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Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Choices, Cultures, Chaos"A Flash Fiction Collection
30 total reviews
Comment from Bruce Carrington
"Not trash, Jay. We voted to give low-income families a chance to raise their kids in a better environment than we grew up in. We voted to give people what we have."
I didn't find this piece sounding natural. I understand the point behind showing the calmness of the wife trying to pacify the situation, but it doesn't sound like a part of a real-life dialogue, rather a cheap commercial encouraging people to vote, written by a screenwriter who gave up on his Hollywood career.
Why it bothers me is that we have an absolute masterpiece of a response right afterwards:
"Goddamn gun-toting tattooed sixteen-year-old kids telling me I gotta come back later to get my mail. My mail. In my mailroom. Kids, Tameka. Little ghetto, nappy-headed, empty-headed, fatherless niggas."
I chuckled because all I saw was Denzel Washington spitting at me this wonderful monologue. Now that felt natural and real.
Your story is very moving, especially the dynamics between two people loving each other with one side being prone to anger outbursts at the injustices of the world, and the second one being there, trying to calm the other. It reminded me of my grandparents - grandma always a safe harbor to my pa's stormy ocean.
I think I would have used the sixth star on something else because I don't see it available. If it were, I'd immediately use it. Exceptional story, Sir. I'm on my way to read the FAQ and note down to be more careful with using the top rating while wishing you a great day.
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"Not trash, Jay. We voted to give low-income families a chance to raise their kids in a better environment than we grew up in. We voted to give people what we have."
I didn't find this piece sounding natural. I understand the point behind showing the calmness of the wife trying to pacify the situation, but it doesn't sound like a part of a real-life dialogue, rather a cheap commercial encouraging people to vote, written by a screenwriter who gave up on his Hollywood career.
Why it bothers me is that we have an absolute masterpiece of a response right afterwards:
"Goddamn gun-toting tattooed sixteen-year-old kids telling me I gotta come back later to get my mail. My mail. In my mailroom. Kids, Tameka. Little ghetto, nappy-headed, empty-headed, fatherless niggas."
I chuckled because all I saw was Denzel Washington spitting at me this wonderful monologue. Now that felt natural and real.
Your story is very moving, especially the dynamics between two people loving each other with one side being prone to anger outbursts at the injustices of the world, and the second one being there, trying to calm the other. It reminded me of my grandparents - grandma always a safe harbor to my pa's stormy ocean.
I think I would have used the sixth star on something else because I don't see it available. If it were, I'd immediately use it. Exceptional story, Sir. I'm on my way to read the FAQ and note down to be more careful with using the top rating while wishing you a great day.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2023
Comment from GWHARGIS
Damn. I wish I had a six left. This deserves it. You have captured the anger, disillusionment and even regret of this man. I see all kinds of people coming into the pharmacy. All races and different ages. When you look at life as if the higher the body count( figuratively speaking) the more power you have, it's a sad day for all around you. This was dantastic. So raw and emotional. Leaving that word out would have made it too Hallmark. Really good. Gretchen
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Damn. I wish I had a six left. This deserves it. You have captured the anger, disillusionment and even regret of this man. I see all kinds of people coming into the pharmacy. All races and different ages. When you look at life as if the higher the body count( figuratively speaking) the more power you have, it's a sad day for all around you. This was dantastic. So raw and emotional. Leaving that word out would have made it too Hallmark. Really good. Gretchen
Comment Written 01-Aug-2023
Comment from estory
This was powerful. The raw language captures the emotions here, and the back and forth between husband and wife really symbolizes the two different ways of looking at the problem of dealing with ghetto issues. There's the older man who just wants to live out his life in peace, who is fed up with being disrespected. And there's the woman who believes in giving the young people a chance, and in between them is the dilemma. It is unresolved here because at the end, the man seems to see the thugs coming after him no matter where he moves. So are we victims of our times? our own culture? That is the question this story seems to ask. estory
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This was powerful. The raw language captures the emotions here, and the back and forth between husband and wife really symbolizes the two different ways of looking at the problem of dealing with ghetto issues. There's the older man who just wants to live out his life in peace, who is fed up with being disrespected. And there's the woman who believes in giving the young people a chance, and in between them is the dilemma. It is unresolved here because at the end, the man seems to see the thugs coming after him no matter where he moves. So are we victims of our times? our own culture? That is the question this story seems to ask. estory
Comment Written 01-Aug-2023
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, Choices, Culture, Chaos, finds that no good deed goes unpunished. The best intensions to improve people's lots in life sometimes reveals why there were distances kept in the first place. It would be great if everyone was grateful, friendly, and interested in progress.
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This story, Choices, Culture, Chaos, finds that no good deed goes unpunished. The best intensions to improve people's lots in life sometimes reveals why there were distances kept in the first place. It would be great if everyone was grateful, friendly, and interested in progress.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2023
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
You are perfectly right, Lance. The language in this story belongs there. It wouldn't sound right if you 'niced' it up. And I can understand the rage Jaylen was feeling, anyone would feel that way seeing what they'd tried to build is destroyed by yobs. White or black, all colours, those yobs are there doing the same thing as those in this story. This is so well written, the story so believable, because it is happening everyday somewhere in the world. You have to sympathise with both Jaylen and his wife. Well done, my friend. Sandra xx
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You are perfectly right, Lance. The language in this story belongs there. It wouldn't sound right if you 'niced' it up. And I can understand the rage Jaylen was feeling, anyone would feel that way seeing what they'd tried to build is destroyed by yobs. White or black, all colours, those yobs are there doing the same thing as those in this story. This is so well written, the story so believable, because it is happening everyday somewhere in the world. You have to sympathise with both Jaylen and his wife. Well done, my friend. Sandra xx
Comment Written 01-Aug-2023
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Adored your author's notes and you are one hundred percent correct my friend. Loved the exceptional story and the way the characters bounced off one another throughout the piece!
Thank you for sharing this well written and well thought out work! Many blessings to you and your family;-)
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Adored your author's notes and you are one hundred percent correct my friend. Loved the exceptional story and the way the characters bounced off one another throughout the piece!
Thank you for sharing this well written and well thought out work! Many blessings to you and your family;-)
Comment Written 01-Aug-2023
Comment from Gloria ....
Of course it happens, and in Canada too. Especially with the Indians, but solving these kinds of social genocide and inequities take a very long time to recover from. Centuries, even millennia as the marginalized races continue to drink themselves into oblivion and sniff substances from brown paper bags destroying themselves, their heritage, their families and their children while they are discriminated against. People who help, and yes they do help, often throw up their hands in exasperation saying, "What is the point when "they" just carry on doing damage?"
Jaylen gave up far too soon, but it is completely understandable, especially when property values drop so significantly and gangs are mounting in contradiction of his belief of what they should be doing given the opportunity they were provided with.
Effecting social change is not for sissies, because you will be met with decades and decades and decades of never-ending failure and disappointment. But, in my opinion it must be done and in the end it will be worth the sacrifice. It just might not occur in our lifetime.
Sorry you were incorrectly DQed by the CEC, but it is not everyone who understands this struggle, and how it is a prime example of trying to help someone and that help is rebuffed.
As always a good write to provoke thought.
Gloria
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Of course it happens, and in Canada too. Especially with the Indians, but solving these kinds of social genocide and inequities take a very long time to recover from. Centuries, even millennia as the marginalized races continue to drink themselves into oblivion and sniff substances from brown paper bags destroying themselves, their heritage, their families and their children while they are discriminated against. People who help, and yes they do help, often throw up their hands in exasperation saying, "What is the point when "they" just carry on doing damage?"
Jaylen gave up far too soon, but it is completely understandable, especially when property values drop so significantly and gangs are mounting in contradiction of his belief of what they should be doing given the opportunity they were provided with.
Effecting social change is not for sissies, because you will be met with decades and decades and decades of never-ending failure and disappointment. But, in my opinion it must be done and in the end it will be worth the sacrifice. It just might not occur in our lifetime.
Sorry you were incorrectly DQed by the CEC, but it is not everyone who understands this struggle, and how it is a prime example of trying to help someone and that help is rebuffed.
As always a good write to provoke thought.
Gloria
Comment Written 01-Aug-2023
Comment from Thesis
I agree with your assessment of the contextual usage of the word. Although considered taboo to many, it adds to the story by showing the character's anger and frustration of the situation and those involved in devolving the security and peace of the neighborhood. Well done.
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I agree with your assessment of the contextual usage of the word. Although considered taboo to many, it adds to the story by showing the character's anger and frustration of the situation and those involved in devolving the security and peace of the neighborhood. Well done.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
Comment from Wayne Fowler
I, for one, agree with you about context, and even more so about dialogue. Authentic is authentic. And fake sucks.
Myself, I would write the 'N' word, ever. But that's mostly because I'm not black and no matter how it's done, I think it's too disrespectful (for me) to say it. I'd say fuck first, and I don't put that in stories, either. (smiley face here)
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I, for one, agree with you about context, and even more so about dialogue. Authentic is authentic. And fake sucks.
Myself, I would write the 'N' word, ever. But that's mostly because I'm not black and no matter how it's done, I think it's too disrespectful (for me) to say it. I'd say fuck first, and I don't put that in stories, either. (smiley face here)
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
Comment from Jim Wile
This was another very good, honest stance on current issues plaguing our society. I admire your ability to get right to the nub of things and the fearlessness in your approach. We can always expect honesty with no waffling from you, Lance, and your analyses are always right on.
You seem to see things from much more than just a black-white perspective, but see the deeper problems--being ignorance, the willingness of many liberals to tolerate bad behavior for fear of being seen as racists, the epidemic of low expectations, and fatherlessness in the home. Things will not change until some of these things change.
I'm glad there's someone like you here at FS who's not afraid to voice his opinion on these subjects and shed some much needed light on them.
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This was another very good, honest stance on current issues plaguing our society. I admire your ability to get right to the nub of things and the fearlessness in your approach. We can always expect honesty with no waffling from you, Lance, and your analyses are always right on.
You seem to see things from much more than just a black-white perspective, but see the deeper problems--being ignorance, the willingness of many liberals to tolerate bad behavior for fear of being seen as racists, the epidemic of low expectations, and fatherlessness in the home. Things will not change until some of these things change.
I'm glad there's someone like you here at FS who's not afraid to voice his opinion on these subjects and shed some much needed light on them.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
