Paradise Isle
Bermuda, My Island Home4 total reviews
Comment from Douglas Goff
I spent time reviewing some of your older works. I really enjoy a lot of the animal pieces. This one about Bermuda painted an awesome picture of your home. I usually save a Saturday six star for a piece that I feel deserved one but was overlooked.
Not only was this contest winner well-written, but it is deserving of a six, so here it is. Another wrong righted. I hope you are having a great weekend, my friend.
Douglas
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I spent time reviewing some of your older works. I really enjoy a lot of the animal pieces. This one about Bermuda painted an awesome picture of your home. I usually save a Saturday six star for a piece that I feel deserved one but was overlooked.
Not only was this contest winner well-written, but it is deserving of a six, so here it is. Another wrong righted. I hope you are having a great weekend, my friend.
Douglas
Comment Written 30-Dec-2023
Comment from Mario PIERRE
Hey Bermuda man!!!!! I'm so happy to see you on the highest podium, really!!!! I don't know if you recall my name or who I am, but I have been following your work all the time, and now, look at you!!!
Way to go, my man!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2023
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Hey Bermuda man!!!!! I'm so happy to see you on the highest podium, really!!!! I don't know if you recall my name or who I am, but I have been following your work all the time, and now, look at you!!!
Way to go, my man!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comment Written 20-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2023
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Mario,
Thank you for your review and congratulations on the win. I appreciate your continued support.
All the best,
Eugene
Comment from Paul Manton
Hello my friend. I'm sure we have met before. I love the poem, but it needs some redirection to make it a winner: you have some repetition, odd metering and too many syllables in three lines. (I will suggest a fix for all of them)
In verse one, you have 'life' twice in lines 1 and 2 - that's an unnecessary repetition (but if that's what you want, keep it) and I suggest:
'On the island, all is complete,
The pace of life is hard to beat . .' The rest of verse one is great.
Verse 2: 'sway and sway' - not sure if 'bend and sway' isn't better - or find another 's' beginning word for alliteration? "The sound of waves . . ' has 9 syllables - you need to lose one - just lose 'is'. Simple.
Verse 3: 'the rhythm of life . . .' puts stress on an unstressed syllable - but the count is ok, so no changes unless you think of something better.
Verse 4: Problems with lines 1,2,3! You have nine syllables in line 1 and 2
Try: 'On the island, our life is sweet,
A place where mem'ries are complete,
A magic place where I explore, (emphasis was on unstressed word)
A paradise that I adore.'
That should fix it.
Best wishes in the competition.
Paul
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2023
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Hello my friend. I'm sure we have met before. I love the poem, but it needs some redirection to make it a winner: you have some repetition, odd metering and too many syllables in three lines. (I will suggest a fix for all of them)
In verse one, you have 'life' twice in lines 1 and 2 - that's an unnecessary repetition (but if that's what you want, keep it) and I suggest:
'On the island, all is complete,
The pace of life is hard to beat . .' The rest of verse one is great.
Verse 2: 'sway and sway' - not sure if 'bend and sway' isn't better - or find another 's' beginning word for alliteration? "The sound of waves . . ' has 9 syllables - you need to lose one - just lose 'is'. Simple.
Verse 3: 'the rhythm of life . . .' puts stress on an unstressed syllable - but the count is ok, so no changes unless you think of something better.
Verse 4: Problems with lines 1,2,3! You have nine syllables in line 1 and 2
Try: 'On the island, our life is sweet,
A place where mem'ries are complete,
A magic place where I explore, (emphasis was on unstressed word)
A paradise that I adore.'
That should fix it.
Best wishes in the competition.
Paul
Comment Written 16-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2023
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Paul,
Thank you for your helpful review. I am an novice aspiring poet with no formal training in writing in meter. My understanding of how to write in meter is a continued work in progress. It is often hit or miss. I noted your comments and made a number of changes accordingly.
All the best,
Eugene
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Glad to be of help, my friend.
Comment from Eleri
This poem gives a beautiful description of a lovely island. It makes me want to go there. The repeating line is good but the third line of the second stanza is nine beats not eight, as are the first and second lines of your last stanza. As, I believe, all of the lines in this poem must have eight syllables you ideally need to do some editing before the contest cut-off time. Also, you have used 'complete' twice as an end rhyme so the poem would be improved by finding something else to replace one of those. I do like this poem though and I am sure that it will do well in the contest
Eleri
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2023
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This poem gives a beautiful description of a lovely island. It makes me want to go there. The repeating line is good but the third line of the second stanza is nine beats not eight, as are the first and second lines of your last stanza. As, I believe, all of the lines in this poem must have eight syllables you ideally need to do some editing before the contest cut-off time. Also, you have used 'complete' twice as an end rhyme so the poem would be improved by finding something else to replace one of those. I do like this poem though and I am sure that it will do well in the contest
Eleri
Comment Written 16-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2023
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Eleri,
Thank you for your review. I am an novice aspiring poet with no formal training in writing in meter. My understanding of how to write in meter is a continued work in progress. It is often hit or miss. I've noted your comments and revised the poem and made the needed changes to the syllable count to meet the contest requirements.
All the best,
Eugene