Doors
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Triplets (Part One)"An Encanto fan fic, cause why not.
4 total reviews
Comment from Rebecca Roberts1
Your story had a lot of interesting pieces. The dialogue was good, but I think you might be able to tighten it up a little more and you'd be happier with how quickly it will move forward.
Nice read.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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Your story had a lot of interesting pieces. The dialogue was good, but I think you might be able to tighten it up a little more and you'd be happier with how quickly it will move forward.
Nice read.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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Thanks for the kind words - I appreciate them.
Comment from prettybluebirds
This story is interesting but this is awfully long for one chapter. I found it hard to stay with the story and keep reading. I can see where you are ging with this, but shorter chapters would keep the readers more interested.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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This story is interesting but this is awfully long for one chapter. I found it hard to stay with the story and keep reading. I can see where you are ging with this, but shorter chapters would keep the readers more interested.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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Thanks for the kind words - I appreciate them.
Comment from lancellot
I like the beginning of this story. Fantasy with a Hispanic family POV is different than what you normally see. The story is a positive, but the writing and formatting needs some editing. Paragraph structure, and spacing. Speech tag usage. Tightening up on overly long sentences and word usage. If you fix these things, you'll have a great story.
notes:
FÃ?©lix and AgustÃ?Ân were laughing uproariously about...something.
I think the site has issues with the Spanish spellings.
It was so quiet, and then he thought, "why is it so quiet."
- place thoughts in quotes or Italics
FÃ?©lix and AgustÃ?Ân had gotten up. "Good night, Bruno," they both said and waved as they headed toward the house. Pepa downed the last of her wine and said, "I'm going too. With any luck, FÃ?©lix will be able to track down Antonio before me. Hopefully, he didn't decide to sleep in the forest. It almost seems like he's afraid it will all come down again."
- you don't want different speakers in the same paragraph.
Pepa nodded, "Irony at its best," and asked, "Have either of you seen Mam�¡?"
or
-Pepa nodded, "Irony at its best. Have either of you seen Mamia?"
"That woman has become like a ghost. Popping up {randomly." Pepa said} this with a
-randomly," Pepa said
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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I like the beginning of this story. Fantasy with a Hispanic family POV is different than what you normally see. The story is a positive, but the writing and formatting needs some editing. Paragraph structure, and spacing. Speech tag usage. Tightening up on overly long sentences and word usage. If you fix these things, you'll have a great story.
notes:
FÃ?©lix and AgustÃ?Ân were laughing uproariously about...something.
I think the site has issues with the Spanish spellings.
It was so quiet, and then he thought, "why is it so quiet."
- place thoughts in quotes or Italics
FÃ?©lix and AgustÃ?Ân had gotten up. "Good night, Bruno," they both said and waved as they headed toward the house. Pepa downed the last of her wine and said, "I'm going too. With any luck, FÃ?©lix will be able to track down Antonio before me. Hopefully, he didn't decide to sleep in the forest. It almost seems like he's afraid it will all come down again."
- you don't want different speakers in the same paragraph.
Pepa nodded, "Irony at its best," and asked, "Have either of you seen Mam�¡?"
or
-Pepa nodded, "Irony at its best. Have either of you seen Mamia?"
"That woman has become like a ghost. Popping up {randomly." Pepa said} this with a
-randomly," Pepa said
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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I forgot this site tends to over complicate submission... but I fixed all that - thanks for letting me know lol
sorry for the confusion and thanks for taking the time to review
Comment from Jay Squires
I'm curious, Achitka, did you post the first two chapters of this novel in the same formatting as this? I see that you didn't space between paragraphs and changes of dialogue. Really, you're shooting yourself in the foot by not properly spacing.
I've been here close to twenty years, and one thing I can tell you with absolute certitude is that readers decide whether or not they'll read a post based largely on white space.
With everything jammed together on the screen, it makes most readers claustrophobic. Seriously ... do yourself a favor and go back into the edit mode and double space between paragraphs. Your readership will increase measurably. Try it. You'll see.
Jay
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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I'm curious, Achitka, did you post the first two chapters of this novel in the same formatting as this? I see that you didn't space between paragraphs and changes of dialogue. Really, you're shooting yourself in the foot by not properly spacing.
I've been here close to twenty years, and one thing I can tell you with absolute certitude is that readers decide whether or not they'll read a post based largely on white space.
With everything jammed together on the screen, it makes most readers claustrophobic. Seriously ... do yourself a favor and go back into the edit mode and double space between paragraphs. Your readership will increase measurably. Try it. You'll see.
Jay
Comment Written 03-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
-
I forgot this site tends to over complicate submission... but I fixed all that - thanks for letting me know lol
sorry for the confusion and thanks for taking the time to review
