Beneath the Tranquil Sheen
Be a swan.86 total reviews
Comment from Jim Wile
Beautiful job, Jess. What a lovely poem about the neighboring swan who seems so placid on the surface but is actively keeping herself afloat down below. It rhymes and flows so well and is as graceful as the swan itself.
The only criticism I would have would be the last line which is a little weak. If it were to say something like "This regal swan's persistence." or some other word besides "regal" that you think best describes the swan (and of course has two syllables with the first one accented), I think it would flow better. MM
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2023
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Beautiful job, Jess. What a lovely poem about the neighboring swan who seems so placid on the surface but is actively keeping herself afloat down below. It rhymes and flows so well and is as graceful as the swan itself.
The only criticism I would have would be the last line which is a little weak. If it were to say something like "This regal swan's persistence." or some other word besides "regal" that you think best describes the swan (and of course has two syllables with the first one accented), I think it would flow better. MM
Comment Written 05-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much, Jim!
I just read it back- you're absolutely right. Thank you for the awesome suggestion, MM! I will revisit.
Xo
Jess
Comment from Cherish Adams
Love this picture and poem. You have expressed beautifully her poise and elegance. Not just in a physical nature but her inner strength which is beautiful as well. Well done. And you're absolutely correct - "imagine our existence". Cherish
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2023
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Love this picture and poem. You have expressed beautifully her poise and elegance. Not just in a physical nature but her inner strength which is beautiful as well. Well done. And you're absolutely correct - "imagine our existence". Cherish
Comment Written 05-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2023
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Thank you, Cherish! I truly appreciate it.
Xo
Jessica
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Love the sentiment in your fine swan story Jessica. This is touching and magical and I adore swans and they are of course protected by the crown in England. I wish you luck with the contest. Your poem is well rhymed with perfect metre, a joy to read.
Just one suggestion for this line, attire has only two syllables, so for the sake of metre and syllable count, I suggest you add (is) here.
(Attire (is) pure and white),
Love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2023
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Love the sentiment in your fine swan story Jessica. This is touching and magical and I adore swans and they are of course protected by the crown in England. I wish you luck with the contest. Your poem is well rhymed with perfect metre, a joy to read.
Just one suggestion for this line, attire has only two syllables, so for the sake of metre and syllable count, I suggest you add (is) here.
(Attire (is) pure and white),
Love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 05-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2023
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Dolly, thank you so much for your feedback and stars! I am so pleased you enjoyed it.
Excellent catch. I will edit with that suggestion.
Thank you again!
Xoxo
Jessica
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You are most welcome Jessica x x x
Comment from Mia Twysted
That is a beautiful poem. It gives the reader hope and encouragement to keep going forward even when things get rough. It is an amazing picture as well. I wish I could have seen it in person.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2023
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That is a beautiful poem. It gives the reader hope and encouragement to keep going forward even when things get rough. It is an amazing picture as well. I wish I could have seen it in person.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much! I truly appreciate it.
Xo Jessica
Comment from Douglas Goff
This had a wonderfully rhythmic flow to it. I do often wonder if they really only chose a me partner or if they can live on after loss.
Interesting dynamics to this piece.
D
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reply by the author on 05-Jun-2023
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This had a wonderfully rhythmic flow to it. I do often wonder if they really only chose a me partner or if they can live on after loss.
Interesting dynamics to this piece.
D
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2023
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Thank you! I appreciate your feedback!
Xo
Jessica
Comment from Mrs. KT
Hello, Jessica,
The imagery - both emotive and visual - in your well-crafted poetic offering is stunning.
The rhymes are fluid - much like the graceful movements of a swan...
A few edits to consider - offered with the deepest caring and respect:
~ I stumbled a bit on the following line - imagining what "down the bottom" means: "And down the bottom, you can find..." Perhaps: At the bottom?
~Somethings (Some things) are not as they appear,
~When troubles come, stay on your path
Imagine our (your) existence. (To stay consistent with the above, "your path." OR Stay on THE path... Imagine OUR existence
Just a lovely rendering.
Best Wishes!
diane
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reply by the author on 05-Jun-2023
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Hello, Jessica,
The imagery - both emotive and visual - in your well-crafted poetic offering is stunning.
The rhymes are fluid - much like the graceful movements of a swan...
A few edits to consider - offered with the deepest caring and respect:
~ I stumbled a bit on the following line - imagining what "down the bottom" means: "And down the bottom, you can find..." Perhaps: At the bottom?
~Somethings (Some things) are not as they appear,
~When troubles come, stay on your path
Imagine our (your) existence. (To stay consistent with the above, "your path." OR Stay on THE path... Imagine OUR existence
Just a lovely rendering.
Best Wishes!
diane
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much for your review and excellent suggestions, Diane! I am extremely grateful to you and value your feedback. I've made those edits.
Xoxo
Jess
