Comment from T B Botts

Excellent

Hi Jim,
Brian seems to be a bit of a slow learner, but then, love has a way of making a fellow lose his mind. I was never much of a party goer, and to this day I've never tried pot. Twice I think I got drunk, once on beer. It wasn't fun, and I never cared to repeat the experience. It's going to be interesting to see where this goes. Well done Jim.
Have a blessed evening.
Tom

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2024

Comment from lancellot

Excellent

Hmm, I would recommend looking at the pacing of this chapter again. Things happen fast, time skips with little happening. He is a teen and went over a year without another pretty girl popping up in the entire school. Also, for introvert, he sure slipped out it very easily with no motivation. IE: He went to a party, not a friend. Why now? Why that one? He took weed without persuasion or curiosity and smoked it. How did he even know what was in it? (He's intelligent right?) He hadn't interacted with Sandi in over a year, and then made a beeline to her with a different personality. Why?

I think it needs more fleshing out. People, even teenage boys aren't that simple. You know how many times they fall in love or lust in a month?

 Comment Written 26-Jun-2024

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reply by the author on 27-Jun-2024

Nice to hear from you again, Lance. I've missed those Hmm's.

I can see how you thought some of this was inconsistent with being an introvert, and I've decided to remove that from his description of himself. People have different interpretations of what that means, so it's better to just not label him. He is what he is, whatever you want to call him, and it's best not to try to put a name to it.

To address a few of your concerns:

I didn't mean to imply he'd had no contact with other girls who interested him in the year between the car wash incident and the party. He very well may have; I just didn't go into any detail about that year because I'm just trying to focus on the events that shape his future, and I didn't feel there would be any purpose to describing other such relationships or encounters.

The party he went to was his chance for a little bit of freedom when big sister was away for the first time. When the cat's away, and all that. That was his motivation for going. Don Robbins may not have been a close friend, but he was an acquaintance throwing a rave-style party where anyone could come. I went to a party like that myself when I was his age at a guy's house I barely knew.

He'd never had weed before, and knew little about it, so why would he be suspicious it might be laced with anything? Plus, this was 2008, and I'm not even sure it was common to lace pot with anything back then. Sure he had a different personality--he was stoned and tipsy, and his inhibitions were down, and seeing Sandi in a skimpy bikini again after all that time, is it that strange that he made a beeline to her?

I appreciate your reading this so closely. I make more changes to the story based on your input than anyone else's. And even if I don't always agree with everything, it's always good to see how others perceive it, and it always makes me think.

reply by lancellot on 27-Jun-2024

It is a good chapter. It just felt like you were speeding through to a conclusion or event. The accident, I guess. I recommend changing the weed to alcohol. It is not easy to smoke your first time like that, again without a push or reason, and he coughed once, then dived into it. As far as the girl. There again, I would go with alcohol, weed calms and mellows you, not make you braver or bolder, or forget your past shame.

The thing about the time skip, is that it makes it more implausible a teen boy, would still be hung up on a single girl (with his limited contact of) considering all the other beautiful girls and women a teen sees. At that age most boys follow the organ that swings, not the heart.

Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill

Excellent

Nitwits are born every minute. I am busier than a one armed paperhanger at a wallpaper convention. I do not have time to review each one in order to catch up. Good theme. Good work. Karen

 Comment Written 26-Jun-2024

Comment from tfawcus

Excellent

I remember our daughter going to a party a bit like that years ago and driving us frantic! Fortunately not with such disastrous consequences. You've left us on a knife edge here. How bad is the damage, I wonder. Guess I need to wait for the next chapter to find out!

 Comment Written 25-Jun-2024

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reply by the author on 26-Jun-2024

I'll bet that was nerve wracking. Fortunately, our kids didn't know anyone who would have held a party like this.The damage is bad enough that he will rue this day for a long time.

Comment from Thesis

Excellent

This guy is a train wreck over this girl. Clearly his infatuation is a one way street. He has some deep issues. It seems like he is going to be sorry for exercising his four day freedom, especially when his sister trusted him enough to leave him alone.

 Comment Written 25-Jun-2024

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reply by the author on 26-Jun-2024

Yep, he certainly betrayed his sister's faith in him--something it will be hard to win back.

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Oh dear, so in his haste to get away he forgot to put on his headlights and now he's driven into something. He did behave as an immature jerk earlier on. It's a great chapter. Ulla:)))

 Comment Written 25-Jun-2024

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reply by the author on 26-Jun-2024

Thanks, Ulla. He got perhaps a little more than he deserved, but bad things can happen when you act like an immature jerk.

Comment from Pearl Edwards

Exceptional

The good old VW Beetle. They were popular if not overly cool. It's true when Brian says how significant one brief encounter can become in your life, in his case I'm thinking not a good thing. A good ending to this chapter full of teenage drama Jim.
Enjoyed it, cheers.
Valda

 Comment Written 25-Jun-2024

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reply by the author on 25-Jun-2024

Thanks very much, Valda. I really appreciate that 6 too. The rest of the story will be his attempt to recover from that one ridiculous incident.

Comment from LJbutterfly

Exceptional

This chapter proves you still have a clear grasp of the faulty thinking of a teenaged boy. With his sister unavailable to keep an eye on him, he took the opportunity to experience the wild side. We now know he needed his sister's watchful eye and advice. He made mistakes with Sandi, her male friend, and his hurried exit from the party. Now oblivion. What's next?

Great descriptions.

 Comment Written 24-Jun-2024

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reply by the author on 25-Jun-2024

Almost as bad as a toddler; you can't take your eyes off them for a minute. He's now going to need her help to recover from this serious mistake. Thanks very much for your great review and for the 6 too, Lorraine.

Comment from Carol Hillebrenner

Exceptional

This is a well-written chapter leading up to some kind of tragedy. Brian does everything wrong at the party as someone who has to drive home, and he doesn't do well by Sandi either. This one night is, as he says, going to shape the rest of his life, and his sister isn't there to help him.

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2024

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2024

Yep, he has only himself to blame for this bit of lunacy, and will now have to pay a difficult price for it.

Thanks so much for those 6 stars, Carol.

Comment from jmdg1954

Excellent

Jim, I read this during my lunch break ( yeah I'm kind of a dork), and found it well written.

Dialogue in my view was authentic for all the players.
Brian continued his being who he's not attitude which only results in shoeing his immaturity. This lead to his "smoking weed and drinking"... culminating in possibly hitting a tree...

I'm sure we'll find out in the next chapter.

You have a niche in keeping me entertained and anting more... maybe because I see some of myself in him?

Excellent.
John

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2024

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2024

There's probably a little Brian in most of us guys when we were teenagers.

Yep, we'll get to see the origin of the dramatic impact that event begins to have on his life in the next chapter.