Dearest Juan part 3
Penpals as children fall in love as adults2 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
I went back and read the previous chapter, looking for context for all of this. I will be honest with you and give you a straightforward review. Nothing is meant to demean or insult. Most don't want the truth on FanStory anymore. So, if you desire, I will stop reviewing at this chapter. (Yes, I scanned the others and they are in need of revisions too). This chapter isn't good. Things are rushed and seem unresearched and stretches credibility. Major revisions are needed.
I see by your bio that you are from San Francisco. You are aware of how criminal justice is very, well, less strict, in California as compared with other states, right?
Also, do you know how much a brick of cocaine would be worth? To spend all that, to frame your child. Why? The likelihood of a police search at the Greyhound, in LA is slim.
notes:
I grab my backpack and enter the living room to find my mom watching her Novels.
-I grab my backpack and enter the living room to find my mom watching her soaps.
"Are you leaving now?" She asks.
-"Are you leaving now?" she asks.
"Yes," I say with a smile.
- You use too many speech tags, and usually the same one. They aren't needed in a back and forth two person conversation
I have no one here for me. My brothers and {sistersdon't} give a shit about me.
-I have no one here for me. My brothers and sisters don't give a shit about me.
"Bye, Johnny-Boy. Don't do anything stupid. Don't think with your dick and get that girl pregnant." She says, pushing me out of the way of the TV,
-"Bye, Johnny-Boy. Don't do anything stupid. Don't think with your dick and get that girl pregnant," she says, pushing me out of the way of the TV.
"What's up, bro," Fabian smiles.
-"What's up, bro." Fabian smiles.
Note: It's your story but it seems odd, that the families know so much about what the teens are doing or know or feel. It was also odd Valentina knew about Juan's sexual partners. Why would he (a man/boy) divulge any of that?
"Hey, calm the fuck down, both of you. Get in the fucking car now." Dad says, laughing. I text Valentina on the way to the bus station, letting her know I'm going to the Greyhound Station.
-"Hey, calm the fuck down, both of you. Get in the fucking car now," Dad says, laughing.
I text Valentina on the way to the bus station, letting her know I'm going to the Greyhound Station.
(Wait. Why doesn't he drive his car?)
I noticepolice and their drug-sniffing German shepherds looking around; This is
-I notice police and their drug-sniffing German shepherds looking around. This is
"Good job, Tilly," he says. "Can I search your bags?" I have nothing to hide, so I nod. "You need to tell me yes, kid, verbally."
-"Good job, Tilly," he says. "Can I search your bags?"
I have nothing to hide, so I nod. (An 18 Hispanic male would say yes? In America?)
"You need to tell me yes, kid, verbally."
"You sure about that?" He asks as he turns around.
-"You sure about that?" he asks as he turns around.
"Put your hands behind your back. You're under arrest for being in possession of a narcotic with an intention to sell," the cops says.
What the fuck who's is that shit.
-What the fuck? Who's shit is that?
"Shut up, kid, and keep walking." The cop yells.
-"Shut up, kid, and keep walking," the cop yells.
"Yeah," I say. He puts in a code.
"I thought you didn't know anyone's number," he laughs.
-"Yeah," I say.
He puts in a code.
"I thought you didn't know anyone's number." He laughs.
"No, you need to stay there. If you didn't do it, stay there, and they will let you come out." She says.
"Mom, please. I didn't do it." I say, almost in tears. The call disconnects.
-"No, you need to stay there. If you didn't do it, stay there, and they will let you come out," she says.
"Mom, please. I didn't do it," I say, almost in tears. The call disconnects.
I still haven't heard from any lawyers two weeks later.
-What country is he in again?
I got put in solitary; today was the first day they let me out. I look like shit, and I have lost weight because the food is complete shit.
- Okay, I will have to interject here. He is in LA, California. No. This is where you have jumped the shark. I would really advise more research.
"An hour! This is the first time that anyone has spoken to me." I say.
"An hour! This is the first time that anyone has spoken to me," I say.
"Who is they?" He asks, but he already knows that I won't say. I'm no rat,
-"Who is they?" he asks, but he already knows that I won't say. I'm no rat,
(What? No rat. This is his first time in trouble. First time in jail. Framed and abandoned by his family. That he hates and who clearly hates him. No rat? )
"I hope not, but let's keep our fingers crossed. Today we find out everything, your sentencing if there is one, or if you are free to leave."
- No. No. It doesn't work like this.
I look at Marshall,and I'm fighting my emotions.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2023
   |
I went back and read the previous chapter, looking for context for all of this. I will be honest with you and give you a straightforward review. Nothing is meant to demean or insult. Most don't want the truth on FanStory anymore. So, if you desire, I will stop reviewing at this chapter. (Yes, I scanned the others and they are in need of revisions too). This chapter isn't good. Things are rushed and seem unresearched and stretches credibility. Major revisions are needed.
I see by your bio that you are from San Francisco. You are aware of how criminal justice is very, well, less strict, in California as compared with other states, right?
Also, do you know how much a brick of cocaine would be worth? To spend all that, to frame your child. Why? The likelihood of a police search at the Greyhound, in LA is slim.
notes:
I grab my backpack and enter the living room to find my mom watching her Novels.
-I grab my backpack and enter the living room to find my mom watching her soaps.
"Are you leaving now?" She asks.
-"Are you leaving now?" she asks.
"Yes," I say with a smile.
- You use too many speech tags, and usually the same one. They aren't needed in a back and forth two person conversation
I have no one here for me. My brothers and {sistersdon't} give a shit about me.
-I have no one here for me. My brothers and sisters don't give a shit about me.
"Bye, Johnny-Boy. Don't do anything stupid. Don't think with your dick and get that girl pregnant." She says, pushing me out of the way of the TV,
-"Bye, Johnny-Boy. Don't do anything stupid. Don't think with your dick and get that girl pregnant," she says, pushing me out of the way of the TV.
"What's up, bro," Fabian smiles.
-"What's up, bro." Fabian smiles.
Note: It's your story but it seems odd, that the families know so much about what the teens are doing or know or feel. It was also odd Valentina knew about Juan's sexual partners. Why would he (a man/boy) divulge any of that?
"Hey, calm the fuck down, both of you. Get in the fucking car now." Dad says, laughing. I text Valentina on the way to the bus station, letting her know I'm going to the Greyhound Station.
-"Hey, calm the fuck down, both of you. Get in the fucking car now," Dad says, laughing.
I text Valentina on the way to the bus station, letting her know I'm going to the Greyhound Station.
(Wait. Why doesn't he drive his car?)
I noticepolice and their drug-sniffing German shepherds looking around; This is
-I notice police and their drug-sniffing German shepherds looking around. This is
"Good job, Tilly," he says. "Can I search your bags?" I have nothing to hide, so I nod. "You need to tell me yes, kid, verbally."
-"Good job, Tilly," he says. "Can I search your bags?"
I have nothing to hide, so I nod. (An 18 Hispanic male would say yes? In America?)
"You need to tell me yes, kid, verbally."
"You sure about that?" He asks as he turns around.
-"You sure about that?" he asks as he turns around.
"Put your hands behind your back. You're under arrest for being in possession of a narcotic with an intention to sell," the cops says.
What the fuck who's is that shit.
-What the fuck? Who's shit is that?
"Shut up, kid, and keep walking." The cop yells.
-"Shut up, kid, and keep walking," the cop yells.
"Yeah," I say. He puts in a code.
"I thought you didn't know anyone's number," he laughs.
-"Yeah," I say.
He puts in a code.
"I thought you didn't know anyone's number." He laughs.
"No, you need to stay there. If you didn't do it, stay there, and they will let you come out." She says.
"Mom, please. I didn't do it." I say, almost in tears. The call disconnects.
-"No, you need to stay there. If you didn't do it, stay there, and they will let you come out," she says.
"Mom, please. I didn't do it," I say, almost in tears. The call disconnects.
I still haven't heard from any lawyers two weeks later.
-What country is he in again?
I got put in solitary; today was the first day they let me out. I look like shit, and I have lost weight because the food is complete shit.
- Okay, I will have to interject here. He is in LA, California. No. This is where you have jumped the shark. I would really advise more research.
"An hour! This is the first time that anyone has spoken to me." I say.
"An hour! This is the first time that anyone has spoken to me," I say.
"Who is they?" He asks, but he already knows that I won't say. I'm no rat,
-"Who is they?" he asks, but he already knows that I won't say. I'm no rat,
(What? No rat. This is his first time in trouble. First time in jail. Framed and abandoned by his family. That he hates and who clearly hates him. No rat? )
"I hope not, but let's keep our fingers crossed. Today we find out everything, your sentencing if there is one, or if you are free to leave."
- No. No. It doesn't work like this.
I look at Marshall,and I'm fighting my emotions.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2023
-
Thanks
Comment from Lea Tonin1
Wow, that guy got shafted hard. I wouldn't want that on anyone I know. Hope that he gets out of this dance 4 years. Wow crazy. that's gotta be Mexico.
While reading this, I was getting p***** off for the guy I was like. What are you stupid down there? Isn't there due process? Having said that and thoroughly enjoying your work from a to z. I see no grammar errors or esthetics at all. I find it to be a pleasing write. I was engaged from beginning to end great submission. And I hope you have an awesome night!
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2023
|
Wow, that guy got shafted hard. I wouldn't want that on anyone I know. Hope that he gets out of this dance 4 years. Wow crazy. that's gotta be Mexico.
While reading this, I was getting p***** off for the guy I was like. What are you stupid down there? Isn't there due process? Having said that and thoroughly enjoying your work from a to z. I see no grammar errors or esthetics at all. I find it to be a pleasing write. I was engaged from beginning to end great submission. And I hope you have an awesome night!
Comment Written 20-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2023
-
Thank you so much!
