Death, Crimes and Misdemeanors A-Z
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Until We Meet Again"Nefarious Deeds
18 total reviews
Comment from mortman
I really enjoyed this. I know from reading some comments that people have already picked up on some grammatical errors, but your narrative style is really quite good and is certainly entertaining. I also loved your opening - it was a great hook.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
  |
I really enjoyed this. I know from reading some comments that people have already picked up on some grammatical errors, but your narrative style is really quite good and is certainly entertaining. I also loved your opening - it was a great hook.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
-
I am pitiful at dialogue grammar. I admit it. I have edited as per instructions several times. Does Grammarly correct that stuff? If it does, it might be worth getting. Thanks for the read. Karen
Comment from LJbutterfly
OMG! This story started out with gore and ended with gore. You have written a very imaginative mystery and crime fiction with great details, description, and dialogue and an ending that was not expected. Your story is long, but moves quickly and holds the reader's interest. Well done.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
|
OMG! This story started out with gore and ended with gore. You have written a very imaginative mystery and crime fiction with great details, description, and dialogue and an ending that was not expected. Your story is long, but moves quickly and holds the reader's interest. Well done.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
-
I did warn you, and you are right it was longer than is standard, but to cut it in half would have ruined the flow. Thanks for the read and nice comments. Karen
Comment from scongrove
Wow.... This had me sucked into the story to the very end, girl!!! You have a way of writing mystery and horror all wrapped up in one! I love a bloody scene, and you definitely did not disappoint. If I had a six, it would be yours! At the beginning, I never saw how this was going to go. I love it!!! You should keep writing stories like this one. Very intriguing!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
|
Wow.... This had me sucked into the story to the very end, girl!!! You have a way of writing mystery and horror all wrapped up in one! I love a bloody scene, and you definitely did not disappoint. If I had a six, it would be yours! At the beginning, I never saw how this was going to go. I love it!!! You should keep writing stories like this one. Very intriguing!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
-
My mystery/crime/horror tend to be longer than the usual allotted length. And, I suck at dialogue grammar. I am getting better at poetry. My non fiction musings in the humor department are doing good because they are mainly narrative.
People ask me to try my hand at things because I have written many different things. A few have asked for a western, but I can't seem to do it. Maybe because other than Larry Mcmurtry I didn't read them. I was asked to try science fiction, and I did okay, Romance, not so much. My funny bone keeps coming out. But, I have more mystery stuff coming up. Karen
-
I believe you can write just about anything. Looking forward to more! :)
-
I tell people there are many versions of me living in my body. We all have this, but a lot of us forget them as we grow up. I rely on all the versions of me to help me with my pain, to help me write, and to give me my wicked humor.
Yep, I am odd. :-) Karen
Comment from Bill Schott
Well, well, well that was a relationship that certainly ended badly with a spectacular and extended final scene that both brought us into the tale, but out. Cool.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
|
Well, well, well that was a relationship that certainly ended badly with a spectacular and extended final scene that both brought us into the tale, but out. Cool.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
-
I warned you blood will spill. I have seen so many crime and mystery shows and movies, and read Micky Spillane, Rex Stout,John D, Macdonald, since I was eight. My head is full of lopped off body parts. And since birth I have been in and out of hospitals, blood and gore do not trouble me.
I have often thought I would like to watch an autopsy. One of my favorite shows is "bones".
Thanks for the read. Give my best to Kathy, I pray for you both. Karen
Comment from Julie Helms
The story is morbid and funny and unexpected! It's definitely my kind of story. I love the sarcasm that you employ throughout. Her descriptions of the failed date are really funny. This one is a beaut:
"My knife made tiny little slivers of his skin roll down like paper-thin cheese at a deli counter. It made me kind of hungry."
Comparing his torture to food is so incredibly disgusting, that it is amazing and fits perfectly with the tone of the story.
You do have an issue throughout with how you use quotation marks. I can't really tell if it's because you're not sure how to use them, or if you just did them quickly but a lot of them are wrong. It makes it a little difficult to read because you have stuff in quotes that shouldn't be in quotes. Here is an example:
*She said, "He always had lovely manners, she can't imagine what went wrong." *
Should be... She said, "He always had lovely manners." She couldn't imagine what went wrong.
(The only part she said out loud and the only part that should be in quotes is... "He always had lovely manners"... The rest was not said out loud so should not be. Alternatively, if you want her to say all of this out loud... "He always had lovely manners. I can't imagine what went wrong."
You also mixed tenses... *Said* is past tense and *can't* is present tense. I changed it so they matched)
You really have a strong story here. But the dialogue issues need to be cleaned up. Thanks so much for sharing! Julie.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
 |
The story is morbid and funny and unexpected! It's definitely my kind of story. I love the sarcasm that you employ throughout. Her descriptions of the failed date are really funny. This one is a beaut:
"My knife made tiny little slivers of his skin roll down like paper-thin cheese at a deli counter. It made me kind of hungry."
Comparing his torture to food is so incredibly disgusting, that it is amazing and fits perfectly with the tone of the story.
You do have an issue throughout with how you use quotation marks. I can't really tell if it's because you're not sure how to use them, or if you just did them quickly but a lot of them are wrong. It makes it a little difficult to read because you have stuff in quotes that shouldn't be in quotes. Here is an example:
*She said, "He always had lovely manners, she can't imagine what went wrong." *
Should be... She said, "He always had lovely manners." She couldn't imagine what went wrong.
(The only part she said out loud and the only part that should be in quotes is... "He always had lovely manners"... The rest was not said out loud so should not be. Alternatively, if you want her to say all of this out loud... "He always had lovely manners. I can't imagine what went wrong."
You also mixed tenses... *Said* is past tense and *can't* is present tense. I changed it so they matched)
You really have a strong story here. But the dialogue issues need to be cleaned up. Thanks so much for sharing! Julie.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
-
I admit I am terrible at grammar in Dialogue.
I have a block about it I guess. I will check it later. Thanks for the read and the edits. Karen
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You have a very bloodthirsty yen. Oliver did deserve it even if Salvatore didn't order it. What man shows up for a blind date smelling bad and looking creepy. You have written a very good story, but you are careless with punctuation and proper tense. When you are talking to someone, and they are talking back, it needs to sound like a dialogue. She said, "(I am) going . . . . . . (I) can't imagine . . . "Long time no see,(") he said. (")You told me . . . and there are a few I missed as I was enjoying the story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
|
You have a very bloodthirsty yen. Oliver did deserve it even if Salvatore didn't order it. What man shows up for a blind date smelling bad and looking creepy. You have written a very good story, but you are careless with punctuation and proper tense. When you are talking to someone, and they are talking back, it needs to sound like a dialogue. She said, "(I am) going . . . . . . (I) can't imagine . . . "Long time no see,(") he said. (")You told me . . . and there are a few I missed as I was enjoying the story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
-
Barbara already got to me. She had nine corrections, and I found one more. Thanks for the editing. I am awful with dialogue grammar. I can't seem to get it to stick in my brain. I appreciate the care you took. :-) Karen
Comment from tfawcus
I enjoyed the acerbic humour that runs throughout this. One that really touched the funny bone was "He did not have thick curly hair, at least not with him at the moment." Classic!
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
|
I enjoyed the acerbic humour that runs throughout this. One that really touched the funny bone was "He did not have thick curly hair, at least not with him at the moment." Classic!
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2024
-
That was my favorite bit. It still cracks me up. Thanks for the read. Karen
Comment from Navada
There are certainly plenty of casual little devil references sprinkled throughout for the reader to pick up on. I like the misdirection and the revelations about the narrator's preferences and line of work, and it's good to see an utter creep like Oliver get his comeuppance! :)
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
|
There are certainly plenty of casual little devil references sprinkled throughout for the reader to pick up on. I like the misdirection and the revelations about the narrator's preferences and line of work, and it's good to see an utter creep like Oliver get his comeuppance! :)
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
-
This story started out as a prompt using the word devil 5 times for a contest. I did not even place. I edited and posted it on FanStory. You guys like it! Thanks! Karen
Comment from karenina
Well, Karen? First, remind me to never tick you off! Second, although normally I'd be cringing and running the other way, you've written a well-crafted story with such awesome comedic tidbits among the gore I could not stop reading it!
Little asides like: "He did not have thick curly hair, at least not with him at the moment" cracked me up.
I found this incredibly entertaining (so I think I better up my estrogen or something) ---
LOL--I'm glad (I guess) that it's all fiction, however, I will admit a few names came to mind in my little murder fantasy of my own!)
No sixes left (put down the knife!)-- You know how it is toward the end of the week.
This is definitely deserving though!
Karenina
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
|
Well, Karen? First, remind me to never tick you off! Second, although normally I'd be cringing and running the other way, you've written a well-crafted story with such awesome comedic tidbits among the gore I could not stop reading it!
Little asides like: "He did not have thick curly hair, at least not with him at the moment" cracked me up.
I found this incredibly entertaining (so I think I better up my estrogen or something) ---
LOL--I'm glad (I guess) that it's all fiction, however, I will admit a few names came to mind in my little murder fantasy of my own!)
No sixes left (put down the knife!)-- You know how it is toward the end of the week.
This is definitely deserving though!
Karenina
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
-
All my sixes are used up too. I had fun with this. Thanks so much. Karen
-
Scary good!
Comment from prettybluebirds
Geez, I hope you never get mad at me for anything. Lol. Your story is captivating, to say the least, and I did get a kick out of reading it. Nice writing, even if a bit of a terrible story.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
|
Geez, I hope you never get mad at me for anything. Lol. Your story is captivating, to say the least, and I did get a kick out of reading it. Nice writing, even if a bit of a terrible story.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
-
I write all types of things. But mystery/crime has always been my mainstay. Since being on here, I have gotten into poetry, non fiction, Sci fi, and other things. I believe in the motto, "I don't get mad, I get even". :-) Karen I only get even in my stories.