Magnum PI Was My Dad
Hate fills the emptiness.34 total reviews
Comment from LateBloomer
Hello author, I (and my husband) can both relate to your story. The two of us have experienced a life similar to yours. The One thing that I had going for me was that I had a strong mother. My husband had an abusive father and a very weak mother which was disastrous.
I can feel your hurt and pain, and I can understand why this story was hard for you to write, perhaps bringing a tear to your eye. The scars of childhood live deep and hard. There is no soothing ointment to relieve the horrific life you had. The good news is that you looked to the future, and made a life for yourself--leaving the baggage behind, albeit still trapped in your mind. Nothing can erase our memories.
Of special note:
--I still remember his half-tied brown work boots. I was gripped by pure terror that he was going to rip away the chair and tip over the desk, finding me. Then he was gone, fleeing from the house.
(Good imagery in the half-tied brown work books. Also, I bet he was gone. That's what bullies do. They create havoc and then they flee before consequences. They leave other to clean up their mess. They have no shame. Their promises to change are just mere words.
--My father is Christian now and wants a relationship. But on his terms.,
Your dad is still the bully--everything his way. Well, he better go back to that school of Christianity and take a few more lessons because he's missed a few things.
That you father doesn't even want to know the names of his grandchildren says that he is still in denial, especially since Grandpa's usually do nice things for their grandkids. He not wanting to see photos, etc. just shows that HE wants a relations for HIMSELF. It's still all about him.
--He can't be bothered to even see my home.
Your dad doesn't want to see your home because he would have to acknowledge your success--success that you acquired without One ounce of help from him. All he ever did was create road blocks for you, and while you were trying to get through them, he would throw a bomb into the midst of it.
-- My father takes it upon himself to play the victim and often sends relatives to let my siblings and I know how badly we have hurt him in life.
How badly, you have hurt him in life?! Does he not have once once of rationale in his head. Dear old dad is not only a bully, he is a cry baby and a whiner whose in a pity party of one--just one person at his party because it's always been about him.
--I see a movie, or tv show with a good dad and I feel hatred all over again.
(My husband since childhood has has these feelings. My anger grew as I got older--not while raising my children, but watching my children raise their children and seeing what a good mom and dad does for their children--now realizing all the things that I missed and never had. While I was in the midst of it, I was just too busy trying to survive and trying to give my family the best that I could, but now as a grandma, I see so very much.)
--The Bible tells us that if we don't forgive, we won't be forgiven. I'm 53 and I still haven't found it in my heart.
(Author, I am in the same camp as you. I have recently been thinking about visiting my mother's grave, but when I realized that I would be visiting my dad's grave too, I shuddered--no longer wanting to do that.
Although they were separated for many years, they were both buried together. My dad died first. He's buried in a VA grave. My mother was able to be buried there too. Financially, and for other reasons, it just made sense at the time, and it was her wishes--but now I wish that she had her own grave.)
Author, this is a heart-wrenching story. It is a story that is heard all too often. You should be proud of yourself because you were a child raising yourself, planning your own future with no guidance. Your dad laughed when you joined the Marines because knocking others and putting other people and things down is what he was/is good at. He offered you Nothing because he was a person who was void inside. Perhaps, he has his own childhood luggage. My dad certainly did.
You've come from the School of Hard Knocks, and you've turned your life around. You should be proud of yourself. I can't help you or make a suggestion on how to forgive your dad because I am in the same camp as you. I, too, am struggling with forgiveness. I think the best thing that can happen is that you find acceptance without hatred. As far as your father wanting a relationship on his terms, he needs to start by looking up the meaning of the word relationship in the dictionary, and the next time the relatives call you to let you know that your dad is ok and feeding you a plate of guilt, put them in their place. Let them know that he's got a mouth of his own, and let dear ol' dad stop being manipulative and stop the crybaby, poor me routine. Also, let the bully stop hiding behind the skirts of your relatives. I bet you he goes to the women of the family cause in his mind women are weak.
Well, that's my spiel. This is my review. I hope I haven't offended you in any of my candid comments. Don't take any of Dad's non-sense. Let him take HIS terms and stuff 'm. You owe him nothing.
As this is a contest entry, I wish you good luck. LateBloomer
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023
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Hello author, I (and my husband) can both relate to your story. The two of us have experienced a life similar to yours. The One thing that I had going for me was that I had a strong mother. My husband had an abusive father and a very weak mother which was disastrous.
I can feel your hurt and pain, and I can understand why this story was hard for you to write, perhaps bringing a tear to your eye. The scars of childhood live deep and hard. There is no soothing ointment to relieve the horrific life you had. The good news is that you looked to the future, and made a life for yourself--leaving the baggage behind, albeit still trapped in your mind. Nothing can erase our memories.
Of special note:
--I still remember his half-tied brown work boots. I was gripped by pure terror that he was going to rip away the chair and tip over the desk, finding me. Then he was gone, fleeing from the house.
(Good imagery in the half-tied brown work books. Also, I bet he was gone. That's what bullies do. They create havoc and then they flee before consequences. They leave other to clean up their mess. They have no shame. Their promises to change are just mere words.
--My father is Christian now and wants a relationship. But on his terms.,
Your dad is still the bully--everything his way. Well, he better go back to that school of Christianity and take a few more lessons because he's missed a few things.
That you father doesn't even want to know the names of his grandchildren says that he is still in denial, especially since Grandpa's usually do nice things for their grandkids. He not wanting to see photos, etc. just shows that HE wants a relations for HIMSELF. It's still all about him.
--He can't be bothered to even see my home.
Your dad doesn't want to see your home because he would have to acknowledge your success--success that you acquired without One ounce of help from him. All he ever did was create road blocks for you, and while you were trying to get through them, he would throw a bomb into the midst of it.
-- My father takes it upon himself to play the victim and often sends relatives to let my siblings and I know how badly we have hurt him in life.
How badly, you have hurt him in life?! Does he not have once once of rationale in his head. Dear old dad is not only a bully, he is a cry baby and a whiner whose in a pity party of one--just one person at his party because it's always been about him.
--I see a movie, or tv show with a good dad and I feel hatred all over again.
(My husband since childhood has has these feelings. My anger grew as I got older--not while raising my children, but watching my children raise their children and seeing what a good mom and dad does for their children--now realizing all the things that I missed and never had. While I was in the midst of it, I was just too busy trying to survive and trying to give my family the best that I could, but now as a grandma, I see so very much.)
--The Bible tells us that if we don't forgive, we won't be forgiven. I'm 53 and I still haven't found it in my heart.
(Author, I am in the same camp as you. I have recently been thinking about visiting my mother's grave, but when I realized that I would be visiting my dad's grave too, I shuddered--no longer wanting to do that.
Although they were separated for many years, they were both buried together. My dad died first. He's buried in a VA grave. My mother was able to be buried there too. Financially, and for other reasons, it just made sense at the time, and it was her wishes--but now I wish that she had her own grave.)
Author, this is a heart-wrenching story. It is a story that is heard all too often. You should be proud of yourself because you were a child raising yourself, planning your own future with no guidance. Your dad laughed when you joined the Marines because knocking others and putting other people and things down is what he was/is good at. He offered you Nothing because he was a person who was void inside. Perhaps, he has his own childhood luggage. My dad certainly did.
You've come from the School of Hard Knocks, and you've turned your life around. You should be proud of yourself. I can't help you or make a suggestion on how to forgive your dad because I am in the same camp as you. I, too, am struggling with forgiveness. I think the best thing that can happen is that you find acceptance without hatred. As far as your father wanting a relationship on his terms, he needs to start by looking up the meaning of the word relationship in the dictionary, and the next time the relatives call you to let you know that your dad is ok and feeding you a plate of guilt, put them in their place. Let them know that he's got a mouth of his own, and let dear ol' dad stop being manipulative and stop the crybaby, poor me routine. Also, let the bully stop hiding behind the skirts of your relatives. I bet you he goes to the women of the family cause in his mind women are weak.
Well, that's my spiel. This is my review. I hope I haven't offended you in any of my candid comments. Don't take any of Dad's non-sense. Let him take HIS terms and stuff 'm. You owe him nothing.
As this is a contest entry, I wish you good luck. LateBloomer
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023
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This was never about the contest, although I was surprised to see that I won. This was about seeing if I could get on the right path. Seems you need that path to. There was a couple of really solid people that stepped out and gave me some terrific ideas/advice on how they moved forward after similiar situations. I even put one of the responses on my refridge door. It may help you to check them out. Thank you so much for the awesome review. I appreciate you!
Comment from Sally Law
I can understand your hesitation in sharing, mystery writer. This made me cry. I'm so so sorry, my FanStory friend. You are very brave to share this.
I, too, had a difficult and violent childhood. My good mother, and as I suspect now, God, was watching over me and I have gone on to overcome so much and have a blessed life.
This I know as a minister of the gospel, and one who's been through it: forgiveness has mighty power! If you try to forgive from the emotional aspect, it won't happen. Those emotions are raw and exposed. But if you forgive from a heart of faith, the emotions will subside in time and you will be able to truly forgive AND free yourself AND heal. I used to have nightmares all the time, but after I forgave my dad, and my stepfather, they began to stop. If one reoccurred, I would pray and thank God again that He has freed me from that situation and that He is working on them as well, whoever they are, and wherever they were living.
Thinking and praying for you today. I hope this does well in the contest.
Sending you my best today as always and blessings to you all.
Sally Law Xo
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023
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I can understand your hesitation in sharing, mystery writer. This made me cry. I'm so so sorry, my FanStory friend. You are very brave to share this.
I, too, had a difficult and violent childhood. My good mother, and as I suspect now, God, was watching over me and I have gone on to overcome so much and have a blessed life.
This I know as a minister of the gospel, and one who's been through it: forgiveness has mighty power! If you try to forgive from the emotional aspect, it won't happen. Those emotions are raw and exposed. But if you forgive from a heart of faith, the emotions will subside in time and you will be able to truly forgive AND free yourself AND heal. I used to have nightmares all the time, but after I forgave my dad, and my stepfather, they began to stop. If one reoccurred, I would pray and thank God again that He has freed me from that situation and that He is working on them as well, whoever they are, and wherever they were living.
Thinking and praying for you today. I hope this does well in the contest.
Sending you my best today as always and blessings to you all.
Sally Law Xo
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to write this Sally. I'm actually gonna print this and put it on my refridgerater. I think there are some key points here that will get me moving in the right direction. I appreciate you!
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
I'm so sorry that you were put through abusive relationships with each father/step-father. Did they seek any help? Was it alcohol? It sounds like some therapy was needed. Your story reminds me of the book, "A Boy Called It." He also lived through an abusive relationship. Even though, this is a very sad story, I would like to give you a virtual six star. God Bless You.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2023
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I'm so sorry that you were put through abusive relationships with each father/step-father. Did they seek any help? Was it alcohol? It sounds like some therapy was needed. Your story reminds me of the book, "A Boy Called It." He also lived through an abusive relationship. Even though, this is a very sad story, I would like to give you a virtual six star. God Bless You.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2023
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Thank you Rosemary. Forty years and I never wrote word one about my real father. Now seems weird to do so for a contest. Still, I think it was just sweet therapeutic writing.
Comment from Sandra Nelms-Ludwig
This is a good entry into the Forgiveness contest. Writing is cathartic, so I hope you feel some better after writing this piece. The text is a great size for a long entry. You knew to make it larger, and that's good. The story was difficult to read because it was riddled with emotional abuse, physical abuse and neglect. This is an authentic story where you are baring your soul. I know you don't want pity. I want to say I understand, because I too grew up under crazy abusive conditions. We are survivors. Survivors must first accept they will be battling with what they often try to hide and that is angry, hurt children inside adult bodies. Your anger is justified because you were a child who encountered repeatedly adults in your childhood who let you down.
I wouldn't worry at the point about forgiving anyone, but yourself. Forgive yourself for not being able to forget and forgive. If you have a pastor you trust, make an appt. and talk to him. If your job will pay for counseling, go. Layered trauma is often too much to deal with alone. The angry and hurt child must be helped. I paid for counseling. If you live in a city there are support groups for people dealing with trauma. You have opened this box now get help with cleaning it out. Do not worry about forgiving anyone else until you have started the process of healing. You father will never be the man you want him to be. He is still being emotionally abusive. Cut your losses and stop waiting on that. Take care of your kids and yourself. Seek help. It was my saving grace.
The error in the quote should be "err". After all should be written as two separate words. Your visual does not fit. A photo of Magnum PI would be better. Good luck in the contest, but more importantly good luck in healing the angry child.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2023
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This is a good entry into the Forgiveness contest. Writing is cathartic, so I hope you feel some better after writing this piece. The text is a great size for a long entry. You knew to make it larger, and that's good. The story was difficult to read because it was riddled with emotional abuse, physical abuse and neglect. This is an authentic story where you are baring your soul. I know you don't want pity. I want to say I understand, because I too grew up under crazy abusive conditions. We are survivors. Survivors must first accept they will be battling with what they often try to hide and that is angry, hurt children inside adult bodies. Your anger is justified because you were a child who encountered repeatedly adults in your childhood who let you down.
I wouldn't worry at the point about forgiving anyone, but yourself. Forgive yourself for not being able to forget and forgive. If you have a pastor you trust, make an appt. and talk to him. If your job will pay for counseling, go. Layered trauma is often too much to deal with alone. The angry and hurt child must be helped. I paid for counseling. If you live in a city there are support groups for people dealing with trauma. You have opened this box now get help with cleaning it out. Do not worry about forgiving anyone else until you have started the process of healing. You father will never be the man you want him to be. He is still being emotionally abusive. Cut your losses and stop waiting on that. Take care of your kids and yourself. Seek help. It was my saving grace.
The error in the quote should be "err". After all should be written as two separate words. Your visual does not fit. A photo of Magnum PI would be better. Good luck in the contest, but more importantly good luck in healing the angry child.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2023
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Thank you my friend! I appreciate the corrections and more importantly the advice. The contest had nothing to do with this really. I used it as an excuse. Over forty years of writing and I never once mention my birth father in any piece. Ever. This actually felt good to talk about!
Comment from jacquelyn popp
Great story. I can understand why it's hard for you to forgive your father and maybe even your stepdad. I feel like that in time you may find forgiveness for them. My husband went through a similar childhood but has been able to forgive. He's 70 now. It's a good thing and blessing to your family that you are a better father. Thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2023
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Great story. I can understand why it's hard for you to forgive your father and maybe even your stepdad. I feel like that in time you may find forgiveness for them. My husband went through a similar childhood but has been able to forgive. He's 70 now. It's a good thing and blessing to your family that you are a better father. Thank you for sharing
Comment Written 31-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2023
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It?s a marathon, not a sprint. Writing this helped.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
You were wise to go ahead and write it. I believe the act of writing it to be therapeutic.
My dad wasn't a monster, just ... anyway, I was his caregiver when he was in Hospice (no food or water). He took weeks to die, only passing on after I forgave him. God did that for me.
Hint - forgiving someone is not the same as blessing the with all your undying love.
Praying for you.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2023
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You were wise to go ahead and write it. I believe the act of writing it to be therapeutic.
My dad wasn't a monster, just ... anyway, I was his caregiver when he was in Hospice (no food or water). He took weeks to die, only passing on after I forgave him. God did that for me.
Hint - forgiving someone is not the same as blessing the with all your undying love.
Praying for you.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2023
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Thank you my friend. You know, I have been writing for forty years and never once mentioned my birth dad. Now I did so for a contest. Seems weird, but honestly, it felt good to write about this. I appreciate your great rating but more importantly, I appreciate those prayers!
Comment from Wendy G
All I can say is that your story is powerful and very moving! In terms of forgiveness, God knows your heart and that you want to forgive. Keep wanting to, and the way may open for you to "feel" that you have forgiven him. My practice is to offer forgiveness with my mind and will, and keep asking Jesus to soften my heart, so that I also feel that assurance emotionally. But this sometimes takes years. However the heart attitude is what matters. It is particularly hard to forgive those who have expressed no sorrow for their actions and the pain they've caused. But then I think of Jesus forgiving me, even though I don't deserve it, and what He went through so I could be forgiven. Hope that helps a bit. I think forgiveness is the hardest aspect of the Christian walk.
Wendy
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2023
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All I can say is that your story is powerful and very moving! In terms of forgiveness, God knows your heart and that you want to forgive. Keep wanting to, and the way may open for you to "feel" that you have forgiven him. My practice is to offer forgiveness with my mind and will, and keep asking Jesus to soften my heart, so that I also feel that assurance emotionally. But this sometimes takes years. However the heart attitude is what matters. It is particularly hard to forgive those who have expressed no sorrow for their actions and the pain they've caused. But then I think of Jesus forgiving me, even though I don't deserve it, and what He went through so I could be forgiven. Hope that helps a bit. I think forgiveness is the hardest aspect of the Christian walk.
Wendy
Comment Written 31-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2023
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Yes, it does. I think the anger has to go before I can move forward. It?s a big hurdle. Writing this, even for a silly contest, was vey therapeutic for some reason. It was a big step for me. I think in the right direction. 40 years of writing and I?ve never mentioned my birth father, even once.
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My home life was not happy, but nowhere near as bad as yours, and last year I wrote "The tyrrany of silence", which I found really hard to do, but very helpful. I hope you can work through it and find the release and peace you need. The act of forgiving will be a release for you, although not for him.
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My home life was not happy, but nowhere near as bad as yours, and last year I wrote "The tyrrany of silence", which I found really hard to do, but very helpful. I hope you can work through it and find the release and peace you need. The act of forgiving will be a release for you, although not for him.
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Working on it :)
Comment from Ricky1024
This contest entry was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Good luck with your contest entry.
Doctor Ricky
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2023
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This contest entry was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Good luck with your contest entry.
Doctor Ricky
Comment Written 31-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2023
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Thank you, Sir!
Comment from Regina Elliott
Hi Douglas, My deep empathy
for what you went through.
My father was also abusive.
Being thrashed with the buckle end of his belt was
one of the punishments. My
worthless parents favored the
oldest and youngest siblings,
while me and my two younger
brothers bore the brunt of
my father's lack of love and
patience. He passed away
from lung cancer about 7 years ago. When I heard that,
I felt no emotion. My mother
is now 90. She was psychologically abusive.
Haven't seen either one of
them in over 30 years. My
son-in-law's parents are the
worst money worshipping
couple I've ever come across.
His parents don't care about
him either. It took my daughter and I awhile to
get him to see they're no
good. I can definitely understand your anger and
resentment towards your
father and stepfather. Writing
it down does help, and I hope
it helps you too. There are
many other people who go
through what we experienced.
My late husband had a crappy
childhood too. I have met
other veterans like you who
endured child abuse. I wish
I still had a 6 stars to give
this stellar write, but I ran out
of them early this week.
Many blessings to you. ~
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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Hi Douglas, My deep empathy
for what you went through.
My father was also abusive.
Being thrashed with the buckle end of his belt was
one of the punishments. My
worthless parents favored the
oldest and youngest siblings,
while me and my two younger
brothers bore the brunt of
my father's lack of love and
patience. He passed away
from lung cancer about 7 years ago. When I heard that,
I felt no emotion. My mother
is now 90. She was psychologically abusive.
Haven't seen either one of
them in over 30 years. My
son-in-law's parents are the
worst money worshipping
couple I've ever come across.
His parents don't care about
him either. It took my daughter and I awhile to
get him to see they're no
good. I can definitely understand your anger and
resentment towards your
father and stepfather. Writing
it down does help, and I hope
it helps you too. There are
many other people who go
through what we experienced.
My late husband had a crappy
childhood too. I have met
other veterans like you who
endured child abuse. I wish
I still had a 6 stars to give
this stellar write, but I ran out
of them early this week.
Many blessings to you. ~
Comment Written 18-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2023
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Thank you, Regina. I appreciate the great words and no worries about the six this one wasn't about any of that, or even the contest. Just needed to pen it. I thank God I had a good mother. Bless you, my friend.
Comment from Annmuma
Well, I have to give you a 6 on this for pure courage in writing and facing the horror of your life. It is tragic and gut-wrenching in so many ways. I can only say, forgiveness is a gift one gives themselves. A step away from the anger, hurt, the unbelievable actions of another and into your own actions. However, never having been where you are, I cannot know or understand where you are coming from. I can emphasize and care -- and I do.
Good thoughts come your way. Your post reads like a winner. ann
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2023
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Well, I have to give you a 6 on this for pure courage in writing and facing the horror of your life. It is tragic and gut-wrenching in so many ways. I can only say, forgiveness is a gift one gives themselves. A step away from the anger, hurt, the unbelievable actions of another and into your own actions. However, never having been where you are, I cannot know or understand where you are coming from. I can emphasize and care -- and I do.
Good thoughts come your way. Your post reads like a winner. ann
Comment Written 14-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2023
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Thank you! I really like how you said 'forgiveness is a gift one gives themselves.' I never thought about it this way. Thank your kind and wonderful words. I appreciate you!
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I mentioned you in this thank you response piece. Any issue with me posting it:
Recently I entered a contest called Forgiveness, which was developed by the talented Terry Broxson. I used the contest as an opportunity to write about my failure to forgive my birthfather for a myriad of bad behaviors and inexcusable actions. My entry was called Magnum PI Was My Dad.
I stated from the onset that I wasn?t concerned about the contest results and was seeking advice to help me deal with my failure to forgive, which I feel as a Christian is a sin. I was startled by the outpouring of support, commiseration, and advice that I received from writers on this site.
Many authors went above and beyond the 150-character requirement, writing pages of advice and encouragement. I think that using the review function of the site to assist a fellow writer who is struggling with an issue showed an incredible level of comparison and character. I wanted to write this article as a thank you to those who took the time to share their stories and advice.
There were a couple of themes that really stuck out to me. First, there are many survivors of abusive parents and stepparents. This is not an uncommon issue. Second, many people are still dealing with the forgiveness issue, as am I. Third, most agree that writing about these things is therapeutic, and is a great first step in the process of forgiveness.
Obviously, I can?t share everything that was written, so I thought that I would share some of the things that I found key from some of the awesome reviewers that helped me out. I bolded some things that really hit me.
LJbutterfly felt that forgiveness is between you and God and that it will take a major burden off your shoulders if you can achieve it.
Barbara Wilkey relayed that forgiving releases emotional baggage and if you ask God for help, then he will.
John Ciarmello felt that forgiveness is impossible to achieve as we are simply human beings. As Christians, we are told to emulate Him and follow in the footsteps of His divinity. Also, some folks have to be taught by example, and perhaps God wants me to find a way to show them what forgiveness means by example.
Sandra Mitchell said that she read this with anger in her heart. She felt that to forgive would allow me to move on. She said that just because I forgive him, that doesn't mean I have to like him. She felt that forgiveness frees you, and that to dislike a person is not a sin.
Anne Johnston said that I can?t do it (forgive) in my own strength, but if I will call on Jesus for help, He will. She also said that I will never forget what I went through, but forgiveness will break the stronghold in my life, and give me peace.
Jannypan (Jan) said that forgiveness is personal to each one of us. (This struck me as being a very valid point because each situation is different.)
PoemsOfDD had a poetic way of saying that it was good opening up and taking the first steps in emptying out my closet that has been crammed full of neglect and abuse. PoemsOfDD also advising that it will take many airings and scrubbing to get things a little cleaner but hopefully, with understanding the dirt, the stains may be easier to clean or, at least, fade.
Country ranch writer wrote a lot of helpful points. She said that first, I needed to forgive myself for everything that happened to me as it was beyond my control. She also suggested that I find a mental health specialist or Chaplin of my faith and talk to them.
She said that life is too short to look back and dwell on the past as it will eat you alive and advised me to cut my losses. Then she said some very nice things like I have become a better man because of the harsh, ugly times I suffered as a child and had no control over.
Finally, she suggested that I deal with it one day at a time and consider keeping a journal of my thoughts. She finished by advising me not to be embarrassed for the people on this site don't sit in judgement.
Lyenochka said that when she learned to forgive she felt a heavy weight come off of her. The anger left and she felt relief and healing. She said for that reason, I should forgive. Not because it's a tit for tat with God. He already forgave me because I believe. There's nothing I need to do to earn His forgiveness. That's all through Jesus' holy work - not yours.
Another Lyenochka nugget of wisdom was that forgiving my dad doesn't mean I have to see my dad or have a relationship with him. The main thing is to clear this up with God. It's between you and Him. Not you and your dad. (This was huge for me, because I had this mental picture that once I achieved forgiveness, the relationship would right itself and we?d go skipping through the daisies together.)
Carol Hillebrenner had some great points. She said that I do not have to love him because he did not love me and never has and love for a child is not guaranteed. In her life, she realized hatred would only hurt her and that the absence of feeling isn't hatred.
LateBloomer pointed out that the scars of childhood live deep and hard. She saw my dad as a selfish bully who wants everything his way. She commiserated with me on some shared feelings of anger and pointed out that nothing can erase our memories.
She did point out that perhaps my father has his own childhood luggage. She thought that the best thing that can happen is that I find acceptance without hatred. She was worried that I might have been offended by her candid comments, but it was quite the opposite. Several of her opinions made great sense to me. Like when she said, You owe him nothing.
Sally Law told me that my story made her cry. She is such a sweetheart. She said that forgiveness has mighty power and that if I try to forgive from the emotional aspect, it won't happen. Those emotions are raw and exposed. She said that I needed to forgive from a heart of faith, and the emotions will subside in time and I will be able to truly forgive and free myself and heal.
Rosemary Everson1 said wisely that it sounds like some therapy was needed by all. That made me laugh.
The wonderful Sandra Nelms-Ludwig stated that writing is cathartic, and hoped that I felt better after writing this piece. She astutely pointed out that survivors must first accept they will be battling with angry, hurt children inside adult bodies.
She said that this anger is justified because I was a child who repeatedly encountered adults in my childhood who let me down. She said not to worry about forgiving anyone, but myself. Forgive myself for not being able to forget and forgive.
Sandra also said that layered trauma is often too much to deal with alone and I may need to seek counseling as that angry and hurt child inside must be helped. She pointed out that my father will never be the man that I want him to be, so cut my losses and stop waiting on that.
Jacquelyn Popp believed that forgiveness for my father and maybe even my stepdad, will take a lot more time.
Wayne Fowler said that I was wise to go ahead and write about this. He said that forgiving someone is not the same as blessing them with all your undying love.
Wendy G relayed that God knows my heart and that I want to forgive. She told me to keep wanting to, and the way may open for me to "feel" that I have forgiven him. Her practice is to offer forgiveness with her mind and will, and keep asking Jesus to soften her heart.
Wendy advised that this sometimes takes years, but said the heart attitude is what matters. She felt that it is particularly hard to forgive those who have expressed no sorrow for their actions and the pain they've caused.
She said that she thought forgiveness is the hardest aspect of the Christian walk. She aptly pointed out that the act of forgiving will be a release for me, although not for him.
Regina Elliot pointed out that writing about this helps and she hoped that it helped me too.
Annmuma pointed out that forgiveness is a gift one gives themselves. She advised to step away from the anger, hurt, the unbelievable actions of another and into your own actions.
Janilou pointed out that time doesn't heal all wounds and some pain lasts forever. She thought that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting the pain or condoning his actions. The fact that you were able to parent your own children in a positive and loving way might be the only forgiveness you need to extend - that you were able to forgive him enough not to become like him.
Barbara Peabody Pouliot personally felt that forgiveness does not come until I heal my pain and true feelings around this. She said that this is about me, my pain, and my disappointment and anger. She suggested that I take a more direct approach and find a way to release that anger in a healthy way like scream in a pillow, beat a pillow, or cry because it is ok for men to cry.
She did provide a proven recipe for anger. She said to buy two dozen eggs, and a new bucket. Then go to a private place where I can yell and curse. She said to take one egg at a time and let a deep feeling surface, then whip the egg in the bucket, as the words come out!
Barbara said that once I heal myself, I will be free to find forgiveness.
Finally, Terry Broxson stated in his honest and frank way, that he doesn?t think life requires forgiveness.
So, this is a big shout-out thank you to all of the people who took the time to drop the ?review for dollars? mentality, and reached out to help me in my struggle. I appreciate all of you very much. Hopefully some of you reading this may find a nugget of wisdom to help you.
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Absolutely, release whatever notes you care to as to what I said or suggested. I try to speak from my heart and my experience.. I am honored that you wish to share my thoughts along with so many other caring fanstorians. ann
