The Will
This is a first chapter about a family.22 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
Nice family, dealing with a death. The writing and editing are solid. I would recheck the punctuation on dialogue expanding more than a single paragraph.
This first chapter set up what may be in the letter, but it needs more to keep the reader. The mom is gone before an emotional connection is made for the readers and the reader may need some form of hook, to hold them.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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Nice family, dealing with a death. The writing and editing are solid. I would recheck the punctuation on dialogue expanding more than a single paragraph.
This first chapter set up what may be in the letter, but it needs more to keep the reader. The mom is gone before an emotional connection is made for the readers and the reader may need some form of hook, to hold them.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I'd like to find out what was in the letter as well. So I hope you will continue the story. It's a fabulous start and an excellent contest entry. I did wonder if they had deliberately killed Olive and changed the will, but that's my suspicious mind!! Lol. Good luck in the contest! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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I'd like to find out what was in the letter as well. So I hope you will continue the story. It's a fabulous start and an excellent contest entry. I did wonder if they had deliberately killed Olive and changed the will, but that's my suspicious mind!! Lol. Good luck in the contest! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from John Ciarmello
I love the sentiment of this story and how the mother cared for her family after her death.
There are some words you didn't need, which would have loosened it up for more permanent details that would have carried the story's strength along.
uncomfortable chair
hard chair
Turn on the count of three, one, two, three. These are just a few examples.
When you're writing a word-count story, which I'm assuming this is, every word counts to push the story forward, and there is no room for waste to get your point across. This applies to chapter writing as well but with a bit more leeway. I hope I helped. I enjoyed the read. Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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I love the sentiment of this story and how the mother cared for her family after her death.
There are some words you didn't need, which would have loosened it up for more permanent details that would have carried the story's strength along.
uncomfortable chair
hard chair
Turn on the count of three, one, two, three. These are just a few examples.
When you're writing a word-count story, which I'm assuming this is, every word counts to push the story forward, and there is no room for waste to get your point across. This applies to chapter writing as well but with a bit more leeway. I hope I helped. I enjoyed the read. Best, JohnC
Comment Written 19-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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Thank you for much for the feedback. It is greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from Lisasview
I believe this is the first time I am reading any of your work.
How many words must this be?
I thought it said 2,000...
Not sure why a Fan Story wants so many words?
I liked your story but felt I needed to let you know,
Lisasview
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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I believe this is the first time I am reading any of your work.
How many words must this be?
I thought it said 2,000...
Not sure why a Fan Story wants so many words?
I liked your story but felt I needed to let you know,
Lisasview
Comment Written 19-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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Thank you for letting me know. I will be adding some to meet that requirement. Thank you for taking the time to read and review my work. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
The title does need to be changed, but often the publisher, if you go for that, changes it. The writing is good and the tension builds as it must in a book. You might have her ignore the question the nurse asks and instead demand what is wrong with her mother. She was supposed to be going home today. You might give a little more info about the nurse as she seems to be familiar with her. You might give a couple of paragraphs about the funeral. Mother had more friends than she knew. She could worry about how they could pay for the funeral!!! The scene at the bank is good except I would call it a thick envelope. You left out a word in the line: Figure (it) out.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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The title does need to be changed, but often the publisher, if you go for that, changes it. The writing is good and the tension builds as it must in a book. You might have her ignore the question the nurse asks and instead demand what is wrong with her mother. She was supposed to be going home today. You might give a little more info about the nurse as she seems to be familiar with her. You might give a couple of paragraphs about the funeral. Mother had more friends than she knew. She could worry about how they could pay for the funeral!!! The scene at the bank is good except I would call it a thick envelope. You left out a word in the line: Figure (it) out.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback. The stars are much appreciated. Have a blessed day.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Hi Eliz, I hope you do continue this book. It seems to be very interesting and I do wish to find out what was written in that letter. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings and the contest.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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Hi Eliz, I hope you do continue this book. It seems to be very interesting and I do wish to find out what was written in that letter. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings and the contest.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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Thank you for reading and reviewing.I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
A great hook at the end because Sara has been left, not only mourning the death of her mother but also regretting that she couldn't share some time with her to hear what her mother wanted to say. And now this rather discovery of the money, clearly requiring some greater explanation. This is clearly and engagingly written. My only suggestion would be that, perhaps, the second reference to the hard plastic chair was a little too repetitive and unnecessary. I'll look forward to reading more. Thanks for sharing. Debbie
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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A great hook at the end because Sara has been left, not only mourning the death of her mother but also regretting that she couldn't share some time with her to hear what her mother wanted to say. And now this rather discovery of the money, clearly requiring some greater explanation. This is clearly and engagingly written. My only suggestion would be that, perhaps, the second reference to the hard plastic chair was a little too repetitive and unnecessary. I'll look forward to reading more. Thanks for sharing. Debbie
Comment Written 18-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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Thank you for reading and reviewing.I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
This is a compelling first book chapter. The imagery and dialogues were good and I could relate in some way, because I had my husband's support when my mom passed. There is a lot that is left for the reader to imagine and to anticipate. Very good!
Best wishes,
Alex
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2024
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This is a compelling first book chapter. The imagery and dialogues were good and I could relate in some way, because I had my husband's support when my mom passed. There is a lot that is left for the reader to imagine and to anticipate. Very good!
Best wishes,
Alex
Comment Written 18-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2024
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Thank you for reading and reviewing.I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Oh my!! I am definitely intrigued enough to read Chapter two!! You've set this up very nicely, indeed. Have you written more, or was this something you've had in your mind a long while (like most good writers do) and decided, because of the prompt, to launch a little test balloon. I ask because if you will be posting more, I want to be sure I don't miss out on it!
Good luck in the contest! This has potential in a big way at the polls. xo
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2024
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Oh my!! I am definitely intrigued enough to read Chapter two!! You've set this up very nicely, indeed. Have you written more, or was this something you've had in your mind a long while (like most good writers do) and decided, because of the prompt, to launch a little test balloon. I ask because if you will be posting more, I want to be sure I don't miss out on it!
Good luck in the contest! This has potential in a big way at the polls. xo
Comment Written 18-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2024
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I will be writing more chapters. Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This is excellent It brings the reader visceral into the world of the person in the bed. I bet some readers are doing as I did trying to experience what it's like to try to lift your eyelids this is excellent. This is hopeful to know we will see more of this writing. A+
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2024
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This is excellent It brings the reader visceral into the world of the person in the bed. I bet some readers are doing as I did trying to experience what it's like to try to lift your eyelids this is excellent. This is hopeful to know we will see more of this writing. A+
Comment Written 18-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2024
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. Thank you so much for the exceptional status. Have a blessed day.
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This was an exceptional work.
