Travesty
when times get slow for a cowboy30 total reviews
Comment from jmdg1954
Jim,
I thoroughly enjoyed this story, sad as it was.
I found the tale gripping to keep my interest. Your description of how dry the terrain was in this western town was perfect.
One question... you wrote that Tonyerias gun was out of bullets so he dropped it and pulled out his knife cutting the sheriff. Then - Tonteria ducked behind a tree, pointing his gun, with me as the target.
Second gun? I just found that confusing...
Still, six stars for me!
John
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Jim,
I thoroughly enjoyed this story, sad as it was.
I found the tale gripping to keep my interest. Your description of how dry the terrain was in this western town was perfect.
One question... you wrote that Tonyerias gun was out of bullets so he dropped it and pulled out his knife cutting the sheriff. Then - Tonteria ducked behind a tree, pointing his gun, with me as the target.
Second gun? I just found that confusing...
Still, six stars for me!
John
Comment Written 29-Apr-2024
Comment from Esther Brown
What a strange way to write. Pick words at random and put a story to it. Truth be told I read every word and think I enjoyed it. Sort of. I love cowboy stories and true love. You do well with those kinds of fiction.
I have been gone for a bit in Florida. Trying to catch up. Write on...Esther
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What a strange way to write. Pick words at random and put a story to it. Truth be told I read every word and think I enjoyed it. Sort of. I love cowboy stories and true love. You do well with those kinds of fiction.
I have been gone for a bit in Florida. Trying to catch up. Write on...Esther
Comment Written 28-Apr-2024
Comment from Mark Jackson
This narrative is a gripping tale of redemption, revenge, and the harsh realities of life in the Old West. Through vivid imagery and compelling storytelling, you transport the reader to a world of dusty streets, lawlessness, and the pursuit of justice in a lawless land.
Overall, this narrative is a riveting exploration of the complexities of morality, justice, and the human condition. It is a testament to your skill as a storyteller, weaving together themes of love, loss, and redemption in a gripping and thought-provoking tale that will linger in the reader's mind long after the last word has been read.
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This narrative is a gripping tale of redemption, revenge, and the harsh realities of life in the Old West. Through vivid imagery and compelling storytelling, you transport the reader to a world of dusty streets, lawlessness, and the pursuit of justice in a lawless land.
Overall, this narrative is a riveting exploration of the complexities of morality, justice, and the human condition. It is a testament to your skill as a storyteller, weaving together themes of love, loss, and redemption in a gripping and thought-provoking tale that will linger in the reader's mind long after the last word has been read.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2024
Comment from Wendy G
What a great story, very well written, and well chosen words and pairings from the Bible itself. The story was a sad one, but unfortunately possibly very realistic. A fine entry - sending you best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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What a great story, very well written, and well chosen words and pairings from the Bible itself. The story was a sad one, but unfortunately possibly very realistic. A fine entry - sending you best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 27-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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I am so thankful for your kind words!
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was terrific. I love how you start it. The scorching heat and the slow pace of life in the town set the stage for the violent turn of events. I like how you show the sheriff seeking action in a seemingly tranquil town. So well developed . The story is enjoyable. The action feels real. This was such an enjoyable read!
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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I thought this was terrific. I love how you start it. The scorching heat and the slow pace of life in the town set the stage for the violent turn of events. I like how you show the sheriff seeking action in a seemingly tranquil town. So well developed . The story is enjoyable. The action feels real. This was such an enjoyable read!
Comment Written 26-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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You are very kind and I thank you greatly!
Comment from Sally Law
I see this contest was more for those who'd participated in the first contest. I was going to join in, but the rules were--shall I say--complicated. I would have liked to pick my own nouns and verbs. You did an excellent job (once again) with your western story, Jim. Most enjoyable.
Sending you my best today as always, and my very best wishes for the upcoming vote.
Sal xoxo
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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I see this contest was more for those who'd participated in the first contest. I was going to join in, but the rules were--shall I say--complicated. I would have liked to pick my own nouns and verbs. You did an excellent job (once again) with your western story, Jim. Most enjoyable.
Sending you my best today as always, and my very best wishes for the upcoming vote.
Sal xoxo
Comment Written 26-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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It was extremely complicated-You're right! Thank you for your kind words. By the way, our Activities Dept. has attempted to contact your Son's Church. If they can't, then I will try.
Comment from Bill Schott
This action-packed story brings the bored sheriff into the reality of what the flip side of his job entails. The loss of his wife (Mara/Moira), and his deputy, along with the wounds on the outside remind him of the position he holds.
They feel like (like) cakes in a skillet.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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This action-packed story brings the bored sheriff into the reality of what the flip side of his job entails. The loss of his wife (Mara/Moira), and his deputy, along with the wounds on the outside remind him of the position he holds.
They feel like (like) cakes in a skillet.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Thanks for pointing out the typo. I hadn't been getting much sleep lately! I appreciate your kind review!
Comment from GoWiSt
"They feel like like cakes in a skillet." Take out one of the 'like'.
"No sense in both of us getting' sunsick." Take out the apostrophe after getting.
"the spectral figure seemed to form into the face of Moira." Did you mean Mara? Or is this a different character?
What had the speaker (the sheriff), earlier as a tanner, so done to Tonteria to evoke such a long-standing grudge against him?
If the speaker only poked just his head into Mara's room, how did he get shot in the shoulder? Only the front of his head was visible.
And why did Tonteria bother throwing his knife when he could easily have turned around and shot/killed the speaker? Bullets travel faster than thrown blades.
Interesting tale, but some things just don't neatly tie in well enough. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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"They feel like like cakes in a skillet." Take out one of the 'like'.
"No sense in both of us getting' sunsick." Take out the apostrophe after getting.
"the spectral figure seemed to form into the face of Moira." Did you mean Mara? Or is this a different character?
What had the speaker (the sheriff), earlier as a tanner, so done to Tonteria to evoke such a long-standing grudge against him?
If the speaker only poked just his head into Mara's room, how did he get shot in the shoulder? Only the front of his head was visible.
And why did Tonteria bother throwing his knife when he could easily have turned around and shot/killed the speaker? Bullets travel faster than thrown blades.
Interesting tale, but some things just don't neatly tie in well enough. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Some of the above I fixed. I'll edit the rest. Thank you so much!
Comment from Ulla
Yes, there comes a time when you realise it not worth it. I really liked this entry for the contest. It's a complicated one but you did well with the Western story, Jim. I'm tempted to enter as well. Good luck, Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2024
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Yes, there comes a time when you realise it not worth it. I really liked this entry for the contest. It's a complicated one but you did well with the Western story, Jim. I'm tempted to enter as well. Good luck, Ulla:)))
Comment Written 24-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2024
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Thank you so much ! Please enter. You can't go wrong by discovering the treasure of your words.
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I have entered, now to write it, Lol.
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I wish you the very best and I'll be rooting for you!
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That is so kind of you!
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I always enjoy reading your words!
Comment from lancellot
Structurally, this is well written and edited but the sequences of events and action do not jibe. Why was the deputy even near the sheriff's home? How did the bad find the sheriff after all that time, know he was sheriff, know the deputy, know where the sheriff lived, then go through all that to kill everyone but the sheriff. So much doesn't add up in the actual "Story" Too much is told and not shown or explained.
There's nothing to worry about. You can cancel it online with your phone.
-Wait why would a gunfighter, bother hanging a stranger?
He must've followed my trail till he found me. This was a warning.
- Wait a minute. What trail? He had been sheriff so long he was wearing a hole in his desk.
When I poked my head in, Tonteria fired a shot. I moved just in time for it to crease my right shoulder.
- A gunfighter missed at that rang, while knowing and hearing his victim enter the house??
Still suffering the fire inside me, I lunged upon Tonteria, but saw it was already too late for Mara. She breathed her last.
Suddenly, I went savage. I don't exactly remember all my actions at the time, but I tackled Tonteria with everything I had.
- All of this in... one or two seconds. And doesn't Tonteria just fire a second or third shot?
Tonteria managed to slide out quick enough to jump through the bedside window.
I followed, so closely behind.
Tonteria pulled out a carving knife, heaving it through the air. It found its mark just below the bullet crease, compounding my pain.
= None of this makes sense. Why would the gunfighter jump through the window and run? Why not just shoot the sheriff after escaping the tackle?
-Why run?
_Why throw a knife, when he has a gun?
As he fired, the pain caused me to drop to my knees. The bullet missed its mark.
-He missed again?
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Structurally, this is well written and edited but the sequences of events and action do not jibe. Why was the deputy even near the sheriff's home? How did the bad find the sheriff after all that time, know he was sheriff, know the deputy, know where the sheriff lived, then go through all that to kill everyone but the sheriff. So much doesn't add up in the actual "Story" Too much is told and not shown or explained.
There's nothing to worry about. You can cancel it online with your phone.
-Wait why would a gunfighter, bother hanging a stranger?
He must've followed my trail till he found me. This was a warning.
- Wait a minute. What trail? He had been sheriff so long he was wearing a hole in his desk.
When I poked my head in, Tonteria fired a shot. I moved just in time for it to crease my right shoulder.
- A gunfighter missed at that rang, while knowing and hearing his victim enter the house??
Still suffering the fire inside me, I lunged upon Tonteria, but saw it was already too late for Mara. She breathed her last.
Suddenly, I went savage. I don't exactly remember all my actions at the time, but I tackled Tonteria with everything I had.
- All of this in... one or two seconds. And doesn't Tonteria just fire a second or third shot?
Tonteria managed to slide out quick enough to jump through the bedside window.
I followed, so closely behind.
Tonteria pulled out a carving knife, heaving it through the air. It found its mark just below the bullet crease, compounding my pain.
= None of this makes sense. Why would the gunfighter jump through the window and run? Why not just shoot the sheriff after escaping the tackle?
-Why run?
_Why throw a knife, when he has a gun?
As he fired, the pain caused me to drop to my knees. The bullet missed its mark.
-He missed again?
Comment Written 23-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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I appreciate your kindness. I tried to edit some of the above. I am still learning how to write and always welcome any comments to improve.
