I Remember You... but Yesterday
Perception22 total reviews
Comment from jim vecchio
This was so beautifully written, I would just like to focus on one concern: You used "bore, bear, and bore" very close to one another. Perhaps you can try substitutions,
. "She bore a heavy strain upon her brow of one who could not bear another word. The glow of her eyes was hidden under moist tears recently rubbed away. I reached out; she sat up and started to asway. Her skin bore the signs of our loving play."
Possibly: "She seemed so heavily strained, as if she could not bear another word........Her skin revealed the marks of our loving play"
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2024
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This was so beautifully written, I would just like to focus on one concern: You used "bore, bear, and bore" very close to one another. Perhaps you can try substitutions,
. "She bore a heavy strain upon her brow of one who could not bear another word. The glow of her eyes was hidden under moist tears recently rubbed away. I reached out; she sat up and started to asway. Her skin bore the signs of our loving play."
Possibly: "She seemed so heavily strained, as if she could not bear another word........Her skin revealed the marks of our loving play"
Comment Written 16-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2024
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Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my work and share your kind advice. Thank you.
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Thank you for your great writing!
Comment from Bobby Jo
I m trying to embrace what exactly is happening. Holding a phone, gripping it tight, what news is she getting that she can't deal with? What is the pain in the call? Everything changed in a heartbeat?
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2024
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I m trying to embrace what exactly is happening. Holding a phone, gripping it tight, what news is she getting that she can't deal with? What is the pain in the call? Everything changed in a heartbeat?
Comment Written 16-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2024
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The moments are never the same for a couple. We are existing in the same moment, the same event and reflect differently on how it felt. I kind of fail to show that. One reflecting on how amazing the moment felt and was going to feel, while the other enjoyed this new feeling, but was lost in the consequences of surrendering to something new.
Comment from Glena Jessee-King
This is an excellent romance poem. It draws the reader into the inner thoughts or feelings of the protagonist or of the two characters to an extent, while leaving room for the reader to form his or her imaginative clues. It is very good in keeping with and unwrapping the prompt. Clever title to that prompt "I remember". The meaning also probably is of the guy reaching out to the girl, who now seems in stress or under a burden. Seemingly she finds solace in his kindness and remembering, climaxing when she says, "James..." I did have to look up "asway" wondering if the poet meant "sway." I really like learning from other styles as well as from other cultures. The protagonist comes at just the right or nick of time it appears. I like the story very much.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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This is an excellent romance poem. It draws the reader into the inner thoughts or feelings of the protagonist or of the two characters to an extent, while leaving room for the reader to form his or her imaginative clues. It is very good in keeping with and unwrapping the prompt. Clever title to that prompt "I remember". The meaning also probably is of the guy reaching out to the girl, who now seems in stress or under a burden. Seemingly she finds solace in his kindness and remembering, climaxing when she says, "James..." I did have to look up "asway" wondering if the poet meant "sway." I really like learning from other styles as well as from other cultures. The protagonist comes at just the right or nick of time it appears. I like the story very much.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much for your kind word and review. I am humbled you took time out of your day to read my work. Thank you again from the truest place of my heart.
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You are most welcome, my writer friend (already) I feel. I so appreciate your sincerity and genuineness.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
The content in this is good. The memory is romantic but also full of questions. There is sort of an ongoing passage between a dream-like state or a memory of a dream and perhaps what actually happened in reality. The verbs seem to go back and forth between past and present as if the speaker is not entirely sure what the present moment is, either. It might be stronger if you pick one or the other verb tense and then stick with it.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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The content in this is good. The memory is romantic but also full of questions. There is sort of an ongoing passage between a dream-like state or a memory of a dream and perhaps what actually happened in reality. The verbs seem to go back and forth between past and present as if the speaker is not entirely sure what the present moment is, either. It might be stronger if you pick one or the other verb tense and then stick with it.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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The verb tense is a flaw of my own, I use the words as they flow and forget to go back and correct. Most of my work is spontaneous. I really need to pause before I send. I will seek to keep improving. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read it and just ...thank you.
Comment from gramalot8
This is a wonderful poem that reads as prose. Yet it rhymes snd flows nicely.
I love how we feel the emotions that can come in a morning after intimacy. I like how your descriptive words of her reactions leave us wondering if this was a good encounter or an.... Oh, no , I shouldn't have... moment. For James sake, I hope it was good.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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This is a wonderful poem that reads as prose. Yet it rhymes snd flows nicely.
I love how we feel the emotions that can come in a morning after intimacy. I like how your descriptive words of her reactions leave us wondering if this was a good encounter or an.... Oh, no , I shouldn't have... moment. For James sake, I hope it was good.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much for your encouraging words and for taking the time to read it. I am most humbled by your insight, and I will try to continue to improve.
Comment from Begin Again
My personal take on the story (and I could be way off base) is you shared very intimate moments together which carried over into your dreams. Upon waking, your heart beats for more but instead you see worry and grief, emotions that shatter the dream.
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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My personal take on the story (and I could be way off base) is you shared very intimate moments together which carried over into your dreams. Upon waking, your heart beats for more but instead you see worry and grief, emotions that shatter the dream.
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much for your kind words. I so appreciate artist such as yourself finding time to review others work that in the beginning is more like practice. Thank you for reviewing my practice.
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Any time and I appreciate you stopping by as well.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
You've fully embraced this contest brief and drawn your reader in to experience all the poignant emotion of the morning after. Your prose verse (personally I would have preferred a more standard arrangement of stanzas to allow the rhyme to ring out more clearly) is steeped in nature's imagery and this is contrasted with the awakening realisation that all is not well and the dream has come to an end. We're not appraised of what, in fact, has happened but it's a striking moment! This, non-fiction verse excels in its emotive expression of loss. Thanks for sharing. Good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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You've fully embraced this contest brief and drawn your reader in to experience all the poignant emotion of the morning after. Your prose verse (personally I would have preferred a more standard arrangement of stanzas to allow the rhyme to ring out more clearly) is steeped in nature's imagery and this is contrasted with the awakening realisation that all is not well and the dream has come to an end. We're not appraised of what, in fact, has happened but it's a striking moment! This, non-fiction verse excels in its emotive expression of loss. Thanks for sharing. Good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Good morning. Thank you for your beautiful sentiments of a memory so long pass. I hardly remember the faces -even my own. We change over the years and that is a certainty. It was kind of you to stop by and share such encouraging words. Thank you.
Comment from Mark Jackson
I like it is bold. You have presented this as a poem, it reads as poetry. but, it looks like prose. I had to look up a word betimes to me is an archaic word meaning before times. I had no idea it had a different meaning in US English. I really like: "moist tears recently rubbed away". I have given this 5 star because it deserves this. Thanks for saving.
PS: Not sure about this line it may need reviewing: The phone in her hand grip tightly, as she force sound from her voice.
grip-gripped and force-forces?
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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I like it is bold. You have presented this as a poem, it reads as poetry. but, it looks like prose. I had to look up a word betimes to me is an archaic word meaning before times. I had no idea it had a different meaning in US English. I really like: "moist tears recently rubbed away". I have given this 5 star because it deserves this. Thanks for saving.
PS: Not sure about this line it may need reviewing: The phone in her hand grip tightly, as she force sound from her voice.
grip-gripped and force-forces?
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Thank you for catching that. I didn't realize I made that error. Thank you so much, I will ensure I correct those errors.
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I was not sure it was an error or a conscious choice but I am glad I helped. I am finding my work is full of errors when I post them, In the past I have only read at open mic nights.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
What a memory this is - so sweet and you can feel the emotions . . . grief and ecstasy together as one. A very lyrical and sweet write.
A few suggestions:
the sun rays rested - I would say "the sun's rays rested"
The sentence, "The phone in her hand grip tightly, as she force sound from her voice." Would this flow better? "The phone in her hand gripped tightly, she forced sound from her voice." You know best.
Good luck in the contest; thanks for sharing this intimate moment.
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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What a memory this is - so sweet and you can feel the emotions . . . grief and ecstasy together as one. A very lyrical and sweet write.
A few suggestions:
the sun rays rested - I would say "the sun's rays rested"
The sentence, "The phone in her hand grip tightly, as she force sound from her voice." Would this flow better? "The phone in her hand gripped tightly, she forced sound from her voice." You know best.
Good luck in the contest; thanks for sharing this intimate moment.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Good morning. Yes, I have to correct those errors. I was informed of them earlier and haven't gotten around to it yet. Thank you so much for your advice and help.
Comment from Ginda Simpson
It is always interesting to see where people take their stories with a first sentence prompt. Your prose is very lyrical as you introduce this memory of a time when things were different in a relationship. It leads the reader to want more...
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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It is always interesting to see where people take their stories with a first sentence prompt. Your prose is very lyrical as you introduce this memory of a time when things were different in a relationship. It leads the reader to want more...
Comment Written 23-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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Thank you again for your kind words, and good luck with the contest.
