Buried alive
The darkness15 total reviews
Comment from karenina
Whew. I'm breathless! So many tragedies all around the world that leave children in just such a state! How many of them ever get the chance to escape the darkness? Not enough! Not nearly enough! As wars rage and nature flares, we pray for happy endings. This was a nail-biter, Wendy.
Karenina
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2023
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Whew. I'm breathless! So many tragedies all around the world that leave children in just such a state! How many of them ever get the chance to escape the darkness? Not enough! Not nearly enough! As wars rage and nature flares, we pray for happy endings. This was a nail-biter, Wendy.
Karenina
Comment Written 25-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2023
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Thank you very much. Cyclones and hurricanes can be terrifying and cause massive loss of life. I had read about a child saved like this but from an earthquake.
Wendy
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It's always a miracle when these desperate rescues happen.
Comment from F. William Lester
Well done. Descriptions were well drawn and the pacing consistant. I liked your use of short sentences to show the urgency of the child's situation. I think the tension could be upped more by getting inside the character's head and hearing the voices of fear and despair. You could also show more by using more of the senses to describe the character's reactions. Did he wet his pants? What odors are wafting from the surrounding detritus? Can he breathe? Heartrate? Does he dream? Introducing strong, visceral sensations/reactions would really draw the reader into the story. Thanks for sharing your story and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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Well done. Descriptions were well drawn and the pacing consistant. I liked your use of short sentences to show the urgency of the child's situation. I think the tension could be upped more by getting inside the character's head and hearing the voices of fear and despair. You could also show more by using more of the senses to describe the character's reactions. Did he wet his pants? What odors are wafting from the surrounding detritus? Can he breathe? Heartrate? Does he dream? Introducing strong, visceral sensations/reactions would really draw the reader into the story. Thanks for sharing your story and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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Thank you for a very thoughtful and encouraging review, and for your helpful suggestions. Appreciated.
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You're very welcome. I'm glad the comments were helpful. Good luck and stay well.
Comment from tempeste
Ciao mystery poet! You have 5 votes now.
Your narrative is the only one that gave me the chills.
I'm Claustrophobic and I know I would just get a heart attack if buried alive under all the debris.
I felt all the terror as I read your story ... yikes!
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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Ciao mystery poet! You have 5 votes now.
Your narrative is the only one that gave me the chills.
I'm Claustrophobic and I know I would just get a heart attack if buried alive under all the debris.
I felt all the terror as I read your story ... yikes!
Comment Written 09-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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Thank you very much Tempeste. I appreciate your lovely review and also your vote. I ?m claustrophobic tool; can?t think of anything worse than being buried alive, and that darkness.
Comment from Mary Shifman
This is a horrifying story about a child buried beneath rubble. The fact that this not only could, but does happen in the aftermath of bombings, hurricanes, tornados and earthquakes, makes it even more disturbing. You captured this scenario with vivid details. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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This is a horrifying story about a child buried beneath rubble. The fact that this not only could, but does happen in the aftermath of bombings, hurricanes, tornados and earthquakes, makes it even more disturbing. You captured this scenario with vivid details. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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Thank you very much for your wonderful review. Yes, it could have been any of those scenarios. Same horrifying result. Thanks too for the good wishes. All are appreciated.
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You are very welcome.
Comment from zanya
jA very interesting entry for the Dark contest - being caught underground in a cyclonic event - well portrayed with evocative language - suspense is
effectively conveyed
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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jA very interesting entry for the Dark contest - being caught underground in a cyclonic event - well portrayed with evocative language - suspense is
effectively conveyed
Comment Written 09-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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Thank you so much for your positive and encouraging review. I appreciate it.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
You have made good use of distinct powerful words to create the mood you were aiming for - and the result is very effective. I like the lack of redundancy Kate xx
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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You have made good use of distinct powerful words to create the mood you were aiming for - and the result is very effective. I like the lack of redundancy Kate xx
Comment Written 07-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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Thank you Kate. I appreciate your encouraging words.
Comment from Dawn Munro
No-one = no hyphen needed
This is really riveting reading, but I wouldn't be giving a fair review if I did not point out that you are writing a great many fragmented sentences. ( no verbs)
Personally, I love it because it reads very much like a haibun, and that's a favorite format of mine BUT... as an unknown author, we are not to use such devices. The best-selling authors can and do... (Yikes. Lol.)
My next suggestion is that italics are used for thought to differentiate it from the narration.
Regardless of all I was compelled to offer as suggestions, I LOVED this -- i bet it wins!!!!!!!!
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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No-one = no hyphen needed
This is really riveting reading, but I wouldn't be giving a fair review if I did not point out that you are writing a great many fragmented sentences. ( no verbs)
Personally, I love it because it reads very much like a haibun, and that's a favorite format of mine BUT... as an unknown author, we are not to use such devices. The best-selling authors can and do... (Yikes. Lol.)
My next suggestion is that italics are used for thought to differentiate it from the narration.
Regardless of all I was compelled to offer as suggestions, I LOVED this -- i bet it wins!!!!!!!!
Comment Written 07-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2023
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Thank you so much for your thoughtful review. In my country we do often use a hyphen for no one, although it is probably a less common variant.
Yes, I used lots of fragmented sentences on purpose. His thoughts were not well formed, but jagged, incomplete, racing and darting everywhere and I wanted to reflect that.
Thank you - I will reflect on all your thoughtful and caring suggestions, but above all I am glad you enjoyed it.
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You're very welcome.
Comment from Cindy Decker 2
Author,
This is an exceptional story of a boy caught in debris.
I could feel his fear and horror as I read your words.
I was bedridden for almost three months, and the suspense of wondering if I would walk again (like his being rescued).
Nice work and life lesson.
Good luck,
Blessings
Cindy
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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Author,
This is an exceptional story of a boy caught in debris.
I could feel his fear and horror as I read your words.
I was bedridden for almost three months, and the suspense of wondering if I would walk again (like his being rescued).
Nice work and life lesson.
Good luck,
Blessings
Cindy
Comment Written 06-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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Thank you Cindy. What a great review. I appreciate it a lot.
Comment from jessizero
It should be "in critical condition," not "in a critical conditional." Aside from that, this was a captivating story that was told well. Thanks for sharing, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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It should be "in critical condition," not "in a critical conditional." Aside from that, this was a captivating story that was told well. Thanks for sharing, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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Thanks Jessi. And thanks for picking up the typo!
Comment from Brett Matthew West
What a harrowing experience to have to go through.
Some monsters are real as this story, that draws the reader in, illustrates.
Darkness, being alone, being buried alive all terrors no child should have to endure.
Tale does end on a happy note though.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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What a harrowing experience to have to go through.
Some monsters are real as this story, that draws the reader in, illustrates.
Darkness, being alone, being buried alive all terrors no child should have to endure.
Tale does end on a happy note though.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2023
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Thank you Brett. I appreciate your thoughtful review.
