Proelium
A dark and humorous farce about a man battling the elements.8 total reviews
Comment from Mark Jackson
This piece is a exploration of human endurance and the power of the human spirit. It leaves a lasting impression, reminding readers of the strength that lies within us all, even in the darkest of times. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-May-2024
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This piece is a exploration of human endurance and the power of the human spirit. It leaves a lasting impression, reminding readers of the strength that lies within us all, even in the darkest of times. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 01-May-2024
reply by the author on 01-May-2024
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I have read your poems and know your honesty. Thank you.
Comment from FurryBunny
"The Light Between Oceans is a well-written novel with lyrical prose and evocative descriptions that bring the Australian coastal setting to life. M.L. Stedman captures the nuances of human emotions, making the characters relatable and the emotional stakes palpable. The natural and authentic dialogue adds depth to the narrative, creating a compelling and engaging read that will linger in readers' minds."
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2024
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"The Light Between Oceans is a well-written novel with lyrical prose and evocative descriptions that bring the Australian coastal setting to life. M.L. Stedman captures the nuances of human emotions, making the characters relatable and the emotional stakes palpable. The natural and authentic dialogue adds depth to the narrative, creating a compelling and engaging read that will linger in readers' minds."
Comment Written 30-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2024
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Thank you for the references.
Comment from Shirley Ann Bunyan
Eean, this is really good. I was immersed in your antics.
"Oh crap", I exclaimed, "I should have worn a hat"!
That made me laugh!
Apart from a few minor blips, I felt there was one major weakness in the story. I think the protagonist needs an actual reason to want to fight the storm. There needs to be an imperative motive why he HAS to go out - even though he's eager to take up the fight with the elements. Just a thought.
Otherwise, a very absorbing read and worth polishing. Well done!
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2024
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Eean, this is really good. I was immersed in your antics.
"Oh crap", I exclaimed, "I should have worn a hat"!
That made me laugh!
Apart from a few minor blips, I felt there was one major weakness in the story. I think the protagonist needs an actual reason to want to fight the storm. There needs to be an imperative motive why he HAS to go out - even though he's eager to take up the fight with the elements. Just a thought.
Otherwise, a very absorbing read and worth polishing. Well done!
Comment Written 21-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2024
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Ohhh, more than makes sense. I do see it. My dream is to infuse Shakespeare and, strangely, Edgar Allen Poe without sounding pretentious. It has to feel right. Thanks so much.
Comment from Sandollar
knowing all to well the truth. It reads better. Knowing the truth all too well. Also the word too is for also.
a thought, that one should step out and greet the world, not pull the world into himself. I like this line a lot.
"Son-of-a-bitch!" ,I exclaimed. "Could it possibly get any worse?" As I turned to go back inside, my question was abruptly answered. If wind doth be an invisible demon, then Ice must be the devil? Working in conjunction, these two entities can wreak devastating havoc on a soul. And they did!
(Nice comparison between ice and the devil and demons.)
I attempted to raise myself, but, the back of my head seemed to be frozen to the porch. Reluctantly and painfully, I jerked my neck forward and separated my head from the ice. Mustering all my strength, I rolled onto my stomach, giving me the horrific view of a huge pool of my blood and hair frozen on the snow and ice. The sharp, searing pain on the back of my head coupled with the amount of blood in the snow, alerted me to the massive laceration in the back of my scalp. I reached around to locate the gash, but felt nothing but cold, spongy, congealed blood. "Oh crap", I exclaimed, "I should have worn a hat"! (This line scared me so good job)
Alas, this battle was not over. Wind, along with it's compatriot the devil ice, and I, alone, battered and beaten and left seriously deficient in my physical wherewithal, were locked. (I think there are too many commas in this sentence. Try to break it up a little.)
Perhaps remove the word thankfully.
Explain what Adoria meant for those readers who don't understand.
There are a few errors found, but I gave you a four rating because the story itself was very interesting. I was on the edge of my seat waiting to find out if he would even make it out of the cabin. You have a great way with words and descriptive narrative.
Good Job!
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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knowing all to well the truth. It reads better. Knowing the truth all too well. Also the word too is for also.
a thought, that one should step out and greet the world, not pull the world into himself. I like this line a lot.
"Son-of-a-bitch!" ,I exclaimed. "Could it possibly get any worse?" As I turned to go back inside, my question was abruptly answered. If wind doth be an invisible demon, then Ice must be the devil? Working in conjunction, these two entities can wreak devastating havoc on a soul. And they did!
(Nice comparison between ice and the devil and demons.)
I attempted to raise myself, but, the back of my head seemed to be frozen to the porch. Reluctantly and painfully, I jerked my neck forward and separated my head from the ice. Mustering all my strength, I rolled onto my stomach, giving me the horrific view of a huge pool of my blood and hair frozen on the snow and ice. The sharp, searing pain on the back of my head coupled with the amount of blood in the snow, alerted me to the massive laceration in the back of my scalp. I reached around to locate the gash, but felt nothing but cold, spongy, congealed blood. "Oh crap", I exclaimed, "I should have worn a hat"! (This line scared me so good job)
Alas, this battle was not over. Wind, along with it's compatriot the devil ice, and I, alone, battered and beaten and left seriously deficient in my physical wherewithal, were locked. (I think there are too many commas in this sentence. Try to break it up a little.)
Perhaps remove the word thankfully.
Explain what Adoria meant for those readers who don't understand.
There are a few errors found, but I gave you a four rating because the story itself was very interesting. I was on the edge of my seat waiting to find out if he would even make it out of the cabin. You have a great way with words and descriptive narrative.
Good Job!
Comment Written 18-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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Thanks for pointing out errors and the constructive criticism. Thanks for the complement. I hope to grow.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Absolutely brilliant! Firstly though, congrats on your first milestone! Then, I loved this! It's rare that I laugh out loud on this site but this had me in stitches. So much so, (I must be some kind of sadist) I was disappointed when you got through the back door! You have wonderful powers of description, humour (self-deprecating, my favourite kind) and story-telling. This was a real farce of epic proportions and a joy to read. I would, however, suggest that you define proelium in an author note. You could do with just checking over punctuation as there are some errant full-stops scattered throughout. And some small edits:
pull the world into (oneself); can one's body be "flaccid and freezing" at the same time? its digits ( no need for an apostrophe after 's';
But very well done! Debbie
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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Absolutely brilliant! Firstly though, congrats on your first milestone! Then, I loved this! It's rare that I laugh out loud on this site but this had me in stitches. So much so, (I must be some kind of sadist) I was disappointed when you got through the back door! You have wonderful powers of description, humour (self-deprecating, my favourite kind) and story-telling. This was a real farce of epic proportions and a joy to read. I would, however, suggest that you define proelium in an author note. You could do with just checking over punctuation as there are some errant full-stops scattered throughout. And some small edits:
pull the world into (oneself); can one's body be "flaccid and freezing" at the same time? its digits ( no need for an apostrophe after 's';
But very well done! Debbie
Comment Written 18-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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Thanks very much.
Comment from Lanel Haywood
First, congratulations on your first milestone. This was very much a humorous tale. There were times where I felt myself starting to get bored, but I was always pulled back in. Very well written!
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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First, congratulations on your first milestone. This was very much a humorous tale. There were times where I felt myself starting to get bored, but I was always pulled back in. Very well written!
Comment Written 18-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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Sadly, I also got bored. Writing a novel would be out of the question, but writing is fun.
Comment from royowen
I think you will do well here, you've written a fairly accomplished post, and it resounds nicely. With the imagination, so the.descriptive quality is very good. You placed a fiction heading to it, but made it sound like a happening, well done, welcome to fanstory, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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I think you will do well here, you've written a fairly accomplished post, and it resounds nicely. With the imagination, so the.descriptive quality is very good. You placed a fiction heading to it, but made it sound like a happening, well done, welcome to fanstory, blessings Roy
Comment Written 18-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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All thanks.
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Pleasure
Comment from Spitfire
A 'smashing' personification of a violent storm. I never heard that word before but I love it. I could visualize and feel what was happening. Phrases I liked particularly:
--a quelling of energy and passion was fueling my dress.
-- the back of my head seemed to be frozen to the porch.
--wind howling in laughter
-- "I have nothing to lose but my life". (LOL)
A good closing sentence.
I do think you need to get away from the use of passive voice. So many 'was' and 'were' in here could be reworded e.g.
'Pressing and ominous was this morning sky, yet, still there was a beauty;' could be Although pressing and ominous the morning sky still there held beauty;
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2024
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A 'smashing' personification of a violent storm. I never heard that word before but I love it. I could visualize and feel what was happening. Phrases I liked particularly:
--a quelling of energy and passion was fueling my dress.
-- the back of my head seemed to be frozen to the porch.
--wind howling in laughter
-- "I have nothing to lose but my life". (LOL)
A good closing sentence.
I do think you need to get away from the use of passive voice. So many 'was' and 'were' in here could be reworded e.g.
'Pressing and ominous was this morning sky, yet, still there was a beauty;' could be Although pressing and ominous the morning sky still there held beauty;
Comment Written 17-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2024
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Thank you for this bit of information. My first draft was actually written in first person present tense or whatever you call it. Sometimes going with your first instincts would work.
