Doors
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Triplets (part 3)"An Encanto fan fic, cause why not.
4 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
I think you have an interesting family story. The issue is that it is difficult to read and understand. You have too many characters, and the overlapping within lines and paragraphs makes it difficult to follow who is doing or saying what.
notes:
Isabela could only watch as her parents took Tío Bruno away. The expression on her mother's face was nothing short of grim. Abuela was looking down at her hands, which she had folded in her lap. Isa's worry increased when she noticed Abuela was whispering something as she rubbed the locket she received from Abuelo all those years ago.
- You should not have multiple character's POV in the same paragraph.
"Please don't ask him." Abuela said.
-"Please don't ask him," Abuela said.
"Tell me you're not leaving too."
- who is speaking here?
"Actually, Isa, I was going to suggest we go to my room. It's so much quieter." Isa became aware of the insect sounds and agreed they were pretty loud.
- In this line. It seems someone is speaking to Isa, then we have action by Isa in the same line. This should not be. It is confusing.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2023
   |
I think you have an interesting family story. The issue is that it is difficult to read and understand. You have too many characters, and the overlapping within lines and paragraphs makes it difficult to follow who is doing or saying what.
notes:
Isabela could only watch as her parents took Tío Bruno away. The expression on her mother's face was nothing short of grim. Abuela was looking down at her hands, which she had folded in her lap. Isa's worry increased when she noticed Abuela was whispering something as she rubbed the locket she received from Abuelo all those years ago.
- You should not have multiple character's POV in the same paragraph.
"Please don't ask him." Abuela said.
-"Please don't ask him," Abuela said.
"Tell me you're not leaving too."
- who is speaking here?
"Actually, Isa, I was going to suggest we go to my room. It's so much quieter." Isa became aware of the insect sounds and agreed they were pretty loud.
- In this line. It seems someone is speaking to Isa, then we have action by Isa in the same line. This should not be. It is confusing.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2023
-
Thanks, I appreciate you taking the time to review.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hi Achitka,
This is the first of your work I remember reviewing. You have an excellent style that is engaging. I watched the movie several years ago, so don't remember the entire storyline, which actually works out with reading Fan Fiction. That way your work is fresh and new.
From what I can remember, your story is in keeping with the original. Your writing is flawless and professional. Thank you for sharing,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2023
|
Hi Achitka,
This is the first of your work I remember reviewing. You have an excellent style that is engaging. I watched the movie several years ago, so don't remember the entire storyline, which actually works out with reading Fan Fiction. That way your work is fresh and new.
From what I can remember, your story is in keeping with the original. Your writing is flawless and professional. Thank you for sharing,
Rhonda
Comment Written 29-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2023
-
Thanks for the kind words, I do so appreciate them!
Comment from EILEEN LAW
This was a nice journey into Hispanic life. Although I am not spanish I have close Ecuadorian friends and through them "Mi espaniol es un puquito" Not sure of spelling but there it is.
Keep writing - I am going to recommend this to my 15 year old daughter.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2023
|
This was a nice journey into Hispanic life. Although I am not spanish I have close Ecuadorian friends and through them "Mi espaniol es un puquito" Not sure of spelling but there it is.
Keep writing - I am going to recommend this to my 15 year old daughter.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2023
-
You are too kind. I appreciate the rating as well :)
Comment from prettybluebirds
I apologize for not understanding what this chapter is about. I must go to your profile and read some of the previous chapters. It is written in an excellent manner, and the dialogue gives the story a smooth flow. I will make it a point to read more of this writing.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2023
|
I apologize for not understanding what this chapter is about. I must go to your profile and read some of the previous chapters. It is written in an excellent manner, and the dialogue gives the story a smooth flow. I will make it a point to read more of this writing.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2023
-
Why thank you for your review. I do so appreciate the kind words.
