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Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Jennifer Collins"2nd Place Finish
9 total reviews
Comment from Soledadpaz
Perhaps: Morgan let out a grunt and finished with a thrust of his hips.
Typo: pink bunny ear earrings. Delete 'ear'
Suggest revise: dangling from her (earlobes)
Verb tense, suggest: (He'd) told Kelly he had a fetish . . .
Perhaps: He (preferred) to stick with the same prostitute . . .
What really caught his attention (were) the sunken, hollowed out eyes . . .
Suggest: Morgan was a good looking mad, but (he'd) started paying for sex . . .
Suggest: . . . went to the trunk (to) retrieve his tweed jacket.
Perhaps clarify what 'it' is, as it could also signify he's hating to have to respond when he is definitely not in the mood for a crime scene. . . . crossed over the yellow police tape. He hated (that) tape. . .
(Lying) at her feet in the weeds
Suggest delete: 'but.' She does have needle tracks . . .
I like his asides. Makes him seem self-deprecating and jaded. Fleshes out his character. Sounds like those missing earrings might be a clue.
Excellent first chapter. Lets the reader see into Morgan's character and opens several plot lines. Like why he is left to settle for hookers, why can't he look the tech in the face, and does Mac have a beef with him. Also, why is he so tired that he's not shaving anymore. Interesting.
Sol
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Perhaps: Morgan let out a grunt and finished with a thrust of his hips.
Typo: pink bunny ear earrings. Delete 'ear'
Suggest revise: dangling from her (earlobes)
Verb tense, suggest: (He'd) told Kelly he had a fetish . . .
Perhaps: He (preferred) to stick with the same prostitute . . .
What really caught his attention (were) the sunken, hollowed out eyes . . .
Suggest: Morgan was a good looking mad, but (he'd) started paying for sex . . .
Suggest: . . . went to the trunk (to) retrieve his tweed jacket.
Perhaps clarify what 'it' is, as it could also signify he's hating to have to respond when he is definitely not in the mood for a crime scene. . . . crossed over the yellow police tape. He hated (that) tape. . .
(Lying) at her feet in the weeds
Suggest delete: 'but.' She does have needle tracks . . .
I like his asides. Makes him seem self-deprecating and jaded. Fleshes out his character. Sounds like those missing earrings might be a clue.
Excellent first chapter. Lets the reader see into Morgan's character and opens several plot lines. Like why he is left to settle for hookers, why can't he look the tech in the face, and does Mac have a beef with him. Also, why is he so tired that he's not shaving anymore. Interesting.
Sol
Comment Written 04-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Awesome edits! Thank you, Sol!
Comment from Terry Broxson
Douglas, this is an excellent first chapter. It's already gritty, gritty is good for this kind of book. I will do my best to keep up with you. It is hard for me to read a novel on FS. But it must be a lot harder to write one. Good job so far! Terry.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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Douglas, this is an excellent first chapter. It's already gritty, gritty is good for this kind of book. I will do my best to keep up with you. It is hard for me to read a novel on FS. But it must be a lot harder to write one. Good job so far! Terry.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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Thank you, Terry. I am giving it a go. Can't expect too many to review it for 1/2, but hopefully I get a few followers. Appreciate you!
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
This is delcious. Others urged me to do it, but I said hell no! Thirty stories for maybe $100 bucks, Only in Tom's dreams. I find it insulting. If you want to test yourself, that is fine, I will reed, but do it only for you. Karen
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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This is delcious. Others urged me to do it, but I said hell no! Thirty stories for maybe $100 bucks, Only in Tom's dreams. I find it insulting. If you want to test yourself, that is fine, I will reed, but do it only for you. Karen
Comment Written 02-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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Yep. I like the challenge of the whole thing. I?m excited that try.
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I will read. :-)
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Thank you! It?s a haul and a half!
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only for you :-)
Comment from Tom Horonzy
This is a test, right?
Para 2 reads ... long dangling pink bunny ear earrings dangling seems more than a little redundant when long pink bunny earrings dangled, right?
And the warning in your notes ... would be more helpful if it was before the read.
Wait ... so you promote your works more than once? Is that how one can reach BEST OF status? ... which leaves one question ... how do folks find a way to offer a $ as a promo?
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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This is a test, right?
Para 2 reads ... long dangling pink bunny ear earrings dangling seems more than a little redundant when long pink bunny earrings dangled, right?
And the warning in your notes ... would be more helpful if it was before the read.
Wait ... so you promote your works more than once? Is that how one can reach BEST OF status? ... which leaves one question ... how do folks find a way to offer a $ as a promo?
Comment Written 01-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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I generally promote each chapter once but the nature of this contest, 30 chapters in 30 days, would cost about $300 to promote. Since it is a committee decision, plus you have to write the new chapter that day, there will be many errors as editing time is limited to a twenty-four hour period after you wrote.m the chapter. Rough, right? I merely took this on as a personal challenge to myself. I really only expected the two free reviews. Amazed that so many of you have read it at 1/2. Still, that will drop off.
I placed the three site warnings on the post. They should all have been at the top. Maybe I could put graphic at the top of my writing?
Anyways, as always, your suggestions/fixes/opinions are always a blessing to me. Thank you, Tom
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Got it. Good luck on the pursuit. It's humongous.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Congratulations on entering this contest. I couldn't do it. I can't write that fast. I can't wait to read more. This first chapter is fantastic. Morgan in a great character, who seems like he as a few demons himself. Good luck not only with the contest but keeping up the pace.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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Congratulations on entering this contest. I couldn't do it. I can't write that fast. I can't wait to read more. This first chapter is fantastic. Morgan in a great character, who seems like he as a few demons himself. Good luck not only with the contest but keeping up the pace.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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Thanks, Barbara. I think it's going to be a heavy lift. I'm up for the challenge!
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I know you are.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Well done.
O'Ryan's was know to serve a shady clientele. - (known)
The dead hookers face - (hooker's)
Kinda sucks the way FanStory only allows two reviewers.
I would think that being a cop, Morgan would want to be careful with his DNA (condom). I wrote a thing where someone collected condoms of rich people (buying or stealing them), and then setting them up for blackmail.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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Well done.
O'Ryan's was know to serve a shady clientele. - (known)
The dead hookers face - (hooker's)
Kinda sucks the way FanStory only allows two reviewers.
I would think that being a cop, Morgan would want to be careful with his DNA (condom). I wrote a thing where someone collected condoms of rich people (buying or stealing them), and then setting them up for blackmail.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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Oh my goodness, there is a story in there about those blackmails, isn't there. I always appreciate your perceptive eye, Wayne!.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Well, if you keep this standard up, Doug, you'll be attracting many more free reviewers! You know exactly how to draw the reader in from the get-go. I always enjoy your economic prose as well as the high octane pace (well, maybe not too fast to allow us oldies to keep up!) But nothing I would change here. Maybe a note to explain 'bling out' but it's pretty explanatory on the second read. Great image, great start! Well done and good luck! This is ideal for you, Doug, I've every confidence you'll complete the challenge. Debbie
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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Well, if you keep this standard up, Doug, you'll be attracting many more free reviewers! You know exactly how to draw the reader in from the get-go. I always enjoy your economic prose as well as the high octane pace (well, maybe not too fast to allow us oldies to keep up!) But nothing I would change here. Maybe a note to explain 'bling out' but it's pretty explanatory on the second read. Great image, great start! Well done and good luck! This is ideal for you, Doug, I've every confidence you'll complete the challenge. Debbie
Comment Written 01-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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Thank you, my friend. You are such a huge supporter!
Comment from Julie Helms
Great start! I love the gritty crime stories. Looks like you have an imperfect hero for this one which is perfect! A couple suggestions:
hair was unkept (unkempt, while unkept is a word, in reference to hair it's almost always unkempt)
O'Ryan's was know to serve (known)
Keep writing. Sounds good! Julie.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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Great start! I love the gritty crime stories. Looks like you have an imperfect hero for this one which is perfect! A couple suggestions:
hair was unkept (unkempt, while unkept is a word, in reference to hair it's almost always unkempt)
O'Ryan's was know to serve (known)
Keep writing. Sounds good! Julie.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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Oh, imperfect is a great word for detective Morgan Harper. Just hope I can keep up the 30 day pace. Have the next chapter pretty solid in my head. You are the best with your helps! I appreciate it, Julie!
Comment from derek campbell
Wow such an amazing writer you are I love everything about it your really good I Can't wait to see more of your amazing skills but next time try and express your feeling a bit more deeper on certain areas but other then that really good stuff can't wait to read more of your magic keep it up
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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Wow such an amazing writer you are I love everything about it your really good I Can't wait to see more of your amazing skills but next time try and express your feeling a bit more deeper on certain areas but other then that really good stuff can't wait to read more of your magic keep it up
Comment Written 01-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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Thank you, Derek! I appreciate your supported words and suggestion. This contest is a heavy lift. Hope you get the chance to jump in again!
D
