Jonathan's Story
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Sheryl's story"Our fostering journey with a severely disabled boy
28 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
A fantastic start. Most of the story introductions I read on here lack a proper hook. You have strong instincts on how to go about it. Here's an idea to amplify it even more:
Move the first sentence further down. "She turned and walked back to her car" is a more intriguing start, because it is a physical action, whereas "after saying goodbye" is a sort of passive voice prepositional phrase, which you can place after "drove home through the rain", which adds more tragedy.
reached under the bench for the bottle <= nice. A precise recipe for creating and gradually fleshing out intrigue.
noise .... <= four dots? If you're trying to create a break, I suggest this:
* * *
(Three stars is the conventional way to notate it)
would soon be there, <= awkward wording. I suggest just going with "however, she could no longer" etc
The inevitable phone call came.
Late Sunday evening she heard her phone ring. <= redundant. Try: ".. phone call came late Sunday evening. She didn't answer it"
Several more times she let it ring out. <= avoid ending on a preposition. It rang several times.
On the Monday morning after a sleepless night, <= skip THE, to make super clear that it was the next day, not some other Monday when she couldn't sleep. Actually it's redundant, so you could just say "after a sleepless night, she called INTO work, FEIGNING illness" (that's how we would say it in the US, at least)
.. "She hung up." <= excellent storytelling
"Then she met Marco" <= before this, you've suddenly dropped whole ton of backstory on the reader. I feel it's too early for that. You did such a good job of building up intrigue. Why not hold onto that tension as long as you can, and show it using Marco as the antonym. You could just skip all that narration for now and go straight to "When she'd met Marco, [she fell hard, or everything had changed, or make up some romantic cliche line, or something]. Then continue what you already wrote about Marco here.
he went to university <= brilliant! shows how a less "educated" person might think, not interested in WHAT university, but just impressed by the big U word. You could even capitalize it if you want, but that would make her sound dumber in comparison, which she is not.
He DID NOT HAVE her toughness <= use "LACKED"
and she did not fit into that world. <= seems a bit on-the-nose. Consider instead a way of saying or showing how it made her feel. You could be super specific. Eg his mother frowned when she put her feet up on the coffee table. Or their house was full of books with titles she could not pronounce. Or she picked up the forks at the place settings in the wrong order. Show what kind of superficial sophistication they have that seems incongruous, if you can, all in one little detail. That ought to get your creative juices going : )
she were his equal <= I think it's "was", not were
They discussed ideas and thoughts. <= if you are comfortable with poetic/fictional narrative, this is a huge opportunity to be much more specific, otherwise you might want to leave this discussion point out entirely. They discussed Chaucer and vehicle lubricant. They discussed attire for sailing and skateboarding. Pick a crazy specific detail from his side and one from hers, and put them in pairs. Take your time with this. It's the first chapter, and your first and best chance to really hook the reader, accentuating the tragedy of the imagined life their child would never have.
about life and philosophies, and values, and people. <= same thing. Don't miss this opportunity to throw little emotional hooks at the reader to make them fall in love with the romantic polar attraction of this relationship.
stronger and stronger <= you don't need this; it's already implied
shallow values <= say what they are, as concisely as possible. Money is not a value. What are they consuming with it?
His parents were of course furious. Sheryl was held responsible for all Marco's choices. <= Seems somewhat redundant, and you already said this basically four paragraphs. Avoid "of course".
"Marriage was never going to be a possibility" already says for you everything you said about his parents' non-approval. I think you could skip all that earlier stuff, and just put this great line on its own paragraph. Boom.
Her pregnancy was inevitable <= if you drop the pronoun, maybe it sounds more like a big event
She had no realisation that anything was wrong with her baby. <= excellent time jump
Marco left them, <= "them" is redundant. The shorter phrase is more brutal. To make to even more brutal, end the paragraph there. The less you say about Marco after, and the less you explain it, the more harsh it will be.
Sheryl was assisted to organise carer's aid from the government. <= this reads as confusing to me, an American. Maybe it makes more sense in Australia?
night-time <= nighttime
This then was Sheryl's predicament. <= not sure you need this
literally losing her mind <= skip "literally" unless there is a literal worm eating away at her brain tissue
Smart move not mentioning the child's name yet.
.. Except, this time she wouldn't. <= excellent; now we know we are back at the beginning
knew she had reached HER breaking point
She would harm him, or worse. Or she would harm herself, or worse. <= simplify. Maybe "she would harm him, or herself." not sure what would be worse than harming a child, so I don't think you need the "or worse".
She was strong and tough, a survivor. She'd always had to be. <= another reason why you don't need that detail earlier, before Marco. Just have it here.
A decision was finally agreed to. <= this is one time that ending on a proposition is alright because it's so common in vernacular speech. If you want to avoid it though, go with "was finally reached."
still too fragile to be his carer. <= caretaker
Firstly, would anyone want him, with his complex needs? Secondly, would they offer him love? <= omit "firstly" and "secondly". It seems too mechanical. And keep this paragraph shorter if you can. Don't let the end of your critical first chapter drag.
She agreed to relinquish him to the new long-term fostering program, filled with fear and grief. <= flip this. "Filled with fear and grief, she agreed" etc
Marco was his father, but the little boy would also have another father. <= unless there are plans for Marco to come back into the picture again (I don't know at this point), try just "he would have another father". It seems better to not even mention Marco by name at this point, to drive home the feeling of abandonment.
We were not told his background. Just that this poor little boy needed a family. <= reword to make it more poetic, and less active passive voice. Eg we know nothing of his background, or no one had told us his background. We only knew that this poor little boy needed a family.
Our new life was beginning too <= omit "too". This includes him in the statement as part of your family from that point onward.
SS
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2024
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A fantastic start. Most of the story introductions I read on here lack a proper hook. You have strong instincts on how to go about it. Here's an idea to amplify it even more:
Move the first sentence further down. "She turned and walked back to her car" is a more intriguing start, because it is a physical action, whereas "after saying goodbye" is a sort of passive voice prepositional phrase, which you can place after "drove home through the rain", which adds more tragedy.
reached under the bench for the bottle <= nice. A precise recipe for creating and gradually fleshing out intrigue.
noise .... <= four dots? If you're trying to create a break, I suggest this:
* * *
(Three stars is the conventional way to notate it)
would soon be there, <= awkward wording. I suggest just going with "however, she could no longer" etc
The inevitable phone call came.
Late Sunday evening she heard her phone ring. <= redundant. Try: ".. phone call came late Sunday evening. She didn't answer it"
Several more times she let it ring out. <= avoid ending on a preposition. It rang several times.
On the Monday morning after a sleepless night, <= skip THE, to make super clear that it was the next day, not some other Monday when she couldn't sleep. Actually it's redundant, so you could just say "after a sleepless night, she called INTO work, FEIGNING illness" (that's how we would say it in the US, at least)
.. "She hung up." <= excellent storytelling
"Then she met Marco" <= before this, you've suddenly dropped whole ton of backstory on the reader. I feel it's too early for that. You did such a good job of building up intrigue. Why not hold onto that tension as long as you can, and show it using Marco as the antonym. You could just skip all that narration for now and go straight to "When she'd met Marco, [she fell hard, or everything had changed, or make up some romantic cliche line, or something]. Then continue what you already wrote about Marco here.
he went to university <= brilliant! shows how a less "educated" person might think, not interested in WHAT university, but just impressed by the big U word. You could even capitalize it if you want, but that would make her sound dumber in comparison, which she is not.
He DID NOT HAVE her toughness <= use "LACKED"
and she did not fit into that world. <= seems a bit on-the-nose. Consider instead a way of saying or showing how it made her feel. You could be super specific. Eg his mother frowned when she put her feet up on the coffee table. Or their house was full of books with titles she could not pronounce. Or she picked up the forks at the place settings in the wrong order. Show what kind of superficial sophistication they have that seems incongruous, if you can, all in one little detail. That ought to get your creative juices going : )
she were his equal <= I think it's "was", not were
They discussed ideas and thoughts. <= if you are comfortable with poetic/fictional narrative, this is a huge opportunity to be much more specific, otherwise you might want to leave this discussion point out entirely. They discussed Chaucer and vehicle lubricant. They discussed attire for sailing and skateboarding. Pick a crazy specific detail from his side and one from hers, and put them in pairs. Take your time with this. It's the first chapter, and your first and best chance to really hook the reader, accentuating the tragedy of the imagined life their child would never have.
about life and philosophies, and values, and people. <= same thing. Don't miss this opportunity to throw little emotional hooks at the reader to make them fall in love with the romantic polar attraction of this relationship.
stronger and stronger <= you don't need this; it's already implied
shallow values <= say what they are, as concisely as possible. Money is not a value. What are they consuming with it?
His parents were of course furious. Sheryl was held responsible for all Marco's choices. <= Seems somewhat redundant, and you already said this basically four paragraphs. Avoid "of course".
"Marriage was never going to be a possibility" already says for you everything you said about his parents' non-approval. I think you could skip all that earlier stuff, and just put this great line on its own paragraph. Boom.
Her pregnancy was inevitable <= if you drop the pronoun, maybe it sounds more like a big event
She had no realisation that anything was wrong with her baby. <= excellent time jump
Marco left them, <= "them" is redundant. The shorter phrase is more brutal. To make to even more brutal, end the paragraph there. The less you say about Marco after, and the less you explain it, the more harsh it will be.
Sheryl was assisted to organise carer's aid from the government. <= this reads as confusing to me, an American. Maybe it makes more sense in Australia?
night-time <= nighttime
This then was Sheryl's predicament. <= not sure you need this
literally losing her mind <= skip "literally" unless there is a literal worm eating away at her brain tissue
Smart move not mentioning the child's name yet.
.. Except, this time she wouldn't. <= excellent; now we know we are back at the beginning
knew she had reached HER breaking point
She would harm him, or worse. Or she would harm herself, or worse. <= simplify. Maybe "she would harm him, or herself." not sure what would be worse than harming a child, so I don't think you need the "or worse".
She was strong and tough, a survivor. She'd always had to be. <= another reason why you don't need that detail earlier, before Marco. Just have it here.
A decision was finally agreed to. <= this is one time that ending on a proposition is alright because it's so common in vernacular speech. If you want to avoid it though, go with "was finally reached."
still too fragile to be his carer. <= caretaker
Firstly, would anyone want him, with his complex needs? Secondly, would they offer him love? <= omit "firstly" and "secondly". It seems too mechanical. And keep this paragraph shorter if you can. Don't let the end of your critical first chapter drag.
She agreed to relinquish him to the new long-term fostering program, filled with fear and grief. <= flip this. "Filled with fear and grief, she agreed" etc
Marco was his father, but the little boy would also have another father. <= unless there are plans for Marco to come back into the picture again (I don't know at this point), try just "he would have another father". It seems better to not even mention Marco by name at this point, to drive home the feeling of abandonment.
We were not told his background. Just that this poor little boy needed a family. <= reword to make it more poetic, and less active passive voice. Eg we know nothing of his background, or no one had told us his background. We only knew that this poor little boy needed a family.
Our new life was beginning too <= omit "too". This includes him in the statement as part of your family from that point onward.
SS
Comment Written 02-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2024
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Thank you so very much! This is exactly the sort of insightful review I need. I have copied and printed it, in order to go through it step by step, thoroughly. Your ideas and suggestions are excellent, and I am excited to see already the improvement they will make. What a pity you are leaving FS (very selfish of me, I know) as your feedback would have been wonderful. His story has only two or three more chapters, and I would love to know what you would have thought of the whole thing. But you have given me much to think about for this first chapter, and I will now go back and scrutinise all the other chapters as well, trying to think along these lines. Many thanks. Very greatly appreciated.
Wendy
Comment from Begin Again
Now once again I wish I had a six.... From the beginning, I assumed this was the story that led up to Jonathan. It's so heartbreaking and well written.
Congratulations on winning in the contest! You deserved it!
Smiles and hugs, Carol
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2024
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Now once again I wish I had a six.... From the beginning, I assumed this was the story that led up to Jonathan. It's so heartbreaking and well written.
Congratulations on winning in the contest! You deserved it!
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment Written 10-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2024
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Thank you very much Carol (your words are most encouraging), especially for reviewing an expired piece. Yes, her story is a sad one.
Wendy
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Hi Wendy, I read you plea for reviewers to check your story, and the little bit about this childs story, and had to come and start at the begining. I can understand Sheryl, she had no experience and knowledge of how to bring up a child, especially one with all those physical handicapts. Yet she loved and cared for him, she didn't just dump him like some would.
I have to read your story, Wendy, and learn more about this child you raised. Well done, this was so well written. Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2024
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Hi Wendy, I read you plea for reviewers to check your story, and the little bit about this childs story, and had to come and start at the begining. I can understand Sheryl, she had no experience and knowledge of how to bring up a child, especially one with all those physical handicapts. Yet she loved and cared for him, she didn't just dump him like some would.
I have to read your story, Wendy, and learn more about this child you raised. Well done, this was so well written. Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 06-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2024
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Sandra, thank you so much. I am honoured that you would do this, and I greatly appreciate that you reviewed this long expired story for two cents. I am touched by your caring and insightful comments, and I hope that as you have time you will be able to read the other chapters (but please don't feel any obligation to review.) Many many thanks for this most encouraging review.
Wendy
Comment from Teri7
Wendy, this was a very well written story about Sheryl. You used great descriptive words and the picture you chose to use looks like it could have been her. Now the last chapter is making more sense. the more I read the more I can understand! love and blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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Wendy, this was a very well written story about Sheryl. You used great descriptive words and the picture you chose to use looks like it could have been her. Now the last chapter is making more sense. the more I read the more I can understand! love and blessings, Teri
Comment Written 25-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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Hi Teri, yes it will help to understand the rest. After this one is Jonathan?s story, You chose a boy like that?!,The good and the bad, and Resolutions and Solutions. Don?t worry about reviewing if they have expired though. Many thanks for your interest, and for reviewing this one. Much appreciated.
Wendy
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Wendy, If I read them I will review them. They are really interesting!
Comment from Sarah Tummey
Wendy, this is lovely. Have you written, or are you working on, the rest of the book? I would definitely read it. There are lots of fostering books out there. I'm currently reading one about a girl who was fostered when Social Services found out she was the long-term carer for her mum who had MS.
Thanks so much for sharing this here.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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Wendy, this is lovely. Have you written, or are you working on, the rest of the book? I would definitely read it. There are lots of fostering books out there. I'm currently reading one about a girl who was fostered when Social Services found out she was the long-term carer for her mum who had MS.
Thanks so much for sharing this here.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
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Thank you very much Sarah. A beautiful review, and I thank you for the six stars, which I value greatly. Yes, I am working on subsequent chapters, not all of which will be easy to read (or write).
Wendy
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Very well done. You wrote convincingly. Readers' questions are answered as they form.
One thing I wonder, though, is the father's responsibility. These days, he would be held financially responsible. (At least most of the time.) I know that in times past, especially before DNA testing, dead-beat dads could escape responsibility.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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Very well done. You wrote convincingly. Readers' questions are answered as they form.
One thing I wonder, though, is the father's responsibility. These days, he would be held financially responsible. (At least most of the time.) I know that in times past, especially before DNA testing, dead-beat dads could escape responsibility.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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Good question. I never heard of any contribution, so I can?t say for sure, but I don?t think so. He did visit us on occasions to take J for a weekend to see his grandparents, which will come up later. Thank you very much for reviewing. I appreciate it.
Wendy
Comment from LJbutterfly
I read this story with an impartial attitude, about the plight of an unfortunate young lady who gave birth to a disabled child. When I read the words, "My family was the one chosen," my eyes filled with tears. I had just read the background story of the young man with special needs who you cared for. This is going to be a powerful book of love, faith, and God's blessings. I wish you the best in the First Book Chapter contest.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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I read this story with an impartial attitude, about the plight of an unfortunate young lady who gave birth to a disabled child. When I read the words, "My family was the one chosen," my eyes filled with tears. I had just read the background story of the young man with special needs who you cared for. This is going to be a powerful book of love, faith, and God's blessings. I wish you the best in the First Book Chapter contest.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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Thank you so very much for this beautiful and most encouraging review. I hope you will enjoy all the stories as they unfold, although some of the writing will be difficult, in reliving these experiences.
Wendy
Comment from Spitfire
A beautiful piece of writing, Wendy. I can see this becoming a best-seller. Good use of short phrases throughout. You make the reader feel sorry for Sheryl and understand why she abandoned her son. It made me think of my sister who gave birth to a boy with MD and how her husband abandoned her too.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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A beautiful piece of writing, Wendy. I can see this becoming a best-seller. Good use of short phrases throughout. You make the reader feel sorry for Sheryl and understand why she abandoned her son. It made me think of my sister who gave birth to a boy with MD and how her husband abandoned her too.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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About 80% of marriages break up when there is a disability involved, a sad statistic. Thank you very much for your wonderful review, and the six stars. I hope you'll continue to enjoy the stories as they unfold.
Wendy
Comment from lyenochka
Well, I know this story is based on your adoption of your foster son. But I guess the details of his parents was something that you fictionalized. You did a great job. It could be anyone's story and yet my feelings are mixed about Sheryl as the drinking and drugs contributed to the hurting her unborn baby. Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2024
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Well, I know this story is based on your adoption of your foster son. But I guess the details of his parents was something that you fictionalized. You did a great job. It could be anyone's story and yet my feelings are mixed about Sheryl as the drinking and drugs contributed to the hurting her unborn baby. Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 10-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2024
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Thanks so much Helen. No, the details weren't fiction. For the most part the details were told me by his mother. I appreciate your feelings about Sheryl, and people generally assume that the drinking and drugs harmed him, and they probably did, but in point of fact they may or may not have been responsible. There are many equally severely disabled young people whose parents touched neither. And I don't judge her badly anyway, as I never walked in her shoes. She had an awful life, and once an addiction takes hold, it's very difficult to overcome it. But she did overcome it, in the end, a testament to her courage and determination. Thanks again for reviewing. I hope you'll continue to read as the stories unfold.
Wendy
Comment from Pearl Edwards
As soon as I read of Sheryl 's pregnancy I knew who the baby would be. Beautifully written Wendy. As I read of Sheryl 's life I could only think of how lucky we are, those of us that grew up in a family of love. You told her stiry with compassion. Well done Wendy.
Valda
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2024
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As soon as I read of Sheryl 's pregnancy I knew who the baby would be. Beautifully written Wendy. As I read of Sheryl 's life I could only think of how lucky we are, those of us that grew up in a family of love. You told her stiry with compassion. Well done Wendy.
Valda
Comment Written 09-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2024
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Thank you very much Valda for your astute and insightful review, and also for the six beautiful stars, an honour I value. I hope you'll enjoy the continuation with the highs, lows, and even exposure of corruption that will follow, as his story unfolds.
Wendy
