Train Going Somewhere
Monorhyme dreams3 total reviews
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This is a difficult brief and I think you achieved it well with unforced rhyme and a smooth, pleasing rhythm rather evocative of that of the train. I like the freedom of the ride with the repetition of the "going somewhere." There are a couple of small edits: third line from the bottom - unnecessary 'the' and next line down - 'breathe.' Well done and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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This is a difficult brief and I think you achieved it well with unforced rhyme and a smooth, pleasing rhythm rather evocative of that of the train. I like the freedom of the ride with the repetition of the "going somewhere." There are a couple of small edits: third line from the bottom - unnecessary 'the' and next line down - 'breathe.' Well done and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 30-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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Thank you for the review and for pointing out the edits. Actually I found a few more tweaks to make when I looked at it. Thank you.
Comment from Lea Tonin1
A nice poem is a really cool idea. And you have moments of brilliance throughout and some interesting word choices. And most of your sentence structures are pretty good!
One thing I did notice. Last stanza third line from the bottom " To see the from my window" I believe it's grammatically incorrectly might wish to change it.
Also notice that thread your lines in with the word "somewhere" Consider switching up or rewriting two of these three lines rather than a repeating it. Your poem has ceased to be a really great 1 with a couple tweaks that I mentioned should you choose to make those changes I will update your rating to be in line with your changes whatever you choose. I hope this helped you. I wish you the best of luck in the contest and that your day is amazing!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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A nice poem is a really cool idea. And you have moments of brilliance throughout and some interesting word choices. And most of your sentence structures are pretty good!
One thing I did notice. Last stanza third line from the bottom " To see the from my window" I believe it's grammatically incorrectly might wish to change it.
Also notice that thread your lines in with the word "somewhere" Consider switching up or rewriting two of these three lines rather than a repeating it. Your poem has ceased to be a really great 1 with a couple tweaks that I mentioned should you choose to make those changes I will update your rating to be in line with your changes whatever you choose. I hope this helped you. I wish you the best of luck in the contest and that your day is amazing!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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Thank you so very much for the help you have given me. I have gone back and done a bit of tweaking. I like it better now and hope you do too.
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Anytime Ive had look, it's very much better for sure. I've upped your rating. Thank you, have yourself a Good Night.
Comment from w.j.debi
What a fun poem about the yearning to ride the train just for the joy of riding the train. The destination is not important, just the ride.
Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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What a fun poem about the yearning to ride the train just for the joy of riding the train. The destination is not important, just the ride.
Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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Thank you. Can you tell I'm getting in a restless, tired of this hot summer mood?
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I?ll second that. Something cooler, please!
