The Piper
Viewing comments for Chapter 45 "The Piper, part 45"Young Adult Fantasy
9 total reviews
Comment from rspoet
Hello Debi,
Another excellent chapter. The interaction of Redd-Leif and his son Lynx
is well done and reads smoothly with good physical tells like Redd- Leif
raising his eyebrows and the hairs on his neck standing up.
His instincts razor sharp, those of an elf, sense what humans cannot.
And, from the previous chapter, we know precisely what danger he is sensing. The next chapter should be interesting.
Well done.
Best wishes.
Robert
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2023
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Hello Debi,
Another excellent chapter. The interaction of Redd-Leif and his son Lynx
is well done and reads smoothly with good physical tells like Redd- Leif
raising his eyebrows and the hairs on his neck standing up.
His instincts razor sharp, those of an elf, sense what humans cannot.
And, from the previous chapter, we know precisely what danger he is sensing. The next chapter should be interesting.
Well done.
Best wishes.
Robert
Comment Written 29-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2023
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Hi Robert,
Thank you for the detailed comments about the descriptions and the writing. I appreciate you continuing with the story and anticipating the what is possibly coming.
I appreciate the six stars and all the encouragement.
Debi
Comment from NeuralSplyce
I haven't read any of the previous chapters, but did read your synopsis. Sounds like an interesting story. I enjoyed this chapter. It was well-written and shows off your mastery of the craft. I liked the active opening and cliffhanger end. The chapter is great as it is now so my remaining comments are merely things to consider that may (or may not) tighten up the prose, improve pacing, or reduce narrative distance and so on.
The opening sentence is long and could be split to reduce reader fatigue. There are some other long sentences that could be split or shortened to maintain the pacing.
The third sentence - "He could imagine..." As a native English speaker, I understand this as he DID imagine. Non-native speakers might interpret as him having the potential to imagine. Additionally, by using "He imagined" it subconsciously reinforces in the reader's mind that Redd-Leif is a person of deliberate action ( except when you want him to vacillate).
Great use of short sentences in second to last paragraph to speed up the pacing and ratchet up tension. If encountering Piper in the next chapter will be a combative experience, you might consider making the last handful of sentences their own paragraphs to make them more ominous.
Discordant.
Threatening.
A chill went down Redd-Leif's spine.
Magic and music.
That could only mean Piper.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2023
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I haven't read any of the previous chapters, but did read your synopsis. Sounds like an interesting story. I enjoyed this chapter. It was well-written and shows off your mastery of the craft. I liked the active opening and cliffhanger end. The chapter is great as it is now so my remaining comments are merely things to consider that may (or may not) tighten up the prose, improve pacing, or reduce narrative distance and so on.
The opening sentence is long and could be split to reduce reader fatigue. There are some other long sentences that could be split or shortened to maintain the pacing.
The third sentence - "He could imagine..." As a native English speaker, I understand this as he DID imagine. Non-native speakers might interpret as him having the potential to imagine. Additionally, by using "He imagined" it subconsciously reinforces in the reader's mind that Redd-Leif is a person of deliberate action ( except when you want him to vacillate).
Great use of short sentences in second to last paragraph to speed up the pacing and ratchet up tension. If encountering Piper in the next chapter will be a combative experience, you might consider making the last handful of sentences their own paragraphs to make them more ominous.
Discordant.
Threatening.
A chill went down Redd-Leif's spine.
Magic and music.
That could only mean Piper.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2023
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Hi NeuralSplyce,
Thank you for jumping in to read at Chapter 45. I appreciate you taking the time.
Thank you for an encouraging review and the suggestions for improvement.
Debi
Comment from Spitfire
Your fantasy book is moving along nicely with Lynx learning how to use a new weapon--the slingshot. I'm glad Lynx has a healthy relationship with his father. You build up suspense toward the end with Redd sensing danger in a new magic- the music of Piper's flute.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2023
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Your fantasy book is moving along nicely with Lynx learning how to use a new weapon--the slingshot. I'm glad Lynx has a healthy relationship with his father. You build up suspense toward the end with Redd sensing danger in a new magic- the music of Piper's flute.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2023
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Hi Shari,
Thank you for jumping back into this story. I was gone for almost two years because of family issues and that is a long break in a story.
We lost my dad, three of his siblings, my sister and a cousin in fourteen months. Some to Covid, a couple to old age complications and my dad to an accident. I'm now living with my mom. At first I tried working from home and taking care of her, but she has so many doctor's appointments that I ended up quiting work to take care of her. The good thing is, I have a bit more time for writing so I hope to finish this story off soon.
I appreciate the support and the super six star rating. You brightened my day.
Debi
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I'm sorry to hear of all your losses! What a blessed daughter you are to take care of your mom. Good for you to look on the bright side of things-- more time to write. Love your spirit.
Comment from lyenochka
It's good that Redd-Leif sensed that Piper was in trouble. Wish he could have acted sooner! I liked how Lynx was excited to learn to be a slinger like his father. I liked how you built the excitement using the sense of touch and smell in the descriptions in the interactions between father and son.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2023
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It's good that Redd-Leif sensed that Piper was in trouble. Wish he could have acted sooner! I liked how Lynx was excited to learn to be a slinger like his father. I liked how you built the excitement using the sense of touch and smell in the descriptions in the interactions between father and son.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2023
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Hi Helen,
Thank you for the generous six stars and the encouraging comments. Thank you for being involved in the story, wishing that Redd-Leif had acted sooner. I appreciate the comments aabout building the excitement and the sensory elements.
Thank you for following the story.
Debi
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💖
Comment from lancellot
This is very good. You did a great job of showing the story and including multiple senses as you guilt the scene and walked with us through it. I felt like I was watching it in my mind. Great editing too.
notes:
Then he looked back at Lynx. "Let's head to the cottage."
- Why does he say this, if he meant for Lynx to go to the cottage.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2023
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This is very good. You did a great job of showing the story and including multiple senses as you guilt the scene and walked with us through it. I felt like I was watching it in my mind. Great editing too.
notes:
Then he looked back at Lynx. "Let's head to the cottage."
- Why does he say this, if he meant for Lynx to go to the cottage.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2023
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Hi lancellot,
Thank you for the six stars and the supportive comments about the writing. That you could watch the scene in your mind is encouraging.
I appreciate you asking the question. I cut a section out of the chapter and the sentence doesn't fit the scene as it is now. I'll go back and change it.
Thank you for stopping by to read and help me improve my writing.
Debi
Comment from Sarah Das Gupta
You have succeeded in creating an atmosphere of magic and tension here. The reader is fully engaged with whether Lynx will become proficient on the sling. How is his father going to re-act to the combination of music and magic?
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2023
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You have succeeded in creating an atmosphere of magic and tension here. The reader is fully engaged with whether Lynx will become proficient on the sling. How is his father going to re-act to the combination of music and magic?
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2023
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Hi Sarah Das Gupta,
Thank you for the kind analysis and encouragment. I appreciate you taking time to read and review.
Debi
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Good wishes from Cambridge, UK
Comment from Destiny Awaits Darling
As someone who usually doesn't read many writings in the 'fantasy' genre-- I really appreciate that you've taken the time to explain each creature, in-depth, in your 'author's notes' section! This shows to me how much you truly care about your readers, & their understanding of your work-- even the 'fantasy novice'; 'atypical' ones like me.
I kind of came across this at a random point, and I honestly don't know if I'll go back and read all of the previous parts (not because of YOU, or your very-obvious skill!)-- just because I don't really have the time, but I did just want to comment and give you some encouragement for this part because you DESERVE it. :)
I think what I like most about your writing style is that it's so easy to read. I don't mean this in a 'simplistic' way, but rather, I'm talking about how effortlessly your tone, and the quality of your writing pulls your reader into the story, alongside the characters. That is a gift that I find so admirable!
Definitely keep working on this story! Keep showing your readers how much you value them, through your efforts in creating a connection with them. Never, for one moment, doubt that you are a WRITER-- a REAL one; whether you are published, or not. Lastly, be proud of yourself! I'm a stranger, but I'm proud of you! I believe in you. Believe in YOURSELF, and you will be UNSTOPPABLE. <3
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2023
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As someone who usually doesn't read many writings in the 'fantasy' genre-- I really appreciate that you've taken the time to explain each creature, in-depth, in your 'author's notes' section! This shows to me how much you truly care about your readers, & their understanding of your work-- even the 'fantasy novice'; 'atypical' ones like me.
I kind of came across this at a random point, and I honestly don't know if I'll go back and read all of the previous parts (not because of YOU, or your very-obvious skill!)-- just because I don't really have the time, but I did just want to comment and give you some encouragement for this part because you DESERVE it. :)
I think what I like most about your writing style is that it's so easy to read. I don't mean this in a 'simplistic' way, but rather, I'm talking about how effortlessly your tone, and the quality of your writing pulls your reader into the story, alongside the characters. That is a gift that I find so admirable!
Definitely keep working on this story! Keep showing your readers how much you value them, through your efforts in creating a connection with them. Never, for one moment, doubt that you are a WRITER-- a REAL one; whether you are published, or not. Lastly, be proud of yourself! I'm a stranger, but I'm proud of you! I believe in you. Believe in YOURSELF, and you will be UNSTOPPABLE. <3
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2023
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Hi Destiny Awaits Darling (what a fantastic name!),
First, thank you for taking time to review a story in progress. Not many people would jump in at chapter 45, especially in a genre they don't usually read.
Second, don't worry about going back. I completely about time contraints. I appreciate you dedicating time to this one!
Third, I appreciate the encouraging comments about the writing and valuing my readers. I needed to hear that right now so THANK YOU so much!
Debi
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You?re so welcome, lovely!!! I am so glad that my sincere words of encouragement could resonate with you so deeply, and at the perfect time! :) Thank you so much for noticing my username, and complimenting it <3 my hope is that it is an encouraging message to anyone who reads it, and it means so much to me to know that you ?got it.? 💜 I hope you have a fantastic day, Debi! Never give up? keep being YOU; the world needs your unique voice and light. ☺️
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I am so overjoyed that I could provide you with the encouragement that you desperately needed! I am honored to know you, and to have come across your work! Definitely keep writing? never give up! :)
Comment from royowen
Lynx asks his papa if it's time to learn the sling, because if one can master it, it's a surer way of hitting a target accurately. All of of a sudden he instincts are aroused by a strange and interesting aroma and vibration, music and magic it must be
Piper, how interesting, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2023
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Lynx asks his papa if it's time to learn the sling, because if one can master it, it's a surer way of hitting a target accurately. All of of a sudden he instincts are aroused by a strange and interesting aroma and vibration, music and magic it must be
Piper, how interesting, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2023
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Hi Roy,
Thank you for the kind analysis and encouragement.
Debi
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Most welcome
Comment from Pam (respa)
-An excellent chapter, Debi.
-The focus on Lynx and his father makes the ending that much more foreboding.
-The opening shows a young boy who is eager to learn a new skill and get the approval of his father. He has been studying and wants to make sure his father knows he is serious about learning to use the sling.
-At the same time, his father is patient, kind, and encouraging.
-Then the story takes a turn as "A chill went down Redd-Leif's spin." [you forgot the 'e' on spin]
-You also include the adjectives, "Discordant. Threatening" that lets Redd-Leif know something is wrong.
-You did a good job with this one, although we have to wait to find out what happens next. I wouldn't be surprised if Red-Leif happens to confront Burkehart, but more troubling than that is what has happened to Piper.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2023
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-An excellent chapter, Debi.
-The focus on Lynx and his father makes the ending that much more foreboding.
-The opening shows a young boy who is eager to learn a new skill and get the approval of his father. He has been studying and wants to make sure his father knows he is serious about learning to use the sling.
-At the same time, his father is patient, kind, and encouraging.
-Then the story takes a turn as "A chill went down Redd-Leif's spin." [you forgot the 'e' on spin]
-You also include the adjectives, "Discordant. Threatening" that lets Redd-Leif know something is wrong.
-You did a good job with this one, although we have to wait to find out what happens next. I wouldn't be surprised if Red-Leif happens to confront Burkehart, but more troubling than that is what has happened to Piper.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2023
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Hi Pam,
I am happy to hear you liked this chapter.
Thank youi for the comments about Lynx and Redd-Leif
I appreciate the comments about the adjectives. I like that word 'foreboding' that you used in the beginning. I may exchange Threatening for Foreboding in the chapter.
Sorry about the wait on what happens to Piper, but I needed to get Redd-Leif on his way. LOL
I appreciate the heads up on the misspelling.
Have a great day!
Debi
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You are very welcome for the review and comments, Debi. I am glad some were helpful. I don't like repeating a lot of what a writer says so I think of an equivalent. I'm glad you liked it.
Have a good evening and week ahead.
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You too.
