You Want Me To Stop?
Work for bills or chase a dream within poverty?20 total reviews
Comment from Ida T. Johnson
Daniel, I'm the reviewer who gave you 2 stars for "Thanks Bitch". Sorry for not answering your last reply; I've been trying to juggle reviewing and writing. Anyway, I wanted to get a better feel for your style of writing so I could pay your work the respect that it deserves. So, I just finished reading "You Want Me To Stop?" (I read it times to fully understand it). You are clearly a man with a lot to say and you're VERY passionate about your writing! This piece is somewhat autobiographical because you tell the reader in the 1st 2 lines that not being able to write is the same as not breathing! You later tell us WHY you write: "I speak what's in my heart to leave the sadness behind"; and "I write because it makes me believe there's hope. That's very powerful passion!! I'm also able to feel the rhythm of your rap style in both your works that I've read. Your last reply to me asked what you could do increase my rating for "Thanks Bitch". My reply to that question is "nothing". Your thoughts and feelings and how you express them in your writings are unique to you. Who am I to tell you what you coulda, shoulda, woulda do! I apologize to you because I may have misjudged you merely because I was offended by your work. You've been so gracious with accepting my comments, especially since you seem to be trying to learn from your erroneously perceived mistakes, but you didn't make any! This review is almost as long as your poem! One last thing. You are a MASTER at using metaphor and simile! So please, keep breathing AND writing! Thanks!
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Daniel, I'm the reviewer who gave you 2 stars for "Thanks Bitch". Sorry for not answering your last reply; I've been trying to juggle reviewing and writing. Anyway, I wanted to get a better feel for your style of writing so I could pay your work the respect that it deserves. So, I just finished reading "You Want Me To Stop?" (I read it times to fully understand it). You are clearly a man with a lot to say and you're VERY passionate about your writing! This piece is somewhat autobiographical because you tell the reader in the 1st 2 lines that not being able to write is the same as not breathing! You later tell us WHY you write: "I speak what's in my heart to leave the sadness behind"; and "I write because it makes me believe there's hope. That's very powerful passion!! I'm also able to feel the rhythm of your rap style in both your works that I've read. Your last reply to me asked what you could do increase my rating for "Thanks Bitch". My reply to that question is "nothing". Your thoughts and feelings and how you express them in your writings are unique to you. Who am I to tell you what you coulda, shoulda, woulda do! I apologize to you because I may have misjudged you merely because I was offended by your work. You've been so gracious with accepting my comments, especially since you seem to be trying to learn from your erroneously perceived mistakes, but you didn't make any! This review is almost as long as your poem! One last thing. You are a MASTER at using metaphor and simile! So please, keep breathing AND writing! Thanks!
Comment Written 02-Feb-2023
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is an epic write and a mind in turmoil here. We love pursuing our dreams but the bills have to be paid first and I have worked jobs I have not liked in order to survive. Historically writers have been poor and only when they are dead do they benefit from fame and fortune. My suggestion is to live your life well and write in your spare time, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2023
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This is an epic write and a mind in turmoil here. We love pursuing our dreams but the bills have to be paid first and I have worked jobs I have not liked in order to survive. Historically writers have been poor and only when they are dead do they benefit from fame and fortune. My suggestion is to live your life well and write in your spare time, love Dolly x
Comment Written 02-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I am glad that you enjoy my work. I have recently just published a book where I have poems/stories like these. I appreciate your support and kind words.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This certainly has a great deal of content that is the stuff of poems, or prose poems. I liked these lines best: Hide the tears inside that envelope. I write because it makes me believe there's hope.
There was a sense of mystery, or I hope it was mystery, with these lines: Catch me in two weeks with blood and a note. I gave a warning but it was written in Morse code.
Here's a line that might appeal to young people: Success isn't easy so you gotta volunteer.
Interesting post.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2023
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This certainly has a great deal of content that is the stuff of poems, or prose poems. I liked these lines best: Hide the tears inside that envelope. I write because it makes me believe there's hope.
There was a sense of mystery, or I hope it was mystery, with these lines: Catch me in two weeks with blood and a note. I gave a warning but it was written in Morse code.
Here's a line that might appeal to young people: Success isn't easy so you gotta volunteer.
Interesting post.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I am glad that you enjoy my work. I have recently just published a book where I have poems/stories like these. I appreciate your support and kind words.
Comment from Terry Broxson
Clearly, you have the ability to write. There is no need to stop breathing! You don't need any help with style or content. You will most likely continue to develop that more with more writing.
Two suggestions. Use FanArt to pick a picture to help illustrate your work if you don't choose a picture. FanStory will assign a picture for your poem that will change and make no sense.
Second, consider changing your presentation to a verse format rather than a paragraph format. In a verse format, it will be easier to read and feel the beat and flow you want the reader to experience. Excellent work. Terry.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2023
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Clearly, you have the ability to write. There is no need to stop breathing! You don't need any help with style or content. You will most likely continue to develop that more with more writing.
Two suggestions. Use FanArt to pick a picture to help illustrate your work if you don't choose a picture. FanStory will assign a picture for your poem that will change and make no sense.
Second, consider changing your presentation to a verse format rather than a paragraph format. In a verse format, it will be easier to read and feel the beat and flow you want the reader to experience. Excellent work. Terry.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I am glad that you enjoy my work. I have recently just published a book where I have poems/stories like these. I appreciate your support and kind words. Much love. I will see if I can find photos to match the poems. I thought the breaks would help so it doesn't look lengthy. I know some people just click away so I assumed it would be more welcoming. I appreciate your honesty and suggestions I will keep them in mind.
Comment from JT traveller
Once again a beautiful composition. It reads and flows well and has some great lines, this is my favourite,
"You complain about time and how I'm not fair. It's called chasing a future my love nothing sinister."
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2023
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Once again a beautiful composition. It reads and flows well and has some great lines, this is my favourite,
"You complain about time and how I'm not fair. It's called chasing a future my love nothing sinister."
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate you coming back to read another poem of mine. That is one of my favorites as well. Glad you caught that. Sometimes while chasing a dream with partner we tend to throw our soul into trying to due everything right and the relationship suffers because of it. Always need a break to relax and take a step back every now and then. Thank you for enjoying my work.
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My pleasure, as always. Jacqueline
Comment from Raul1
I have enjoyed reading your piece of poetry. It's beautifully written. Anyway, the poem is too long. You need to make it polish and keep it simple. Thank you for sharing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
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reply by the author on 14-Feb-2023
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I have enjoyed reading your piece of poetry. It's beautifully written. Anyway, the poem is too long. You need to make it polish and keep it simple. Thank you for sharing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate your honesty. I let the pen bleed until all the emotions are vented out. Sorry for it being long. Thank you for enjoying the read. Yes, the poem is long but personally breaking this into parts will ruin the poem and that it is meant to be read in one sitting. Nevertheless, thanks for taking the time to review my work.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This poem is filled with raw emotion yet controlled. I have feeling many people reading this can relate. I know as a society we are in a huge mess and there are no answers. Thank you for sharing this with us.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2023
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This poem is filled with raw emotion yet controlled. I have feeling many people reading this can relate. I know as a society we are in a huge mess and there are no answers. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I am glad that you enjoy my work. I have recently just published a book where I have poems/stories like these. I appreciate your support and kind words.
Comment from Sarah Das Gupta
Daniel this is great. It's a huge step forward I feel. It's an angry poem but artistically controlled. The structure is tighter and you are making your points without resorting to expletives. Keep it up!
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2023
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Daniel this is great. It's a huge step forward I feel. It's an angry poem but artistically controlled. The structure is tighter and you are making your points without resorting to expletives. Keep it up!
Comment Written 31-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I am glad that you enjoy my work. I have recently just published a book where I have poems/stories like these. I appreciate your support and kind words.
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Brilliant- keep it up!
Comment from harmony13
The author's words are clear, interesting, descriptive and creative. I found the author's words engaging and continued to read till the end. The author describes well the circumstances and clearly states the thoughts and feelings of this situation. The poem flows and connects well. Great Poem!
Welcome to Fanstory, hope you are enjoying this site....Maria
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2023
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The author's words are clear, interesting, descriptive and creative. I found the author's words engaging and continued to read till the end. The author describes well the circumstances and clearly states the thoughts and feelings of this situation. The poem flows and connects well. Great Poem!
Welcome to Fanstory, hope you are enjoying this site....Maria
Comment Written 31-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I am glad that you enjoy my work. I have recently just published a book where I have poems/stories like these. I appreciate your support and kind words.
Comment from Aussie
A very long poem covering how you feel and what you would like to be - a writer. You have made a good start but there are rules. Cuz = because. A true writer uses good English, doesn't matter where you come from. You have talent that needs polishing. I would have written this as a short story and added to it. You may like to look at Charity Stewart's writing - tough life, needs love has something to say. Blessings from Australia.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2023
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A very long poem covering how you feel and what you would like to be - a writer. You have made a good start but there are rules. Cuz = because. A true writer uses good English, doesn't matter where you come from. You have talent that needs polishing. I would have written this as a short story and added to it. You may like to look at Charity Stewart's writing - tough life, needs love has something to say. Blessings from Australia.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2023
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Sorry I am late but life has been hard. I also had a poem that blew up. I have been trying to use proper English. Let me know what you think of my new poem. It's called "When We Lock Eyes." When you have time of course.
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I read your short story mainly about yourself and your feelings. Is there any need for f... ? Pick out the parts in your life that distress you and look for some good parts. Otherwise it becomes depressing. K xx
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Thanks for replaying. Yes I do write mainly about myself, but I also jump into people's shoes during intense and sensitive situations. I don't always throw expletives in all my poems but a few. I include them when I feel the emotion is right. To make it more organic. In the heat of the moment sometimes we say things we don't want to it just come out. I will try to write some uplifting poems but I can describe pain pretty well. It's all I did growing up so venting out emotions became my thing. Hopefully that makes sense. Thanks for your honesty.
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You must deal with the past, no matter how painful; then move on to your life now, one day at a time. I know Charity and she wallows in the past. You can't grow unless you write about now and the future. K xx
