Loving Mother Narcissa
My mother/son relationship2 total reviews
Comment from Andrew Cloward
The message of this poem is good and I think the title is perfect. Some of the punctuation chops up the syntax in a way that it doesn't read aloud very smoothly- some conjunctive add-ons could help tie ideas together a bit more.
I wasn't sure what the 'spin my gears' line is meant to represent, it did feel like maybe it was just a helper line to keep the rhyming scheme consistent.
Overall, I like the poem and think it has a strong foundation. With some minor tweaks I believe it could read much more powerfully.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2023
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The message of this poem is good and I think the title is perfect. Some of the punctuation chops up the syntax in a way that it doesn't read aloud very smoothly- some conjunctive add-ons could help tie ideas together a bit more.
I wasn't sure what the 'spin my gears' line is meant to represent, it did feel like maybe it was just a helper line to keep the rhyming scheme consistent.
Overall, I like the poem and think it has a strong foundation. With some minor tweaks I believe it could read much more powerfully.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2023
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Hi Andrew, thanks for your review. I made some changes to my poem based on your recommendations. Please feel free to provide further criticism.
Comment from jim vecchio
As this is based on a song (I always use song cues!) I certainly hope it's not autobiographical. A very well-constructed rhyming poem and the story is told in a format that retains the attention of the reader.
I thought I would have six stars but for some reason I don't, so I have to remain with the 5 stars, though you deserve more. By "autobiographical" I meant I hope you are not having difficulties in real life with your mom. You stated it was based on a song, so I thought it was fiction.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2023
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As this is based on a song (I always use song cues!) I certainly hope it's not autobiographical. A very well-constructed rhyming poem and the story is told in a format that retains the attention of the reader.
I thought I would have six stars but for some reason I don't, so I have to remain with the 5 stars, though you deserve more. By "autobiographical" I meant I hope you are not having difficulties in real life with your mom. You stated it was based on a song, so I thought it was fiction.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2023
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Hello Jim, thanks for your review. I made some changes and would appreciate further criticism. What do you mean by autobiographical?
