That Girl, What's Her Name?
bullying6 total reviews
Comment from nancyjam
Congratulations on posting your first poem here. It's very good and imparts an important message.
Bullying is shamefully happening everywhere and it is tragic. We need to step in whenever or wherever we see it happening.
Thanks for sharing.
Nancy
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Congratulations on posting your first poem here. It's very good and imparts an important message.
Bullying is shamefully happening everywhere and it is tragic. We need to step in whenever or wherever we see it happening.
Thanks for sharing.
Nancy
Comment Written 16-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Thank you for your review. I would have responded sooner, but I was unaware of this feature. Most of my children's poetry is not this dark. I just wanted to try something new.
Comment from kiwisteveh
Hi, Lisa. Welcome to FanStory and congrats in jumping in with this first poem.
You present a thought-provoking piece and maybe a tale that is all to familiar to many of us. You manage to raise the reader's sympathy for the bullied girl, driven to take her own life.
As to the writing, to be frank it feels a little basic. The couplet rhyme and the regular, slightly bouncy rhythm doesn't really suit the seriousness of the subject. It also becomes a little preachy towards the end. Try to let the story speak for itself without 'lecturing' your readers about how they should feel. personally, I would have ended this after 'she died in there.' giving the piece a stark and dramatic ending. (Check out the poem Richard Cory by Edwin Arlington Robinson)
Please don't be offended by the criticism. It is sent your way with the best of intentions.
I would recommend that you consider using free verse for deep themes like this. or perhaps more subtlety in rhyme schemes. Perhaps a diet of reading Sylvia Plath, who also chose to opt out of life...
All the best for your future writing.
Steve
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Hi, Lisa. Welcome to FanStory and congrats in jumping in with this first poem.
You present a thought-provoking piece and maybe a tale that is all to familiar to many of us. You manage to raise the reader's sympathy for the bullied girl, driven to take her own life.
As to the writing, to be frank it feels a little basic. The couplet rhyme and the regular, slightly bouncy rhythm doesn't really suit the seriousness of the subject. It also becomes a little preachy towards the end. Try to let the story speak for itself without 'lecturing' your readers about how they should feel. personally, I would have ended this after 'she died in there.' giving the piece a stark and dramatic ending. (Check out the poem Richard Cory by Edwin Arlington Robinson)
Please don't be offended by the criticism. It is sent your way with the best of intentions.
I would recommend that you consider using free verse for deep themes like this. or perhaps more subtlety in rhyme schemes. Perhaps a diet of reading Sylvia Plath, who also chose to opt out of life...
All the best for your future writing.
Steve
Comment Written 13-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Criticism is given to expand the process not insult, so thank you for your review.
Comment from Jodi Ann Anderson
This one made me cry! This is something that is happening all the time! It's a sad reality that people are being bullied, and kill themselves as a result. Thanks for sharing this and welcome to Fanstory!
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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This one made me cry! This is something that is happening all the time! It's a sad reality that people are being bullied, and kill themselves as a result. Thanks for sharing this and welcome to Fanstory!
Comment Written 13-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Thank you for your review and the warm welcome.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, that is an interesting take and a moral, I fear many will agree with. But, there is another clear moral, and steps not taken or mentioned in many of these sad stories. Why wait for 'someone else' to intervene? Why wait for someone else to stop the bullying? The hard truth about life is, that you are responsible for your life. You must value it. You must protect and defend it. You have free will and fighting back is a choice. Not doing that, and farming responsibility to others, comes with risk and cost.
A thought provoking post.
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Hmm, that is an interesting take and a moral, I fear many will agree with. But, there is another clear moral, and steps not taken or mentioned in many of these sad stories. Why wait for 'someone else' to intervene? Why wait for someone else to stop the bullying? The hard truth about life is, that you are responsible for your life. You must value it. You must protect and defend it. You have free will and fighting back is a choice. Not doing that, and farming responsibility to others, comes with risk and cost.
A thought provoking post.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Thank you for the review. I happen to agree with you. This was my way of opening the conversation because once one is aware of it happening to others then one can take responsibility to actions taken toward themselves.
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
Welcome and you will find myths supported from other authors it's a really nice place to be. This is a good topic for your first post, Showing what's important to you. Many of my writings poems stories have these kinds of themes you will find. This seems very important because children need people to understand and bullying needs to stop.
Else wishes
Alex
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Welcome and you will find myths supported from other authors it's a really nice place to be. This is a good topic for your first post, Showing what's important to you. Many of my writings poems stories have these kinds of themes you will find. This seems very important because children need people to understand and bullying needs to stop.
Else wishes
Alex
Comment Written 13-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Thank you for your review. Good luck with your writing.
Comment from royowen
It seems to be happening with monotonous regularity these days, those poor girls, and there was actually a male in the mix, although that's hard to understand, welcome to fanstory, and a great post as an entry in this contest, well done, good luck, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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It seems to be happening with monotonous regularity these days, those poor girls, and there was actually a male in the mix, although that's hard to understand, welcome to fanstory, and a great post as an entry in this contest, well done, good luck, blessings Roy
Comment Written 13-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Thank you for your review and well wishes.
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Most welcome
