Unfinished Brushstrokes
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Unfinished Brushstrokes - Chap 1"story of love, loss, new beginnings and secrets.
19 total reviews
Comment from Julie Helms
Everything I listed below is a usage suggestion (not a right or wrong thing):
Jonathan's words **piqued** Trevor's attention
(Since the common expression is "piqued his curiosity" I had to stop and figure out if you were using the word correctly. You could make an argument for it being ok, but it's interrupting the flow because of odd usage. I'd simply say, "got T's attention." Sometimes creative description feels strained and just slows down the reader, and you don't want that.)
At the **sounds** of Megan's stilettos tapping against the hardwood floor (sound)
She wiped away the threatening tears,
(If they are threatening, then there aren't any tears to wipe yet)
An orchestra of icy fingers strummed Jenna's spine,
(I consider this edging into purple prose. I understand you're showing not telling, but this description is so over the top it stops the reader's flow)
"But --" Jenna stammered,
(In dialogue, the em dash usually means someone was cut off abruptly. I think what you mean here is more:
"But..." Jenna stammered"
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2024
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Everything I listed below is a usage suggestion (not a right or wrong thing):
Jonathan's words **piqued** Trevor's attention
(Since the common expression is "piqued his curiosity" I had to stop and figure out if you were using the word correctly. You could make an argument for it being ok, but it's interrupting the flow because of odd usage. I'd simply say, "got T's attention." Sometimes creative description feels strained and just slows down the reader, and you don't want that.)
At the **sounds** of Megan's stilettos tapping against the hardwood floor (sound)
She wiped away the threatening tears,
(If they are threatening, then there aren't any tears to wipe yet)
An orchestra of icy fingers strummed Jenna's spine,
(I consider this edging into purple prose. I understand you're showing not telling, but this description is so over the top it stops the reader's flow)
"But --" Jenna stammered,
(In dialogue, the em dash usually means someone was cut off abruptly. I think what you mean here is more:
"But..." Jenna stammered"
Comment Written 20-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2024
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Happy to see your smiling face again. I have wanted to join a few of your contests but with this story taking not only my time but any $$ available, I can't manage it. But I will in time. I promise.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Oh I love the last line-adventure and intrigue surely lure me in.
Murder, mayhem, ghosts and money are perfect plot thickeners and lead to fine reading.
Written with talent and style and a pleasure to read.
Blessings
Shirley
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2024
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Oh I love the last line-adventure and intrigue surely lure me in.
Murder, mayhem, ghosts and money are perfect plot thickeners and lead to fine reading.
Written with talent and style and a pleasure to read.
Blessings
Shirley
Comment Written 18-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2024
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You are so kind to me. Thank uyou for all your comments and the lovely stars. I am thrilled you are enjoying the story.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Ric Myworld
I sure don't like giving 5 stars to a much more deserving piece of writing and story, but a month on the road and I've wasted 30 plus of a possible 42. I've also wasted all the Fan dollars that could have been collected. Of course, now, I'm strictly reading for enjoyment and playing catch up on the few of my favorite writers. It's almost like a fix. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2024
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I sure don't like giving 5 stars to a much more deserving piece of writing and story, but a month on the road and I've wasted 30 plus of a possible 42. I've also wasted all the Fan dollars that could have been collected. Of course, now, I'm strictly reading for enjoyment and playing catch up on the few of my favorite writers. It's almost like a fix. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2024
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Don't worry about the sixes. I'm thrilled you are willing to read my story and I can't wait to hear what you think. Only one ghost running around in this one but lots murder, theivery and deception. If you don't want to read all of it...I can give you a quick summary.
You are the best! thank you!
Smiles, Carol
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I'd rather read every word. :-)
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thank you
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Great story, Carol. We see a ghost again, which I'm guessing you got comfortable with when writing your last story. I like the love lost storyline and the family that can't quite get it all together.
Hugs,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2024
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Great story, Carol. We see a ghost again, which I'm guessing you got comfortable with when writing your last story. I like the love lost storyline and the family that can't quite get it all together.
Hugs,
Rhonda
Comment Written 10-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2024
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Eleanor probably won't play a big part in the storyline but she's fun to drop in once in a while...
Smiles, Carol
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Oh, okay. I was starting to get attached, lol.
Comment from tfawcus
I love the setup, with all of the bickering and backbiting between the assembled relatives before the reading of the will. The idea of Eleanor controlling events from beyond the grave is an intriguing twist. Throw in a top class detective and a renowned crime boss, and stir!
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2024
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I love the setup, with all of the bickering and backbiting between the assembled relatives before the reading of the will. The idea of Eleanor controlling events from beyond the grave is an intriguing twist. Throw in a top class detective and a renowned crime boss, and stir!
Comment Written 10-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2024
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I tend to add many twists and turns to my stories. I thought the enjoyment of a ghost getting even with her dysfunctional family and maybe setting them straight would be a joy to write. And of course, we need a little mystery and crime.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a really great beginning for a book. A not very nice family, the reading of a will, the lawyer bringing along a detective, and a very nice person who was the dead woman's friend. Oh, and a ghost with a plan. It has all the elements of a great mystery.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2024
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This is a really great beginning for a book. A not very nice family, the reading of a will, the lawyer bringing along a detective, and a very nice person who was the dead woman's friend. Oh, and a ghost with a plan. It has all the elements of a great mystery.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2024
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Thanks so much Carol and thee is more surprises to come. Thank you so much for reading. I've had all kinds of trouble with the formatting and nothing seems to be fixing it. Have you gotten posts that say the site is under maintenance and try later?
Thanks, Carol
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No haven't had any warnings about a broken site. I may have entered my last dribble in the wrong contest, so I am no authority on anything.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
You do have some interesting stories. How in the world do you keep them separate? I just won third place for my "Contentment" poetry that no one read.
Weird stuff, right? :-) Karen
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2024
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You do have some interesting stories. How in the world do you keep them separate? I just won third place for my "Contentment" poetry that no one read.
Weird stuff, right? :-) Karen
Comment Written 09-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2024
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I checked out your poem. For some reason I never saw it. I've heard that people besides me are having trouble with posting. Take care.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Ulla
Aw, I can see that I missed this chapter somehow,. But I'm glad I have now read it. It's all coming together now , at least as far as it goes. I admire you for writing all this in such a short time. Ulla xcx
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2024
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Aw, I can see that I missed this chapter somehow,. But I'm glad I have now read it. It's all coming together now , at least as far as it goes. I admire you for writing all this in such a short time. Ulla xcx
Comment Written 09-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2024
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I am so glad yuo caught the first chapter because it has a lot of detailed information within it that will become even more evident as the story goes on. Thank you so much, Ulla.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Esther Brown
I love it already. The ghostly Eleanor is going to be a fun character. I am ready for a good ride. Don't like Megan or Trevor, do like Jenna...and probably will like the handsome detective sort of guy. Great start. Esther
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2024
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I love it already. The ghostly Eleanor is going to be a fun character. I am ready for a good ride. Don't like Megan or Trevor, do like Jenna...and probably will like the handsome detective sort of guy. Great start. Esther
Comment Written 09-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2024
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Wow...glad to see you back my friend. You know how to make me smile. I am thrilled that you are loving the story. It's going to be quite the ride.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from royowen
You're about to embark on another saga with a friendly ghost of a dead friend, so this should be interesting, after your experiment with the last story, you've gaonded some experience, so this should be interesting with different characters, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2024
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You're about to embark on another saga with a friendly ghost of a dead friend, so this should be interesting, after your experiment with the last story, you've gaonded some experience, so this should be interesting with different characters, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 09-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2024
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I think Eleanor will be a bit like Benny.. his humor and mischievous ways. She might have liked to have been the hitman, but that won't be her style. Thanks for continuing to read.
Smiles, Carol
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Well done