A Wretched State
Total Darkness is ...8 total reviews
Comment from F. William Lester
An interesting concept. I assume your protagonist is a cadaver, it wasn't entirely clear but that may have been your intent. The ending had a good twist, however, not having read Shakespear, the reference to left me confused. Overall, I thought the story was flat. There wasn't any tension. I realize cadavers can't feel, but since this is fiction, you have license to inject more physical sensations like fear or confusion. You could elaborate on why it is a wretched state? Was it buried alive? Does it have a secret that could save someone who is still alive? Unrequited love? There are many directions you could take this story and draw the reader into the "wretched state." Thanks for sharing your story and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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An interesting concept. I assume your protagonist is a cadaver, it wasn't entirely clear but that may have been your intent. The ending had a good twist, however, not having read Shakespear, the reference to left me confused. Overall, I thought the story was flat. There wasn't any tension. I realize cadavers can't feel, but since this is fiction, you have license to inject more physical sensations like fear or confusion. You could elaborate on why it is a wretched state? Was it buried alive? Does it have a secret that could save someone who is still alive? Unrequited love? There are many directions you could take this story and draw the reader into the "wretched state." Thanks for sharing your story and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2023
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It may not have been my intent at the start but when I put my fingers to the keyboard a wire is tripped within my mind, I find creativity comes alive and thereafter my thoughts are no longer in control, much like when the Outer Limits came on teevee in the sixties. Thanks for the review.
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I know the feeling. The premise you start with isn't always the story you end up writing. Keep the faith and stay well.
Comment from Mario PIERRE
Very unique take on darkness and death or the sense of death. The fact that there is a thinking process tells us the character is alive but we can feel the gut wrenching fear and panic through the text.
Very impressive.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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Very unique take on darkness and death or the sense of death. The fact that there is a thinking process tells us the character is alive but we can feel the gut wrenching fear and panic through the text.
Very impressive.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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Sure. If it was limbo it was in, how low could it go (the island dance)?
How long must it stay unsure where it would end. Brrr.
Comment from JLR
Writer, a wonderful entry to the contest to wrote about dark. The intermingled Shakespearean verse brings the reader to pause and the quest for the reader to unravel the location of this soul trapped perhaps between worlds of presence and non existence. You have my vote.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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Writer, a wonderful entry to the contest to wrote about dark. The intermingled Shakespearean verse brings the reader to pause and the quest for the reader to unravel the location of this soul trapped perhaps between worlds of presence and non existence. You have my vote.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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Aah. Magic is in the air. I appreciate your thoughts and comments.
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, The Wretched State, allows the thoughts of the departed to probe the possibility that this state of death has to be realized, slowly, yet to its obvious conclusion.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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This story, The Wretched State, allows the thoughts of the departed to probe the possibility that this state of death has to be realized, slowly, yet to its obvious conclusion.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2023
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As always, thanks for the comment.
Comment from susand3022
Wow... this sounded like being in a hydrobaric chamber. (I think that's what it's called.) Or maybe back in the womb again. A place you can't see, can't speak, suddenly you're there, but you aren't sure how you got there... or perhaps you woke up and remembered that you 'took the red pill.'
Susan :)
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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Wow... this sounded like being in a hydrobaric chamber. (I think that's what it's called.) Or maybe back in the womb again. A place you can't see, can't speak, suddenly you're there, but you aren't sure how you got there... or perhaps you woke up and remembered that you 'took the red pill.'
Susan :)
Comment Written 05-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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I shot for horror. Hoped it hit the mark. Thaks for the read and comments.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I like how you started with "Come. Join me. I am alone." And even from that early point I'm thinking, "Thanks, but no thinks. I think I'll pass." Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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I like how you started with "Come. Join me. I am alone." And even from that early point I'm thinking, "Thanks, but no thinks. I think I'll pass." Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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I shot for horror. Hoping it would hit home. Thanks for the read and comments. How did you feel the Bard's quote ended it?
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Thumbs UP
Comment from dellsworthpoet
A sketch in charcoal of death or perhaps depression.
The flow is good. The images are chilling and palpable. The message stays on point. The stark language enhances the overall feeling of surreal emptiness. The end questions and quotes lead us to the conclusion that this is death.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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A sketch in charcoal of death or perhaps depression.
The flow is good. The images are chilling and palpable. The message stays on point. The stark language enhances the overall feeling of surreal emptiness. The end questions and quotes lead us to the conclusion that this is death.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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Wasn't expecting death when I began yet it naturally flowed there. Shakespeare had fifty or more quotes Re; death, all I needed to do was find an appropriate ending and lucky me found two.
Comment from Anna M.
The descriptive language felt a little awkward. I'm not sure if that was purposeful, but it was hard for me to make out the message you were trying to convey. I liked the first two paragraphs though, I think they were much more clear and made a lot more sense than the rest.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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The descriptive language felt a little awkward. I'm not sure if that was purposeful, but it was hard for me to make out the message you were trying to convey. I liked the first two paragraphs though, I think they were much more clear and made a lot more sense than the rest.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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Yes, once I began begetting and tying olde English through it I let the spirit guide me. I thought the solo conversation was the hidden gem when the subject confided there's no one listening. Thanks for the read. Sorry it disappointed.
