in, it's perfect. For that poor family to have suffered like the for all those years, is really sad. The ending where Josh, who had at last found love, losing both is wife and baby, was tragic. This was a really excellent story, different, and a fabulous contest entry. Well done and good luck!! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 26-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2022
-
Thanks so much for reading and for your kind review, Sandra. I hope you're having a lovely Christmas.x
-
Yes, I am, thank you! 😊 xx
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Hi Maria,
I found your take on Christmas very creative - it is certainly not always the best time of year for people, but your characters really had a hard time with the season.
I was a little confused by Lisa's dream of the devil, and the fact that she was never close to her son. I thought for sure Josh was going to turn out to be the devil himself!
I actually really liked the sentence that begins, "Winters came and went . . ." I thought that sentence showed time moving forward in a poetic way.
Good luck with the contest; you certainly have creativity on your side:-)
Pam
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2022
|
Hi Maria,
I found your take on Christmas very creative - it is certainly not always the best time of year for people, but your characters really had a hard time with the season.
I was a little confused by Lisa's dream of the devil, and the fact that she was never close to her son. I thought for sure Josh was going to turn out to be the devil himself!
I actually really liked the sentence that begins, "Winters came and went . . ." I thought that sentence showed time moving forward in a poetic way.
Good luck with the contest; you certainly have creativity on your side:-)
Pam
Comment Written 26-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2022
-
Hi Pam,
I hope you're having a nice Christmas.
Josh wasn't nice to start with. It was love that redeemed him.
Thanks for reading.
Comment from Terry Broxson
I have read several of the entries for this Christmas contest, and a couple or so are very dark. I think yours is titled right. It is a black Christmas story. Nothing went right for your characters, but that is what made it creative. Good luck in the contest. Terry
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2022
|
I have read several of the entries for this Christmas contest, and a couple or so are very dark. I think yours is titled right. It is a black Christmas story. Nothing went right for your characters, but that is what made it creative. Good luck in the contest. Terry
Comment Written 25-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2022
-
Thanks for your review, Terry.
