The Pacific Railroad
going to add pic eventually3 total reviews
Comment from zanya
Yes a sliver of history expertly entwined in this short format poem about trains and their advent on the horizon and how they have changed history - Happy Christmas
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2023
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Yes a sliver of history expertly entwined in this short format poem about trains and their advent on the horizon and how they have changed history - Happy Christmas
Comment Written 24-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2023
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Thank you for the extra star, glad my words spoke to you.
Merry Christmas !
Let's hope the New Year brings peace.
Keep safe!
Comment from Sugarray77
An excellent job on content and meaning. I would encourage you to close the gap in your presentation. Quatrains are four lines in the same stanza... the way you have presented it is in couplets. The third line is not in iambic meter, but its close... perhaps, something like this... for bison and the native braves, (this also uses 8 syllables instead of the ten you have). Good luck!!
Melissa
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2023
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An excellent job on content and meaning. I would encourage you to close the gap in your presentation. Quatrains are four lines in the same stanza... the way you have presented it is in couplets. The third line is not in iambic meter, but its close... perhaps, something like this... for bison and the native braves, (this also uses 8 syllables instead of the ten you have). Good luck!!
Melissa
Comment Written 22-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2023
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Ciao Sugarray,
Its just by fluke three lines are right , JSD reviewed my poem before you and told me also the third line was wrong and suggested another line but I had to drop : bison
I like your alternative because it mentions both bison and Indians
Thank you for the help at least my entry won?t be disqualified now.
Comment from JSD
It's all right you know. It's iambic except for the third line. So don't draw attention to it and change line 3 to 'but for the native Indians'. That's eight syllables and iambic. You just have to sacrifice the bison! Of course you could have 'it was the ending of the line'? It's great, by the way. Political and stirring. X
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2023
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It's all right you know. It's iambic except for the third line. So don't draw attention to it and change line 3 to 'but for the native Indians'. That's eight syllables and iambic. You just have to sacrifice the bison! Of course you could have 'it was the ending of the line'? It's great, by the way. Political and stirring. X
Comment Written 22-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2023
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I had put my heart at rest but seeing by fluke three lines are right I edited as
How about:
But for Indians and bison
Is that okay?
Either way your sixer is a win in my eyes. ( wink)
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No. The stress is wrong. For iambs you want unstressed followed by stressed. A good line to use as a template from Shakespeare is 'When I do count the clock that tells the time.' Can you feel that? De-dum, de-dum, de-dum etc. x
