A Baby Soldier Memoir/ Entry 6
The Tunnels21 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
I'm really loving this story, John. It's so engaging on all the levels. And simmering beneath it all is a love story.
Still, you couldn't wait three more days to post it ... when I had a six?!
"Is that your father has something to do with this." [In situations like this where the same person lops off the end of his sentence, then it's finished shortly thereafter, I find it helpful to begin the second dialogue with the same em-dash that you ended the previous dialogue with. I.e., "--is that your father has something to do with this."]
they know what you look like." He signed. [Period should be a comma, and a small "h" for "he".]
"You do know your starting to get under my skin, right?" ["You do know YOU'RE starting ..."]
"Mission accomplished." She signed. [Same as above with the punctuation. Look at "signed" the same way you would "said"]
and I do understand your miss trust..." [... understand your MISTRUST..."]
"We have company." He signed. ["We have company," he signed.... In the interest of time, John, I won't point any more of these out.]
"Let me guess, a drink voucher for the tiki bar, right?" [that's funny!]
I should have realized earlier, and with all, you've been through." [Was the comma after "all" intentional?]
"How long have you been deaf? He signed. [No closing quote marks. Her of course, with the question mark (As well as would be an exclamation point), the only thing you would change is the "He" to lowercase "he".]
Your dialogue is so energetically taut! I wish I had that gift. But it's more than tautness .... It's the timing of going from narrative to dialogue, and the balance of the two on the page. It's just sweet!
Jay
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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I'm really loving this story, John. It's so engaging on all the levels. And simmering beneath it all is a love story.
Still, you couldn't wait three more days to post it ... when I had a six?!
"Is that your father has something to do with this." [In situations like this where the same person lops off the end of his sentence, then it's finished shortly thereafter, I find it helpful to begin the second dialogue with the same em-dash that you ended the previous dialogue with. I.e., "--is that your father has something to do with this."]
they know what you look like." He signed. [Period should be a comma, and a small "h" for "he".]
"You do know your starting to get under my skin, right?" ["You do know YOU'RE starting ..."]
"Mission accomplished." She signed. [Same as above with the punctuation. Look at "signed" the same way you would "said"]
and I do understand your miss trust..." [... understand your MISTRUST..."]
"We have company." He signed. ["We have company," he signed.... In the interest of time, John, I won't point any more of these out.]
"Let me guess, a drink voucher for the tiki bar, right?" [that's funny!]
I should have realized earlier, and with all, you've been through." [Was the comma after "all" intentional?]
"How long have you been deaf? He signed. [No closing quote marks. Her of course, with the question mark (As well as would be an exclamation point), the only thing you would change is the "He" to lowercase "he".]
Your dialogue is so energetically taut! I wish I had that gift. But it's more than tautness .... It's the timing of going from narrative to dialogue, and the balance of the two on the page. It's just sweet!
Jay
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Hi, Jay! I actually had commas before all the, he signed /she signed tags but then I began to over-research and changed them back. Lol. It's an unusual tag, so I went with what I had and should have left well enough alone. Now, I'm back on the editing board.
I love the carry-through on the em-dash. I have to remember that.
Jay, thank you so much as usual for your great review and critiques. You have improved my punctuation without a doubt and I'm super appreciative to have you in the audience.
Comment from prettybluebirds
You might be pokey, but it is worth the wait. You do an excellent job with the dialogue, and the fact that Zora is deaf is evident throughout the story. I will patiently await the next addition to your story.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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You might be pokey, but it is worth the wait. You do an excellent job with the dialogue, and the fact that Zora is deaf is evident throughout the story. I will patiently await the next addition to your story.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Thank you for the great review, PBB! I'm so happy you're on board and following my saga.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
I wish I had read more of the earlier chapters. This is an active chapter with a lot of things going on. I don't know why Lev doesn't know her as I thought she was his sister. I enjoy this setting and the people and will probably go back to earlier chapters. I know I read one or two. I don't get mine up too quickly as I have to earn enough money reviewing to keep it up.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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I wish I had read more of the earlier chapters. This is an active chapter with a lot of things going on. I don't know why Lev doesn't know her as I thought she was his sister. I enjoy this setting and the people and will probably go back to earlier chapters. I know I read one or two. I don't get mine up too quickly as I have to earn enough money reviewing to keep it up.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Thank you, Carol, for a great review. Thanks for following.
Comment from karenina
Excellent. I've been hooked on this since chapter one, John, and with each chapter, you offer more and more insight into the characters, the twists and turns of fate, and now a bit of a budding romance in the thick of things.
I see some gifted reviewers have offered you a few suggestions. I'm enthralled with the story and a fan, as always!
Karenina
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Excellent. I've been hooked on this since chapter one, John, and with each chapter, you offer more and more insight into the characters, the twists and turns of fate, and now a bit of a budding romance in the thick of things.
I see some gifted reviewers have offered you a few suggestions. I'm enthralled with the story and a fan, as always!
Karenina
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Thank you, Karenina! I appreciate the sixer! And I'm super happy you're following my pokey chapters, lol. I'll take this opportunity to check in and ask how you feel. I hope you're mending quickly and you're staying off the stairs. :)
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NO more stairs. Well--not on my FEET anyway! (Ten days in and I'm healing s-l-o-w-l-y)---
But I'm healing!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This addition may have taken a while to get posted but it's very good and well worth waiting for. I'm glad I was able to read it. Thank you for sharing it with us.
"Yes, He's a Mafia kingpin. (lower case 'h' on 'he)
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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This addition may have taken a while to get posted but it's very good and well worth waiting for. I'm glad I was able to read it. Thank you for sharing it with us.
"Yes, He's a Mafia kingpin. (lower case 'h' on 'he)
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Thank you, Barbara, for the great review and critique. I made that change. I'm happy you're following. Thanks again.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Hello there, pokey writer, lol! Glad you finally got around to giving us another chapter of this entertaining story - and now we have a little romance going. Hot dog!
Moving us into the next phase, romance and a hint of danger. Oh, and a long-awaited reunion.
Good dialogue, John. Keep going!!!
Can you sign with a cigarette in one hand? Maybe so, I'm just asking because she does it a couple of times.
Why did you capitalize DARK when he walks to the window?
Sentence that begins, "Listen, stay the night . . . you have two sentences that should be one.
closet shelve should be shelf in this case, as it's one shelf not many
and with all, you've been through - don't need the comma after all
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Hello there, pokey writer, lol! Glad you finally got around to giving us another chapter of this entertaining story - and now we have a little romance going. Hot dog!
Moving us into the next phase, romance and a hint of danger. Oh, and a long-awaited reunion.
Good dialogue, John. Keep going!!!
Can you sign with a cigarette in one hand? Maybe so, I'm just asking because she does it a couple of times.
Why did you capitalize DARK when he walks to the window?
Sentence that begins, "Listen, stay the night . . . you have two sentences that should be one.
closet shelve should be shelf in this case, as it's one shelf not many
and with all, you've been through - don't need the comma after all
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Thank you, Pam, for the great review and critique. I went in and made those changes. I pictured the cigarette in her mouth when she was signing, but maybe I left it in my mind, and it never made it to the keyboard, LOL. I'm going in to revisit that scene. Signed, The Pokey Writer. :) Thanks again!
Comment from Shirley McLain
I need a six for you, and I don't have one. Lev's sister is feisty, and I will do some back reading. I don't remember reading where she was deaf. You did a wonderful job, and I look forward to the next chapter. Have a great afternoon. Shirley
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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I need a six for you, and I don't have one. Lev's sister is feisty, and I will do some back reading. I don't remember reading where she was deaf. You did a wonderful job, and I look forward to the next chapter. Have a great afternoon. Shirley
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Thank you, Shirley, for the great review. Yes, it's revealed in the opening chapter when she's signing with the receptionist that she's deaf. No worries! Thank you for catching up and reviewing. I'm happy you're following.
Comment from Jim Wile
Excellent chapter, John. The mystery around Zev's rescue deepens. What year did the fire take place?
I loved the interaction between Zora and Luka. I like it when the insulting banter masks an underlying fondness for each other. This was well-written, and I'm eager to find out how Zora answers Zev's question at the end.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Excellent chapter, John. The mystery around Zev's rescue deepens. What year did the fire take place?
I loved the interaction between Zora and Luka. I like it when the insulting banter masks an underlying fondness for each other. This was well-written, and I'm eager to find out how Zora answers Zev's question at the end.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Thank you, Jim, for a great review. I'm happy you're following. I'm a fan of your work.
Comment from irishauthorme
Hey, this chapter shows that some extra care was taken in writing. Good dialogue, and the settings stood out. I am a pokey writer too, never really satisfied with my finished product.
It seems to me that writing dialogue for a deaf person while signing would be extremely difficult, but you make it look easy.
I like the way you express the character's moods, and the little glitch about
Zora being pyrophobic, fits with the story, and adds depth to her personality.
Good work,
irish
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Hey, this chapter shows that some extra care was taken in writing. Good dialogue, and the settings stood out. I am a pokey writer too, never really satisfied with my finished product.
It seems to me that writing dialogue for a deaf person while signing would be extremely difficult, but you make it look easy.
I like the way you express the character's moods, and the little glitch about
Zora being pyrophobic, fits with the story, and adds depth to her personality.
Good work,
irish
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Thank you, Irish! I try not to make too many mistakes, but they always seem to slip by. Anyway, thanks for the great review. I'm happy you're following.
Comment from Annmuma
I don't read and review many books,but this one has my attention. Another good chapter. The characters continue to be interesting and realistic. Keep them coming. ann
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reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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I don't read and review many books,but this one has my attention. Another good chapter. The characters continue to be interesting and realistic. Keep them coming. ann
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2023
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Thank you, Ann, for the great review. I'm so happy you are following this story.
