haiku (as night descends) 4-7-6
A Haiku for the club challenge17 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
-Excellent poem entry for city haiku for the haiku club event.
-Good syllables count.
-Nice presentation and imagery.
-Your descriptive words flow well expressing a clear mental image of the end of day in a city.
-Good luck in the cont
Well done!
Gypsy
"The poet waits quietly to paint the unsaid." - Atticus
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023
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-Excellent poem entry for city haiku for the haiku club event.
-Good syllables count.
-Nice presentation and imagery.
-Your descriptive words flow well expressing a clear mental image of the end of day in a city.
-Good luck in the cont
Well done!
Gypsy
"The poet waits quietly to paint the unsaid." - Atticus
Comment Written 02-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2023
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Thank you, I was worried i got a bit lost with this one, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your presentation was great, Kahpot. I enjoyed reading
your haiku. Great job with the syllable count per line.
The picture plus your words paired perfectly. I liked the
satori. What a great use of the word untethered. Your words
painted a great picture of readers.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Your presentation was great, Kahpot. I enjoyed reading
your haiku. Great job with the syllable count per line.
The picture plus your words paired perfectly. I liked the
satori. What a great use of the word untethered. Your words
painted a great picture of readers.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Thank you Jan, I am really enjoying trying to improve my short form poetry, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
Comment from June Sargent
Unfortunately, this is so true. The naturally beautiful sunsets are now not quite as striking over the city, due to a grey shroud of pollution. Nice response to the club challenge!
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Unfortunately, this is so true. The naturally beautiful sunsets are now not quite as striking over the city, due to a grey shroud of pollution. Nice response to the club challenge!
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Thank you very much, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
Comment from CrystieCookie999
The word 'wake' seems to have two meanings here. The wake of a boat active in the day and leaving behind pollution or garbage is one reference. Or 'wake' could literally mean that night is awakening some other creatures or events which cause pollution in ways one cannot control (untethered). Interesting suggestions.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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The word 'wake' seems to have two meanings here. The wake of a boat active in the day and leaving behind pollution or garbage is one reference. Or 'wake' could literally mean that night is awakening some other creatures or events which cause pollution in ways one cannot control (untethered). Interesting suggestions.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Thank you for your wonderful and very helpful review, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
Comment from Sugarray77
You have captured the feeling of the urban setting very well. Your satori 'untethered pollution' is clever and changes the poem from mundane to meaningful. Well done and an a great entry for this prompt!
Melissa
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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You have captured the feeling of the urban setting very well. Your satori 'untethered pollution' is clever and changes the poem from mundane to meaningful. Well done and an a great entry for this prompt!
Melissa
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Thank you very much, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
Comment from susand3022
Hi Kahpot,
There are just so many ways to take this poem. The physical pollution of garbage created or perhaps toxic things being moved through the dark of night in secret, to some cultures that are so dark you can only find them in the dark... lots of different ways to go with this poem.
Well done.
Susan :)
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Hi Kahpot,
There are just so many ways to take this poem. The physical pollution of garbage created or perhaps toxic things being moved through the dark of night in secret, to some cultures that are so dark you can only find them in the dark... lots of different ways to go with this poem.
Well done.
Susan :)
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Thank you so very much, yes, I think I may have got a bit lost with this one, but enjoyed trying and receiving lots of very helpful feedback, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
Comment from Jesse James Doty
This is interesting and provocative but I do not get the meaning of your using wake at the end of line two of this haiku. The picture doesn't show pollution or night descending so I am not sure of the meaning of this poem.
Jesse
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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This is interesting and provocative but I do not get the meaning of your using wake at the end of line two of this haiku. The picture doesn't show pollution or night descending so I am not sure of the meaning of this poem.
Jesse
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Hello Jesse, I dunno, when I first saw the picture all I could see was pollution, maybe I'll have to look closer or for another one, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
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Glad I could help.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
As the dust settles on the day we can sometimes smell and breathe in the pollution born out of the mechanical activity and the smell is acrid, I enjoyed for few words that speak volumes to me, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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As the dust settles on the day we can sometimes smell and breathe in the pollution born out of the mechanical activity and the smell is acrid, I enjoyed for few words that speak volumes to me, love Dolly x
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Thank you very much, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
Comment from jacquelyn popp
Good poem. Your words flowed well. I enjoyed reading this. The lines of your poem were written well. Nice job. The photo was a nice add on to your poem, and made it more enjoyable. It went perfectly with your poem. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Good poem. Your words flowed well. I enjoyed reading this. The lines of your poem were written well. Nice job. The photo was a nice add on to your poem, and made it more enjoyable. It went perfectly with your poem. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Thank you very much, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
Comment from AP Apgar
I like your haiku modern poem- good picture presentation- suggest: your meaning could be supported by using the notes - a luxury allowed- as I read - my comment would be to look at each word as a golden opportunity- words can be hard or soft- "activities- " hard? I personally attempt flow- having a smooth melodic quality - a smoothly flowing stream-
A comparison perhaps will help
As night descends
Memories come alive once more - (Pause) satori
Polluting sacred dreams
4/7/6. -17 syllables
Just a thought-
Good job -AP
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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I like your haiku modern poem- good picture presentation- suggest: your meaning could be supported by using the notes - a luxury allowed- as I read - my comment would be to look at each word as a golden opportunity- words can be hard or soft- "activities- " hard? I personally attempt flow- having a smooth melodic quality - a smoothly flowing stream-
A comparison perhaps will help
As night descends
Memories come alive once more - (Pause) satori
Polluting sacred dreams
4/7/6. -17 syllables
Just a thought-
Good job -AP
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Thank you AP. great comments, you should post this suggestion as it is wonderful, as always very much appreciated****kahpot
