Mustangs by Design
Rhymed poem about Utah mustang horses27 total reviews
Comment from Jim Wile
This is a wonderful poem about a fascinating subject. I loved your consistent iambic heptameter meter which has always been one of my favorites. Your descriptions vividly captured both the spirit of these horses as well as the locale, and it was beautifully presented.
I think it would have read much better though, had you chosen to write it in rhyming couplets or groups of couplets. It just sounds more pleasing to the ear that way, and with heptameter, it's not that difficult to do because of the many different ways you can structure a line.
For example, your first four lines might have been:
Their gait is straight and striking, 'til the mustang, who's the lead,
will snort and scream a call to all his herd to now take heed
and halt where Utah's Mountains meet the grasslands to the west
within Tooele County, where the mustangs know what's best
to live out...
It takes a bit more time to make all those rhymes, but using a rhyming dictionary like wordhippo.com/what-is/words-that-rhyme-with/asked.html (which is also a great thesaurus for when you need a synonym if you can't make a good rhyme for your ending word) is a great tool for poets.
I think you did a fine job with the hard part (getting the meter perfect), and with a little more effort with the rhyme, this could be really great.
One caveat: With heptameter, I find it's better-sounding with an aabbccdd... rhyme scheme rather than a rhyme scheme like ababcdcd....
The reason is that you have to wait too long for the rhyme to occur, and you can lose the nice flow that way. Compare these two poems by Debbie D'arcy from her portfolio to see what I mean:
Martin Luther King Jnr.
Bob Marley
I gave her this suggestion after she wrote "Martin Luther King Jnr." See how much better "Bob Marley" sounds?
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2024
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This is a wonderful poem about a fascinating subject. I loved your consistent iambic heptameter meter which has always been one of my favorites. Your descriptions vividly captured both the spirit of these horses as well as the locale, and it was beautifully presented.
I think it would have read much better though, had you chosen to write it in rhyming couplets or groups of couplets. It just sounds more pleasing to the ear that way, and with heptameter, it's not that difficult to do because of the many different ways you can structure a line.
For example, your first four lines might have been:
Their gait is straight and striking, 'til the mustang, who's the lead,
will snort and scream a call to all his herd to now take heed
and halt where Utah's Mountains meet the grasslands to the west
within Tooele County, where the mustangs know what's best
to live out...
It takes a bit more time to make all those rhymes, but using a rhyming dictionary like wordhippo.com/what-is/words-that-rhyme-with/asked.html (which is also a great thesaurus for when you need a synonym if you can't make a good rhyme for your ending word) is a great tool for poets.
I think you did a fine job with the hard part (getting the meter perfect), and with a little more effort with the rhyme, this could be really great.
One caveat: With heptameter, I find it's better-sounding with an aabbccdd... rhyme scheme rather than a rhyme scheme like ababcdcd....
The reason is that you have to wait too long for the rhyme to occur, and you can lose the nice flow that way. Compare these two poems by Debbie D'arcy from her portfolio to see what I mean:
Martin Luther King Jnr.
Bob Marley
I gave her this suggestion after she wrote "Martin Luther King Jnr." See how much better "Bob Marley" sounds?
Comment Written 17-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2024
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Thank you for an excellent review. I learned a lot, too.
Comment from papa55mike
There has always been a passion that exists for the Mustang. It harkens back to the Wild West and a man and horse. What a wonderfully written poem. Best of luck with your writing!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2024
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There has always been a passion that exists for the Mustang. It harkens back to the Wild West and a man and horse. What a wonderfully written poem. Best of luck with your writing!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 17-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2024
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Thank you for a great five-star review!
Comment from Natureschild
This poem is a touching tribute to the resilience of the mustangs and the transformative power of their partnership with humans. It effectively captures the symbiotic relationship between these majestic creatures and those they help heal and guide.
The structure of the poem is consistent, and the punctuation is appropriately used to convey the intended meaning and rhythm.
Nicely done! - Terry
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2024
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This poem is a touching tribute to the resilience of the mustangs and the transformative power of their partnership with humans. It effectively captures the symbiotic relationship between these majestic creatures and those they help heal and guide.
The structure of the poem is consistent, and the punctuation is appropriately used to convey the intended meaning and rhythm.
Nicely done! - Terry
Comment Written 17-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2024
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Thank you for such a nice review.
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You are welcome.
Comment from RodG
I have never seen mustangs in the wild and you give us a vivid description of them in stanza one. I had never heard of mustang therapy, but I can see how teens might discover their feelings and doubts by getting to know a horse. I like your format very much. Rod
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2024
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I have never seen mustangs in the wild and you give us a vivid description of them in stanza one. I had never heard of mustang therapy, but I can see how teens might discover their feelings and doubts by getting to know a horse. I like your format very much. Rod
Comment Written 13-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2024
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Thank you for your super review and comments.
Comment from dragonpoet
Hi Chrystie
This is a nicely written poem showing the freedom and wildness of the mustangs. It is good that the government protects them by giving them fresh water. It seems the second stanza uses the taming of a wild horse with the calming down of wild teenagers.
Keep writing and stay healthy
Have a nice weekend.
Joan
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2024
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Hi Chrystie
This is a nicely written poem showing the freedom and wildness of the mustangs. It is good that the government protects them by giving them fresh water. It seems the second stanza uses the taming of a wild horse with the calming down of wild teenagers.
Keep writing and stay healthy
Have a nice weekend.
Joan
Comment Written 13-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2024
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Thank you for stopping by to read and review. Have a good weekend, too.
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No problem and thank you, Crystie.
Joan
Comment from jim vecchio
I love horses and your work was exemplary! Wish I had a sixth star! I learned much from you story/poem and made me wish I could get on a horse again! Maybe, someday. If I could regain mobility and live life out west, I'd be so happy!
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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I love horses and your work was exemplary! Wish I had a sixth star! I learned much from you story/poem and made me wish I could get on a horse again! Maybe, someday. If I could regain mobility and live life out west, I'd be so happy!
Comment Written 11-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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Thank you for your super review.
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I very much enjoy your words.
Comment from hullabaloo22
What a wonderful poem! The descriptions of the horses were really effective but the most striking thing to me was the attention you gave to the relationship between horse and human. So much can be learned by spending time with animals.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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What a wonderful poem! The descriptions of the horses were really effective but the most striking thing to me was the attention you gave to the relationship between horse and human. So much can be learned by spending time with animals.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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Thank you for your great review.
Comment from Begin Again
BEautiful ... the mustangs and your written thoughts. I live in the midwest but we have a small place that takes in horses and uses them for therapy. What a wonderful idea for the horses who need care but can give in return.
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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BEautiful ... the mustangs and your written thoughts. I live in the midwest but we have a small place that takes in horses and uses them for therapy. What a wonderful idea for the horses who need care but can give in return.
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 11-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
This reads like prose. There is no space between the lines. You have only one break in this tome. The way the sentences are mashed together gave me a headache, and I could not finish reading it. Run on sentences. The structure is all wrong. The picture is wonderful. The matting is fine. I would have chosen something a little bit darker to brighten the picture.
The font could use a larger size. We have a lot of folks here with eye troubles. Those are all my opinions. So you can get out the doll and start sticking the pins in.
Karen :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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This reads like prose. There is no space between the lines. You have only one break in this tome. The way the sentences are mashed together gave me a headache, and I could not finish reading it. Run on sentences. The structure is all wrong. The picture is wonderful. The matting is fine. I would have chosen something a little bit darker to brighten the picture.
The font could use a larger size. We have a lot of folks here with eye troubles. Those are all my opinions. So you can get out the doll and start sticking the pins in.
Karen :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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Thanks for stopping by to read and review.
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U are welcome. From what i could tell, you know how the tell a story, you just need more structure. Keep writing you will learn little by little and refine.
I did not know poetry. I am now writing haiku, senryn, tanks, and others. Good luck. Karen
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Smiles :)
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:-)
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
This is a very interesting and well written story. It's also very informative and I enjoyed reading it. To use full descriptions so that the reader knows exactly what you want to convey. Photo imagery works very well with your words and story. Thank you for sharing this.
Best wishes
Alex
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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This is a very interesting and well written story. It's also very informative and I enjoyed reading it. To use full descriptions so that the reader knows exactly what you want to convey. Photo imagery works very well with your words and story. Thank you for sharing this.
Best wishes
Alex
Comment Written 10-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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Thank you for your kind review.
