The Carpenters
A Song for You42 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
The discovery of this group is really important for my music writing and I owe you for that, so even though there is a fair bit I can assist with technically, to me, your piece is still worth my last six of the week. I need to devote a few days to properly study everything that they wrote. As a writer, I'm more interested in Richard, but there's really something to Karen's voice. Anyway, let's dive straight into the technical analysis.
By American standards, the commas are a bit overdone. By English standards, they might be correct. I can't remember which form has more commas. For example, in American form you don't need one after "her plea", "Horizon". I'm not sure about hyphens, but I'm going to comment in regards to American grammar on that.
would mesmerise that <= MESMERIZE and THAT don't fit together, and it's hard to explain WHY but this verb requires a direct object. You could either leave it as "would mesmerize", or "would mesmerize [someone]". In this case, I would go with the former option:
...would mesmerize, and they were here to stay
OR, something like "would show the world that they were here to stay"
ever destined to go far; <= use a comma here, as the next line is a dependent clause
outshone by brother's star. <= a little awkward, and hard to fix. What you mean to communicate is "outshone by HER brother", but you're limited on beats. None of these is perfect, but maybe:
-was outshown by his star
-was yet to show her star
-would later be a star
-would be a different star
And LA <= IN LA?
passion blending flair <= passion is a noun if you don't connect it to "blending". Write as passion-bending.
combining with her vocals - <= use a comma instead here
duo line up <= line-up
But Karen was the prize fans yearned to claim her as their own <= awkward, as this really is two sentences which can't be properly separated due to the meter. Try: But Karen was the prize who fans would come to claim their own (it should be "AS their own", but the above version fits within vernacular speech)
Her Masquerade would need to go, <= this needs to be a semicolon, as it separates independent clauses
now own the stage with pride. <= awkward. Try: she owned the stage with pride
pressure to forsake her art meant yield to others' sway. <= awkward and confusing what you're trying to convey. This line should be rewritten. Check out alternate rhyming options on Rhymezone.com (I can't link them in my initial review).
Though Richard was creator, still the accolades would fall <= awkward without "THE" before creator. How about: though Richard was THE WRITER. (Did they co-write? If so, you could write something like: "Though Richard had designed their sound, the accodates would fall" (I got rid of "still", but if you want to keep it, just swap it in for THE, before ACCOLADES)
Next two stanzas are solid
as her health then took its toll <= this is ok, but try: as her health WOULD TAKE its toll
she wed at rapid rate <= LOL, that sounds really weird. How about: her wedding couldn't wait, she married a hot date, her marriage sealed her fate
still celest'ally <= you don't need to abbreviate this the way most Americans say it (with four syllables), but if in England you say it as five, you are correct
NOTES SECTION
addicted to Quaalude, <= I've always heard this in its plural form (quaaludes)
marriage and children, <= should be a period
During the 14 year career <= their 14-year career
***
Done! As usual, your notes are absolutely clutch.
SS
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2024
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The discovery of this group is really important for my music writing and I owe you for that, so even though there is a fair bit I can assist with technically, to me, your piece is still worth my last six of the week. I need to devote a few days to properly study everything that they wrote. As a writer, I'm more interested in Richard, but there's really something to Karen's voice. Anyway, let's dive straight into the technical analysis.
By American standards, the commas are a bit overdone. By English standards, they might be correct. I can't remember which form has more commas. For example, in American form you don't need one after "her plea", "Horizon". I'm not sure about hyphens, but I'm going to comment in regards to American grammar on that.
would mesmerise that <= MESMERIZE and THAT don't fit together, and it's hard to explain WHY but this verb requires a direct object. You could either leave it as "would mesmerize", or "would mesmerize [someone]". In this case, I would go with the former option:
...would mesmerize, and they were here to stay
OR, something like "would show the world that they were here to stay"
ever destined to go far; <= use a comma here, as the next line is a dependent clause
outshone by brother's star. <= a little awkward, and hard to fix. What you mean to communicate is "outshone by HER brother", but you're limited on beats. None of these is perfect, but maybe:
-was outshown by his star
-was yet to show her star
-would later be a star
-would be a different star
And LA <= IN LA?
passion blending flair <= passion is a noun if you don't connect it to "blending". Write as passion-bending.
combining with her vocals - <= use a comma instead here
duo line up <= line-up
But Karen was the prize fans yearned to claim her as their own <= awkward, as this really is two sentences which can't be properly separated due to the meter. Try: But Karen was the prize who fans would come to claim their own (it should be "AS their own", but the above version fits within vernacular speech)
Her Masquerade would need to go, <= this needs to be a semicolon, as it separates independent clauses
now own the stage with pride. <= awkward. Try: she owned the stage with pride
pressure to forsake her art meant yield to others' sway. <= awkward and confusing what you're trying to convey. This line should be rewritten. Check out alternate rhyming options on Rhymezone.com (I can't link them in my initial review).
Though Richard was creator, still the accolades would fall <= awkward without "THE" before creator. How about: though Richard was THE WRITER. (Did they co-write? If so, you could write something like: "Though Richard had designed their sound, the accodates would fall" (I got rid of "still", but if you want to keep it, just swap it in for THE, before ACCOLADES)
Next two stanzas are solid
as her health then took its toll <= this is ok, but try: as her health WOULD TAKE its toll
she wed at rapid rate <= LOL, that sounds really weird. How about: her wedding couldn't wait, she married a hot date, her marriage sealed her fate
still celest'ally <= you don't need to abbreviate this the way most Americans say it (with four syllables), but if in England you say it as five, you are correct
NOTES SECTION
addicted to Quaalude, <= I've always heard this in its plural form (quaaludes)
marriage and children, <= should be a period
During the 14 year career <= their 14-year career
***
Done! As usual, your notes are absolutely clutch.
SS
Comment Written 30-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much, Simian, for this very kind review and all your helpful advice. I'm going to need a little while to consider everything. Although I think, technically you're mostly right, there are occasions when I want to use a poetic twist to get my meaning across so that it isn't entirely literal. Just my particular style. Otherwise, I'd write in prose, that's all. But you've certainly given me food for thought. Thanks again. Debbie
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Debbie, I love the way you crafted your tender poem to a team who won my heart long ago. You focused more on Karen, and rightly so, sharing much of her life through the titles of their songs.
I remember her battle and I remember when she lost it. It was a very sad day. But, like you said, her death brought a lot of attention on eating disorders, and that part is good.
I still love her work, and thank you for sharing it with us.
Hugs,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2024
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Debbie, I love the way you crafted your tender poem to a team who won my heart long ago. You focused more on Karen, and rightly so, sharing much of her life through the titles of their songs.
I remember her battle and I remember when she lost it. It was a very sad day. But, like you said, her death brought a lot of attention on eating disorders, and that part is good.
I still love her work, and thank you for sharing it with us.
Hugs,
Rhonda
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much, Rhonda, for this wonderful review and all your thoughts which I really enjoy reading! I don't think I know anyone who isn't touched by Karen's life. It's something to do with her vulnerability that comes through her voice and makes us think it's our story she's telling. Apparently she would practise in the car before performances and her voice would be little more than a whisper. But as soon as she got up on stage "the microphone loved her." So sad but given the way she felt so controlled by others, we can understand now why she turned in on herself and sought her own means of control. Personally, I don't think she would ever have recovered...in that era. Thank you again, Debbie xo
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No, I don't think she would have, either. I'm glad that girls these days don't think they have to be skinny to be pretty. I'm sure there are still ones who do, but on the whole, the pattern I'm seeing with youngsters shows better self-images. Of course someone in pain is someone in pain and they find a way to self-harm as a way, like you said, to control something about their environment.
Comment from s.m.kirby
What a lovely tribute to the Carpenters. I still have my album I bought with my baby setting money. My husband will play it for me once in a while.
I enjoyed reading this.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2024
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What a lovely tribute to the Carpenters. I still have my album I bought with my baby setting money. My husband will play it for me once in a while.
I enjoyed reading this.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful review! Her voice is like meditation isn't it - very soothing after dealing with the day's stresses! I'm pleased you enjoyed. Take care Debbie
Comment from Mia Twysted
Using the song titles in the piece is I bet a somewhat tricky situation. Weaving them in and out of the story of the band that swept through the nation.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2024
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Using the song titles in the piece is I bet a somewhat tricky situation. Weaving them in and out of the story of the band that swept through the nation.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much, Mia, for your kind review which I greatly appreciate! Yes, they can get a bit tricky and I end up cursing them sometimes. Especially Top of the World that just wouldn't fit the meter but I refused to be beaten!:) Take care Debbie
Comment from Ulla
Hi Debbie, what a beautiful tribute you've written for the Carpenters. I do remember them and they were widely famous in Denmark as well. I was barely twenty at the hight of their fame. I do though remember her struggles and untimely death. Ulla xcx
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2024
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Hi Debbie, what a beautiful tribute you've written for the Carpenters. I do remember them and they were widely famous in Denmark as well. I was barely twenty at the hight of their fame. I do though remember her struggles and untimely death. Ulla xcx
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much, Ulla, for this kind review. I think I was roughly the same age. Quite amazing, really, because their career wasn't that long and yet their fame spread so widely. And they weren't exactly rocking icons but had something much more special and longer lasting, perhaps. Take care, Debbie xo
Comment from Aussie
Wow! Wow! Wow! A brilliant poem/story. It must have taken you days to put this together. They were a great duo and she was an amazing drummer. The seventies were the best days for real music. Today, I don't listen to the rubbish called music. I loved your writing my friend. K xx
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2024
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Wow! Wow! Wow! A brilliant poem/story. It must have taken you days to put this together. They were a great duo and she was an amazing drummer. The seventies were the best days for real music. Today, I don't listen to the rubbish called music. I loved your writing my friend. K xx
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2024
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Kay, thank you so much for this wonderful review! I'm delighted you enjoyed. This means so much to me. Take care Debbie
Comment from T B Botts
Hello Debbie,
once again you've uncovered a story that few have ever known about. I knew that Karen was dealing with an eating disorder, but so many other things were surprising to hear. I'd never heard that she was anything but thin. I didn't realize that she did a solo album or even that she had been married. I think I was probably at the farm when so much of the information you mentioned was happening. It's tragic that someone with so much talent should have their life shortened so drastically. Thanks for sharing this gal.
Have a blessed day.
Tom
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2024
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Hello Debbie,
once again you've uncovered a story that few have ever known about. I knew that Karen was dealing with an eating disorder, but so many other things were surprising to hear. I'd never heard that she was anything but thin. I didn't realize that she did a solo album or even that she had been married. I think I was probably at the farm when so much of the information you mentioned was happening. It's tragic that someone with so much talent should have their life shortened so drastically. Thanks for sharing this gal.
Have a blessed day.
Tom
Comment Written 18-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much, Tom, for this kind and very thoughtful review! Yes, she was caught up in an age of dieting from the start, not least because her mother hadn't exactly instilled much self esteem in her. Then, when she received digs from her fans about being (possibly) cherubic, she launched herself into an increasingly strict regime of eating, exercise and laxatives which was gradually killing her. At least, that way, she could regain some control following all that lost over the course of her upbringing and career. Even the solo album was, I guess, her way of exerting control. Thank you again,Tom. Take care Debbie
Comment from Sanku
Yesterday Once More ,Iam on the top of the world--these are my favourites. I enjoy their soft soothing music much more than the loud and fast types..Thank you for this biographical poem..
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2024
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Yesterday Once More ,Iam on the top of the world--these are my favourites. I enjoy their soft soothing music much more than the loud and fast types..Thank you for this biographical poem..
Comment Written 18-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2024
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Thank you for your kind review, much appreciated! Take care Debbie
Comment from gramalot8
I grew up listening to ever song sung by the Carpenters. I sand these sings in my head as I read your poem. Great details within your rhythmic and rhymes. It was a tragedy in the music world and for her listening fans when Karen left this earthly exist. I hope shes sang many a song with the Angels.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2024
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I grew up listening to ever song sung by the Carpenters. I sand these sings in my head as I read your poem. Great details within your rhythmic and rhymes. It was a tragedy in the music world and for her listening fans when Karen left this earthly exist. I hope shes sang many a song with the Angels.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful review! I'm delighted this brought back memories for you. Take care Debbie
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Just reread this? sorry about the typos.. I?m on my phone and it?s harder to input.
Comment from John Ciarmello
I always spend so many pleasant moments hearing the music and learning about the lives of the people you write about. I'm listening now as I write your review. I'm a big fan of the Carpenters.
What would we do without you, Debbie? I love your work! Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2024
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I always spend so many pleasant moments hearing the music and learning about the lives of the people you write about. I'm listening now as I write your review. I'm a big fan of the Carpenters.
What would we do without you, Debbie? I love your work! Best, JohnC
Comment Written 18-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2024
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John, your lovely words make my day! Thank you so much for this special honour which I greatly value from you. Take care Debbie
