I Found My Heart In San Francisco
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "I Found My Heart Ch 1 Pt. 2"Fan Fiction Romance
2 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
Another interesting and full chapter. The different ladies personalities come through clearly. The speech tag punctuations are still an issue, plus there is a lot of repetition and over-writing. Try to slim this down. I think several hundred words can be trimmed without losing context.
-Also, on FanStory the higher the word count, the less reader you'll get.
notes:
It had{ bee an} long time since she had seen him.
-It had been a long time since she had seen him.
I Found My Heart In S.F. Ch 1 Pt 2
- Delete. You don't need this twice. I just increases your word count.
"Oh my God! Your dad was going to shoot him for real?" {Exclaimed} Desaray.
-"Oh my God! Your dad was going to shoot him for real?" exclaimed Desaray.
-lowercase after the speech tags, except for names.
My Dad really did want to kill him when I thought I was pregnant with T.J.'s baby a few months later.
-My Dad really did want to kill him when we thought I was pregnant a few months later.
- always reduce the verbiage if possible.
I was still just 18 going on 19 years old." Said Kara.
-This isn't needed. We know she was young.
I thought I was pregnant with his child and I didn't want to tell him. My dad wanted to kill him, but he had already left and moved to Los Angeles to pursue his dreams. Then, I went to see my doctor and it turned out that I was not pregnant after all. My period was just late that month. I was a little relieved about that because I didn't want my father or my brothers to go find T.J. and tell him I was pregnant. They would have demanded that he step up and take care of both me and the baby. I think he would have resented me later for that. I never saw him again after that." Kara concluded.
-all of this exposition the reader doesn't need. We know from one sentence in previous paragraph she wasn't pregnant and her father's feelings.
"Wow! You've had some serious relationships." Said Cookie.
-"Wow! You've had some serious relationships," said Cookie.
"Girl please! You were just getting started with your man at 18." Prie Prie told her.
-"Girl please! You were just getting started with your man at eighteen," Prie Prie told her.
"Girl, you are so crazy." Said Tay Tay.
-"Girl, you are so crazy," said Tay Tay.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2024
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Another interesting and full chapter. The different ladies personalities come through clearly. The speech tag punctuations are still an issue, plus there is a lot of repetition and over-writing. Try to slim this down. I think several hundred words can be trimmed without losing context.
-Also, on FanStory the higher the word count, the less reader you'll get.
notes:
It had{ bee an} long time since she had seen him.
-It had been a long time since she had seen him.
I Found My Heart In S.F. Ch 1 Pt 2
- Delete. You don't need this twice. I just increases your word count.
"Oh my God! Your dad was going to shoot him for real?" {Exclaimed} Desaray.
-"Oh my God! Your dad was going to shoot him for real?" exclaimed Desaray.
-lowercase after the speech tags, except for names.
My Dad really did want to kill him when I thought I was pregnant with T.J.'s baby a few months later.
-My Dad really did want to kill him when we thought I was pregnant a few months later.
- always reduce the verbiage if possible.
I was still just 18 going on 19 years old." Said Kara.
-This isn't needed. We know she was young.
I thought I was pregnant with his child and I didn't want to tell him. My dad wanted to kill him, but he had already left and moved to Los Angeles to pursue his dreams. Then, I went to see my doctor and it turned out that I was not pregnant after all. My period was just late that month. I was a little relieved about that because I didn't want my father or my brothers to go find T.J. and tell him I was pregnant. They would have demanded that he step up and take care of both me and the baby. I think he would have resented me later for that. I never saw him again after that." Kara concluded.
-all of this exposition the reader doesn't need. We know from one sentence in previous paragraph she wasn't pregnant and her father's feelings.
"Wow! You've had some serious relationships." Said Cookie.
-"Wow! You've had some serious relationships," said Cookie.
"Girl please! You were just getting started with your man at 18." Prie Prie told her.
-"Girl please! You were just getting started with your man at eighteen," Prie Prie told her.
"Girl, you are so crazy." Said Tay Tay.
-"Girl, you are so crazy," said Tay Tay.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2024
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Lancelot. Thank you. I hate to sound redundant. And you helped me realize some things I wasn?t aware of. Once I got started on this story. It just flowed. I couldn?t stop. I do have more chapters coming. Thank you for the advice.
Comment from Jacob1395
I was really kept engaged by the dialogue in your writing and you do an excellent job of making it sound real and beleivable. I thought your writing flowed well and I really enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2024
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I was really kept engaged by the dialogue in your writing and you do an excellent job of making it sound real and beleivable. I thought your writing flowed well and I really enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2024
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Thank you Jacob. It?s nice to know that men can appreciate this story as much as women. I truly hope that it does sound believable. I was a little slow starting this story years ago, but after the death of the real M.J. it took off like it had a mind of its own, and I got a lot written. Thank you for the review. Stay tuned. More is coming.